Friends, I've thought I had been through some really awful shit in my life. I mean, I was held captive and by that I mean a huge man had me by the hand and wouldn't let me go as a matter of fact he pulled my shoulder out of the socket and caused permanent damage to my wrist, Sounds tragic. I know but wait there's more.
My brain said it over and over, " but it's so beautiful."
I was in a twilight sleep, you know, half awake but not unaware. I was aware that my phone was ringing around 9am and there was only one person who ever called me before 10. It was my best friend Linda. She sounded so upset that I woke up the rest of the way so I could understand what she was trying to tell me. " Can't you see your TV?, a plane flew into one of the World Trade Center Towers." My TV was all snow because the TV station transmitters were all knocked out. I told Lin to hang on and that'd I'd be there in a minute but by the time I got to her house a second plane had crashed into the other Tower. What had seemed like an unbelievable accident had turned into a day the world would never forget.
Depression, Listen up! I have something to say, YOU SUCK!! YOU SUCK!!! YOU SUCK!!!! I'm sure you've heard this before from millions of people but now you are going to hear it from me!. You have been messing up my life since I was 8 years old and I hate you for that. I hate you for all the times you left me crying on the floor wishing I were dead. That happened a lot over the years. I'm curious. Does that make you proud? I let you control me year after year. I didn't go out a lot because you prefer I stay home, alone, crying in my closet over what a pathetic creature I was. I even helped you sometimes by making lists about all the ways I was worthless. I believed you when you said, " No one would care if you didn't show up." Depression you were wrong, but I'm sure you knew that and you were laughing at me for believing you. I hurt my family by not showing up to parties that were important to them. I hurt my friends by canceling our plans at the last minute because I ruined their evenings. No, you preferred to have me stay in and self-medicate. I used over the counter sleep medication, pills that were prescribed for migraines, and sometimes I would get my Mom to give me Valium. I just wanted to sleep to get away from you. There is no depression in sleep. Sleep was my best friend. It was my only way to really cope with the sadness and pain. I started drinking Nyquil like it was soda just to be able to sleep continuously. I started that at age 12. My Mother also suffered from depression and she took medication as well. The meds she took caused drowsiness. She also escaped in sleep. When I was 15 I started stealing her medication in order to get back to my friend sleep.
My sister, Liz, has this thing she says to me, " You're such a Teresa." It's just a running joke between us that's about something I've done or said that she thinks is funny like when I decided I'm not interested in finding out what my real hair color is but for some reason lately I've been thinking about what , " A Teresa" is.
There aren't a ton of things that give me peace in this world. The ocean, yes indeed, the ocean. I used to go down the shore when I lived in New Jersey, not during tourist season but in the fall or winter. I would bring my journal and just write to the music of the waves. I let my long, thick hair loose for the wind to take. The feeling of having my hair blowing this way and that was like magic. I couldn't control how it blew. I didn't care about the tangled mess that would come, I just let the wind weave in and out, back and forth while I wrote my deepest secrets to myself. This was wind making love to me in that special way that only it could. I sure do miss that.
While working as an EMT my partner and I were sent to a car rental place across from Newark Airport. This was the farthest part of our coverage area. When we got there we found a man who was 6'4" and a good 230 lbs. He was dangerously close to the highway at rush hour. We knew that there was no way were going to be able to handle this guy by ourselves so we tried to call for backup. The air traffic was really heavy, we didn't have repeaters on our radios so we kept getting stepped on when we tried to get help. We knew we had to get him away from the highway so we approached him slowly. I said, " Excuse me Sir you need to come away from there. You could get badly hurt and we might cause a car accident." Well, he didn't seem to like that idea so he started chasing me around the parking area. I managed to get around him a couple of times but honestly. I'm only 4'11' so one of his strides was at least six of mine. He cornered me against a wall, the parking lot was kind of shaped like a U." I was trying to duck under him but then he threw a punch at my head. I put my hand up to shield my face. My fingers were splayed open. He took the opportunity to grab my hand interlocking my his fingers into mine. He then yanked me up off the ground and immediately separating my right shoulder. He then extended his arm up as high as he could which left me dangling on my tip toes sort of twisting back and forth. It hurt like living hell but I didn't make a sound. I was afraid to scream out because I didn't know what he would do. He didn't speak to me, not once. It took a while for help to arrive so I stroked his stomach with my free hand telling him help was coming. My partner was great. He kept talking to me to keep me calm. We talked about the jackass who was taping this entire event instead of calling 911. We talked to his co-workers and asked them to call 911. I think they were all just to scared to move. They did however give us some further information which might have been useful before this started. They told us that his name was Windell, he worked there, but when he went on a break he went into the bathroom and came out with white powder on his face under his nose. We found out a couple of days later that he had snorted cocaine and Haldol , two drugs that can cause hallucinations, violence and other things. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream but I just couldn't. My partner, Bob , was awesome. He didn't want to leave me to get to our ambulance and kept trying and trying to get help on the air. When he finally did his focus was 100% on me. He even made me laugh a bit. He listened to me when I told him what I wanted done at my funeral. I told him that no one should bring red roses because my Mom hated them because Dad had given them to her during a tough time in their relationship. I also asked him to have someone play the song , " Lady" STYX version for her and the song " Wild Horses, for my sister Liz. I also asked that the song " The Flame" be played for my Dad even though he wouldn't be there. He had died in 1991 but I still wanted him to be at my funeral and this was the song he said reminded him of me. Bob just listened. He didn't try to tell me that I was going to be alright because we both knew that might not be the case. We both knew that at any moment he could snap my neck. I just kept stroking his stomach. That powder blue T-shirt will never leave my mind.