An Obituary For My Dog, Who Was a Pretty Good Boy

His Royal Highness Sir Nurmal “Buddy” Conaway died on January 5, 2022, after a brief but debilitating illness. He was either 11 or 12 in People Years — no one has ever been completely sure. Nurmal passed away peacefully in the excellent care of the veterinarian whom he tried to bite on multiple occasions. Nurmal also hated the term “Rainbow Bridge” and instead preferred that we say he is now running a successful bed and breakfast in Doggie Hell with Satan, as an homage to Season 3 Episode 24 of “The Office,” which was his second-favorite episode of the series.

Nurmal was born at the Jersey Shore sometime between 2009 and 2010. It is unclear whether he ever made an appearance on the reality show of the same name, but judging from the smug sense of entitlement he demonstrated in later years suggests that he may have. He grew up with a twin brother and several Human People, and although not much else is known about his early life, it is assumed that he enjoyed a beach-bum puppyhood full of naps and sunshine.

Through a series of events too complex to mention here, Nurmal found his forever home in the mountains. Though the mountain air suited him just fine, Nurmal found great joy in complaining about the falling leaves, falling snow, falling rain, or generally anything that fell outside in his presence.

For a tiny little guy, Nurmal had a larger-than-life personality. He delighted in negativity, going so far as to learn to speak the Human English word “no", and used it often, particularly at mealtimes. He whiled away his doggie days by barking at the cats and hiding old hot dogs under the Human Family’s blankets, and he hated most things that required grooming. No one is completely sure why Nurmal was grumpy and ornery 90% of the time, but he was his happiest when he was disgruntled about something, so his Human Family didn’t discourage him.

Nurmal disliked most people as well, but he felt a particular fondness for his Human Child, who he protected with the tender ferocity of a mother lion guarding her cubs. He rose to popularity when he became the subject of the award-winning essay “A Memo to My Dog, Who is Kind of a Slacker.”He enjoyed most of the gifts showered upon him with the Human Lady’s prize money, but he would have preferred to skip the stupid red sweater she bought for him. Fame, however, came at a cost. In November of 2021, Nurmal had a public altercation with Phyllis Killer, his Cat Sister, who smacked him in the face and caused an eye injury. After the incident, Phyllis Killer explained that "that angry ball of fluff needed to be knocked down a few pegs." Nurmal did not comment on the incident, but he was delighted by the Cone of Shame forced upon him as the Cone quickly became a scapegoat for Nurmal's penchant for dumping his water bowl all over the kitchen floor.

Nurmal's greatest ambition was to become a member of a Black Ops mission for the CIA, as he believed himself to possess ninja-like stalking skills. This plan was thwarted in 2018 when Nurmal, determined to eat the last pancake on Human Child's breakfast plate, climbed onto the dining room table as soon as the Human Family had gone. He ate the pancake, lapped up the rest of the maple syrup and retreated back into the shadows. His cover was blown right away; Nurmal casually and nonchalantly entered the room with the Human Family, but he reeked of syrup and was so covered in it that he required a bath and a haircut.

In lieu of flowers, Nurmal would have simply wanted you to give your own good boys and girls some sliced ham in his honor. It was his most favorite snack of all time.

A version of this story originally appeared at: https://jalconaway.medium.com/an-obituary-for-my-dog-who-was-a-pretty-good-boy-9a702064f76b