A Memo to My Dog, Who is Kind of a Slacker

TO: Nurmal "Buddy" Conaway

RE: Your Job Performance

Dear Nurmal,

It has come to management's attention that your work performance has become sub-par since your last review, and I would like to address these issues in order to better maximize your full potential and ensure a successful future with the company.

The company understands that work conditions have changed recently. The human management (me) has been working at home full time as my new position requires, and therefore you are mandated to share your workspace. This will undoubtedly take time to adjust to, but I have made the following accommodations to better serve your needs:

• Abandoned my cozy home office on the second floor and moved my workspace to the main floor of the house because you bark continuously when you are alone in a room, but you also refuse to walk up 10 stairs.
• Prepared fresh meals for you twice a day, including freshly ground beef and organic chicken because you have inexplicably decided that you hate every single brand of dog food ever created, even the super expensive ones.
• Included you in all decision-making regarding the day's agenda and daytime TV viewing.

While the human management (me) does not mind providing said accommodations, it has become apparent that they are not an effective motivation tool. Please review the following opportunities for growth and prepare a list of proposed resolutions. We will circle back to this early next week.

1. Taking Excessive Breaks

During the week of August 27, 2021, you demanded to be let out to pee a total of 17,627 times. While management prides itself on having a very lenient "unlimited bathroom break" policy, it has been documented that only 35 of these were legitimate potty trips. 17,447 of your bathroom breaks were, in actuality, "sitting on the porch and barking at birds" breaks, and 145 were "sitting in the grass and staring at nothing" breaks (as evidenced in the photo above).

Moving forward, management would appreciate you limiting your bathroom breaks to only bodily functions because management has stuff to do too, you know.

2. Gossiping With and Distracting Coworkers

While management encourages healthy camaraderie among all team members, I strongly advise against engaging in idle gossip, time-wasting conversations, or any other behavior that would cause fellow employees to lose focus from their own responsibilities. The photo above depicts one of the many times this month you have been discovered knowingly and deliberately distracting Peep the Cat from his mouse-hunting duties. Because of this, Peep the Cat was unable to attend his 10:34 AM nap on top of the refrigerator, causing him to miss several important moth-chasing appointments. Moving forward, management expects you to refrain from any non-work-related conversation until all tasks are completed.

3. Physically Attempting to Hide from Management When You Have Made an Error

You have been with the company for roughly seven years, correct? Throughout all of your years of service, has there ever been a time where you have made a blatant and deliberate error and not received a verbal reprimand? Yet you continue to make these errors. For instance, management is aware that you fully understand the concept of "going potty outside" (see above comments for verification). However, you blatantly and deliberately pee (and occasionally poop) on the floor when you feel as though you are not the center of attention in a given situation, or when you believe management is not moving fast enough to tend to your needs, and you proceed to regret your actions and hide underneath large pillows. Please understand that management constantly attempts to grant you leniency when I am at fault. However, moving forward, I will continue to verbally reprimand you when you look me directly in the eye and lift your leg on the wall as an act of defiance when management is attending an online meeting.

4. Sleeping While on Duty

Management understands that things tend to get a bit boring and dull in between potty breaks, barking-at-birds breaks, and food breaks. However, management has given you ample opportunities to fill your downtime wisely. Management has provided chew toys, bouncing balls, a trampoline, and numerous other time-passing activities, and yet you continue to fall asleep at your post. This coupled with the fact that you have an extremely disruptive snore makes concentration difficult. Moving forward, please consider getting a full night's sleep before beginning your work instead of staying awake until 3:10 AM barking at the wind outside.

5. Coercing Management Into Thinking That You're the Cutest When Management Knows It's All a Ploy to Get Some Ham

Sir, I understand that you love ham. Management loves ham, too. This is why management purchased the ham from the Amish market last week. This ham belongs to management. Frankly, it's a bit insulting and rather demeaning to both of us when you stare at me like this. If you find yourself a bit peckish during the mid-day hours, I highly suggest eating one of the 6,437 frozen meatballs that you have collected and strategically placed around the office. I suspect that there are at least a few that management hasn't accidentally stepped on.

You continue to be a valued member of our team, so management hopes that you will reflect upon your poor performance and make the necessary strides towards improvement.

Thank you for your continued service.

Sincerely,

The Management