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2020: The Year of the Brown Paper Box!

by Call Me Les 2 months ago in satire · updated about a month ago

Diary of a cat named Scarlett O' Clawra.

Scartlett O'Clawra: A Diary

Dear Diary,

January 2020

New year, same hairballs. As always, every January I am tortured endlessly by the tantalizing talk of "budgies." Human reviews numbers on her phone and mutters of the birds continuously. Yet not once am I given one to prey upon! I take matters into my own paws. I drown a toy bird in my water dish to demonstrate my wishes, but my servant rejects my gift! If it weren't for the Temptations treats, I swear I'd replace her.

My gift goes unappreciated.

February 2020

Ugh, it's the middle of the month again, and I'm not sure which is worse: when she brings home a stranger or when she laments that she has no stranger at all. Why bother? Am I not enough? Hmph. I hate it when a stranger comes home because I am ruthlessly ejected from the bedroom. Worse still, I am not allowed to sleep on the servant's pillow! I despise strangers. Must think of back-up plan should the worst come to pass.

Update: luck was not on my side this year. She brought a stranger home! While I do enjoy sniffing the flowers he brings, I resolve to pee in the stranger's shoes anyway. I chew the leather to frame the dog. Success! Dog is reprimanded. Double success! The stranger does not return.

Flowers are nice, but they won't prevent my back-up plan.

March 2020

New! Something new!! Servant no longer leaves me alone all day with the drooling mutt. I get extra cuddles. If I walk by her glowing book she puts me on her lap. I do not understand her odour of fear. Food and massages have increased in frequency. Shopping has decreased, so I am given canned tuna several times instead of slops! Unfortunately, the servant is cleaning more often. It has become difficult to ensure all the items in my domain smell like me instead of the mutt.

Cuddles have increased. Human no longer leaves me alone during the day.

April 2020

It's happened! Oh, glorious day. It has finally happened! My silly human servant has finally realized the perfection that is a BOX. So cardboardy. So chewable. So hideable.

At first, I am suspicious of the brown paper package, but the servant promptly removes the wrappings and the contents and passes the box to me!! The boxes come every day after that—sometimes more than once a day! I am careful to claim them before the dog gets any ideas. There are so many boxes that I am spoiled for choice! Servant has become lazier than usual. She bakes bread continuously but fails. Boxes pile up. I am in a paradise!

At first I was suspicious of the brown paper.

Then I realized the box was the BEST box I'd ever seen!

May 2020

Human servant seems extra nervous. She never leaves the house anymore and guards the bathroom paper as though it were catnip. Brilliant idea: when the mutt annoys me by breathing, I gather some and place it by his paws while he sleeps. Sadly, human is wiser than she appears. My plan only works for a few days before she figures out my game. Damn my claws and their powerful shredding abilities!! Boxes continue to arrive. I chew at will!

June 2020

Oddly, human continues to remain at home. Temperatures have increased. I hear talk of "bubbles," but as it was with the "budgies," no bubbles are presented to me. Must, must, must interview new servant. It's so hard to find good help! Shopping has resumed—to a degree. Tuna offerings have regrettably decreased, but chicken breast has returned to the tid-bit menu. More and more and more boxes!

Apparently these are called FabFitFun boxes. I call them ChewRubPlay boxes.

July 2020

Servant spends hours on the phone lamenting "waves" yet does not take the mutt to the beach. I do not understand her dilemma. The mutt has remained dry and relatively stink-free from lack of beach excursions. Undoubtedly, both are a plus. The hot weather causes me to lose more fur than usual. I decorate my palace with my excess fur as best I can to cheer her up. Unfortunately, her reaction is to use the evil-demonic-clown she calls a "vacuum" more frequently! Sigh...my art is so unappreciated in its time. At least the sunbathing is good at this time of year.

Sunbathing is good in July.

August 2020

My extra shedding has brought a revelation! Servant continues to work from home but has become disinterested in cleaning. Instead, she has purchased a device called a "roomba." I call it my flying saucer. I perch upon the robot while it shuffles me from room to room like a God. Finally, I am being given the respect I deserve! Dog does not like "roomba" and runs away in fear. Hehehe. Perhaps I shall retain this servant after all.

Sadly the above clip is not me. Why is it she photographs me drooling in my sleep but not my moments of majesty??

September 2020

Aka "cake and candles month." My favourite. But, my dear fellow felines I warn you: respect the flames. Last year, I learned the hard way not to sniff the heat. The fluffy candy-butter atop the round, soft bread called to me. But it was not worth it. Sniffing candles causes curly whiskers! Naturally, the mutt laughed at me. But I got my revenge. I refused to allow him to pass through doors without a sneak attack for weeks. YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

I had to use a clip from another cat. Human servant refused to capture my triumphant revenge on film.

October 2020

This year, human servant does not harvest fruit with friends on the weekends. Also, something strange happens at the end of the month. Instead of dressing in unusual clothes that expose her front pillows and legs, she spends the night in bed with me! I do the gracious thing and lick the salty wetness from her face. She seems pleased. I seize the opportunity for extra belly rubs. Servant does have her good moments. Magnanimously, I allow the dog to join us on the bed. The glowing box plays images of monsters and screaming. I stay up too late and indulge in a bit too much catnip. I have no idea how I ended up under the rug. Ugh...hangover.

Too much catnip. How did I end up under the rug? Ugh. I don't want to know. I'll blame the dog.

November 2020

Sadly, human does not dress up in a sparkly outfit and return with a bag of turkey. The day after no-turkey-tidbits day, human is a zealous devotee of the glowing book. Soon afterwards, numerous boxes arrive! Regrettably, for every box that comes this time, one gets sent out! GRRRR. To keep the treats flowing, I allow her to remove me from atop them. I can only hope that the other cats out there appreciate my sacrifice and give them good homes. I protest the unfair box-swapping by leaving hairballs in her shoes. Plan backfires! Shoes are rarely used anymore. I call a truce when flowers are delivered, and she captures my opulence on my throne. I do look beautiful next to them.

I am resplendent on my throne next to the flowers.

December 2020

UGH...I DESPISE THIS MONTH. I bemoan the future intrusions into my kingdom. But wait! Something new! Human does not invite strangers. Instead, servant has lost her mind. She spends hours talking to the glowing book. Unfortunately, she still raises the Forbidden Tree. I am taunted endlessly by the hanging, sparkly breakables. The heated blanket makes life more tolerable.

Heated blankets are the only upside to winter.

There is but one highlight of December. For one day and one day only human servant acts like a proper cat and shreds piles upon piles of shiny, coloured paper. Better still, she permits me to join in! But, alas, my frivolities are short-lived: human attempts to place a sticky bow on my head and take pictures. I consider protesting until I notice she has filled a sock with Temptations treats, so I begrudgingly comply. Briefly.

Ah! Coloured paper day. We shred together as cats. Peace and goodwill to all!

After coloured-paper-day, I hunker down and sulk in anticipation of Noise- Night. But wait! What's this? Noise-Night has been cancelled?? I am not forced into hiding under the bed to escape the sheer madness of the Midnight-Hour! I am astounded that the year has ended on a high note! I enjoy some much-needed R&R.

It's been a long year. Time for some R&R.

Summary: 2020 will forever go down in kitty-cat history as . . .

THE YEAR OF BROWN PAPER BOXES!

Employee review: For the most part servant has improved her behaviour. Perhaps I shall continue to reside with her after all. I do enjoy the cuddles and treats. And she has mad skills when it comes to popping wet food lids!

Meet the author: Lesley Leatherdale

Employee has passed her review. I shall stay.

For more writing celebrating the power and perseverance of women, be sure to click on my profile and connect on Instagram, or Facebook.

Cheers, folks!

And remember, it's always "better to be happy than dignified."—Jane Eyre (Charlotte Brontë).

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satire

Call Me Les

Keepin' it real since 1987 with 3 cats, a tiny apartment and too many words in my head. Admin at the Vocal Social Society. Find me here.

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