Why we cling onto hate so forcefully

Why we cling onto hate so forcefully

We cling onto hate so forcefully because we know that the second hate is gone we will be forced to deal with the pain. The pain and the sadness we have spent our entire lives running from. Remember the first time your heart broke as a child? It wasn’t from a crush or losing a game, it was deeper. It was pain from a parent or someone close to you whom you trusted. The betrayal and the confusion that explored every crevice of your body when you realized that in life there is pain, great pain. The sadness you felt when you confessed your love to someone for the first time and they said it back but then they turned around and ripped your heart out from your chest and burned it with a cigarette. How you had to put on a show in order to not let anyone around you know how devastated you actually were. The pain of when you applied to your dream school, the one you’ve wanted to attend since you were a child and didn’t get in. The pain you smother yourself in as an adult because the world is so ugly and there’s constant disaster after disaster. You come up to the surface just to get dunked right under again. You see there’s something on the horizon but don’t know what it is because you can’t get yourself to fully emerge from the waves because you my friend, don’t know how to swim.

We cling onto hate so forcefully because we think putting on a shield will protect us from life. So we walk around with chips on our shoulders because no one is to dare come close to us and hurt us again. No one is to dare take advantage of us or mistake our kindness for weakness. No man dares to ever put his hands on us again or no job tells us we are not good enough.

We cling onto hate so forcefully because we’re scared to feel the underlying emotion; sadness. We’re terrified to deal with the pain and the gloom. We are scared because we don’t want to lose our identities in the ocean of sadness that comes in and separates us from the rest of the world. The fog that paralyzes us and the paralysis that makes us unable to even make a cup of coffee in the morning.

We’re so scared to deal with this emotion because we live in a society that tells us we need to post our highlights on the internet and if our highlights don’t look like those around us we must be doing something wrong. And if we feel that blanket of sadness we won’t be able to keep up. If we don’t keep up how are we supposed to show our worth or attract a mate, what will our families and friends think, how are we going to get that big house and that nice car and that big bank account in order to impress people we actually don’t give a single damn about? How are we supposed to learn how to swim when we’ve never even seen a pool?

We cling onto hate so forcefully because we don’t know how to live life without it. The truth is, a lot of us want happiness more than anything, but we’re so scared of losing it we don’t ever want to achieve it in the first place. So we take every little negative anyone has ever said to us or any failure that we’ve ever received and harvest it into the root of our souls and let it mold our perception of the world. We spend day in and day out on a low vibration just attracting more negative energy and playing the victim because “nothing good ever happens to me.”

The truth about the spiritual journey is that it is not linear. It is up, way up. And down, so down. You come face to face with the shadows of your past and have to make the hardest amends of your life; with yourself. You have to make peace with that fact that people have wronged you and you have wronged others as well. You have to acknowledge that you too have been toxic and that the patterns you have picked up along the way in order to protect yourself must change because they are not serving anyone. You have to know that if you don’t change nothing in your life will get better. You also have to know that change takes work, constant work. You’re not always going to be perfect but you can’t give up especially in those moments when you’re driving down the road at 11pm on a week night and you want nothing more than to crash your car into the medium, it’s in those moments when you have to pull yourself back up and acknowledge that this is all part of the spiritual experience.

Our trauma is not our fault but our healing is our responsibility. This life is not meant to be spent in the shadows cowering at every possible thing that could go wrong. This is why we should celebrate our victories and let others know how much they mean to us. To do kind things for others and ourselves. To make an effort to show up for life and take it by the balls.

We cling onto hate so forcefully because we don’t know what inner peace looks like, but if we want to see a change in society, change in the world, we must first heal ourselves.

G.C