Why Not Both?

There is an “old school” way of thinking or dealing with hardship. To stuff it all down inside and just get over it. Just be hard and unfeeling, let nothing affect you. That’s what my example of manliness was.

Just. Get. Tougher.

There is a “new school” way of thinking or dealing with hardship. It’s much more emotive, requires emotional intelligence, it requires honesty and openness. It is in direct contrast to the “old school” way.

There is a struggle over which one of these work best. I’m going to ask this simple question.

Why not both?

See, I’ve never been a fan of extremism. Extremism leads to bad outcomes pretty much every time. It’s not a healthy way to live. On one hand you never deal with trauma, you just bottle it up until it explodes and you end up hurting someone you love, or yourself, who you also may not love because of your high standards. On the other hand, people wish you would just shut up. They don't need to hear your entire life story of trauma. Just because it’s a positive to take the power away from the trauma by discussing it openly, doesn’t mean that you should ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS do it.

There are pros and cons, I’m sure the list could be impressive on both ends, but I’ll name a few.

For the “old school” people, there is a certain strength to being seemingly unaffected by the struggles of life. To saddle up, to get it on, despite the immense amount of physical or psychological trauma…that takes an incredible amount of strength and discipline. And being strong is never a bad thing, nor is the kind of discipline it takes to overcome that kind of pain.

On the other hand, if we keep repeating that process, at some point we’ll become bitter, unfeeling individuals, because that strength and discipline, when abused, turns towards us being cold to others, and often ourselves. If you don’t feel anything, why live? Why even try?

For the “new school” people, there is a certain strength to owning your trauma or acknowledging the trauma you caused others. It takes a strong person to own up to their flaws or to speak about that which hurt them. But…we can’t just own our trauma. Soon this pro can turn to a con through inaction. The softness of this mode asks you to love yourself and to not put yourself through trauma again, being strong enough to set boundaries. But…if you only set your boundaries, you can never move past them.

So we have two ways of approaching problems or trauma, let’s just say life. One is as the strong silent type that has the potential to become unfeeling and calloused to the world around them. The other is as the strong emotive type that has the potential to make you soft and risk averse.

While many people waiver between the two, I see a third way and I hope that I can express that clearly in the next few sentences as I bring this to a close.

Timing. Timing is everything. Or more accurately, as the situation dictates. There are times, and I wish I could tell you when they are exactly, but if you think about it, I’m sure you’ll figure it out…there are times when you need to saddle up and grit your teeth and bear it.

Like a Marine infantryman 6 miles into a 12 mile hike and then someone eats Charms, and now the temperature drops 30 degrees and the sunny day turns into a torrential downpour. Not much you can do there and nobody wants to hear how traumatizing it is at the moment. That’s the time to be tough and also the time to tell a PFC that nobody in the entire Marine Corps eats charms!

But, if you’re constantly silenced at work, speaking up about that, being open and honest, hey, that…that right there is the time to be open. Hold people accountable for the trauma they are causing, or the stress, whatever you want to call it. If you need the job, and you’re worried speaking up will get you fired, maybe you grin and bear it until you have another one lined up.

"Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.” -Bruce Lee