Where I thought I’d be by 23

When I was in high school, gosh it seemed like it would never end. The day in and day out, get up, go to school, just to sit there in class, just waiting for it to be over.

I wasnt particularly interested in any certain thing. I wasn’t part of any sport, I wasn’t in debate class or any art class. I was basically just..there. I loved spending time with my friends, I mean who doesn’t? But when I look back it seems that’s all I really wanted to do. But..my friends were the ones who seemed like they always had something going on. And when my best friend Jess got her new boyfriend things just got worse. I hated him. Little did I know we would later end up being best friends also but at the time, I hated him. He was taking away my best friend Jess. Jess and I barley ever hung out together anymore. The days of our little sleep over parties stopped. We were..growing up.

So I figured, maybe I should try dating. So I did. (Smiling to myself) I want to laugh at myself now. I was desperate to have a “high school sweet heart” like Jess. So...I dated the one guy in our group who you could say was..annoying? Dumb? Well at least that’s how I saw him. We were off and on for two years. All he wanted was the coochy. I never gave it to him. Never felt right.

So I continued dreaming of what I would be, where I would be at 23. Not sure why I ever picked that age but it just seemed like the age where you were supposed to have it all figured out. I dreamt that I’d have my own car, my own job making great money, my own place where NO ONE could tell me what to do. I’d be free. Finally. I was sure that I’d have all that and more. Why not? Everyone else seemed to have it? Why couldn’t I? Little did I know just how blissfuly ignorant I really was. Unaware of what (real life) had in store for me.

Fast forward 5 years and now I’m living in California. (Reluctantly). My mom decided it was time to move to Cali after I graduated high school. Just before leaving Montana, my best friend Jess and I had gotten matching tattoos to show we would always be best friends. By that time Jess’s horomones had receded a bit and I got my best bud back. So leaving for Cali I had big hopes and dreams. I told myself that it was only gonna be temporary ( being in Cali) that I’d get in, make a ton of cash and get the hell outta dodge. I never liked California. To noisey, to many people. (A lot of trash everywhere unfortunately) when I finally got here. I saw how different things were here. The people didn’t smile. I would walk past people in the street and smile at them. It was just what they did where I grew up. People would turn away from me. Or stare, expressionless. People didn’t smile here like they did in Montana. That was the second thing I noticed (the first being the trash). It was discouraging. Being 19 coming from another state. No friends, nobody I could really talk to.

Two months in I had no idea what I was gonna do, I had just finished a CNA training and I spent the next 7-8 months looking for a job. Cold calling people asking if they needed any help. Back then I didn’t have any cell phone so I sat on my grandmas house phone dialing number after number after number and getting no after no after no after no. I was getting so frustrated and depressed that I couldn’t find any work. None at all. I made it up in my mind that I would find one more number in the phone book and call it and if they said no I would just give up. Leave the house. Run away I don’t know!

I picked up the phone and dialed the number. Louise’s Dog Grooming was the name of the business. I called them “ Hello my name is Candice, I was wondering if maybe you were looking for help or if there were any open positions?” I always used my most polite voice I could. I had always listened to my mother talk on the phone and she always sounded so professional, so grown up. So tried it. It was Louise on the other end. “Yeah, come in and we’ll see how you work, can you be here Wednesday at 10 am?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! Someone was giving me a chance! I had no experience with grooming dogs whatsoever. But she taught me everything. It was a dirty job but I loved it. I did my absolute best every day. I had to be there Monday thru Friday. At 7 am, which because it was all the way in Orange County and I lived in little Pico Rivera that I had an hour and a half bus ride every morning. I would wake up at 4 am. Leave the house at 5am and walk the dark streets to get to the bus stop at 5:30am. And be there by 7 am. All this and I was only earning 8 bucks and hour! But I could not be happier.

Then a month later the nursing home I did my clinical hours at offered my sister a job for a CNA position, she refused because the hours were 11pm-7am. So they gave it to me. When I got my first paycheck oh boy you couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.

I never really had trouble working hard. I was proud to do the jobs that other people might find unsavory. As long as I was busy, and earning you’d find me smiling. I worked as a nurses aid for a little less than 4 years. My boyfriend at the time was less than supportive of me furthering my education because it didn’t fit into his picture of life. (Playing video games and eating junk food all day) oh and living with his alcoholic mother. Poor thing. But anyway, when I told him I was going to further my education at Los Angeles Job Corps. He (and I’m not exaggerating) literally got down on his knees and begged me not to go. Claiming he would be “all alone and no one to hug and kiss at night”. Him being my first “real” relationship I figured I’d stay. But after another year of his bull crap I just couldn’t take it anymore and made the decision to go to school. Mind you by this time I was ALREADY 24! 23 had came and gone my friend. And I was still struggling!

So many distractions and discouragement, disappointments. You seeing a pattern here? Stay away from the letter D lol

Anyway, I finally left his ass and made my way through school and wouldn’t you know it, the year I decided to go they took out the nursing program I wanted so badly to attend. So I took pharmacy technician. Finished with flying colors. And then had some free time before I exited the program. I had made some friends along the way and we started a habit of going out and partying in the weekends. I would say that those 4 months were the best I ever had. No responsibilities, no one to answer to except myself. We would drink and dance and smoke and for the first time in my life, I felt free. I felt like a woman. Well all good things come to an end. The program was ending and just before I was about to exit I met a guy named Carlos. The true and honest love of my life. The running joke around job corps was “don’t come in here looking for no job corps boyfriend or girlfriend” I always told myself “pssh yeah right, I’m here to LEARN BITCHES” haha ha haaaaa.... I got me a job corps boyfriend. And eventually we ended up making a job corps baby too. So by the time I’m 26 I was prego to the max with our job corps baby and still, all the while, living at my grandmas house. Ugh 😑.

I recently turned 29. Don’t have my own car. Don’t have my own job or my own place. And I thought I’d have all that by 23?!?! Hahaha lets all laugh together.

It’s so frustrating at times. I feel trapped. I now have a two year old whose always on my toes and now I’m taking online classes for pharmacy technician again! The class I didn’t even want to do!

So what’s the big lesson in all of this???? CHOOSE YOUR PATH BEFORE LIFE CHIOSES FOR YOU! because little by little life has a funny way of keeping you distracted, life can toss you around and snap it’s fingers and say “hey! Look over here!” But don’t pay attention.

I used to look back on the old days and weep because things seemed so much better back then. But... I was also so much more ignorant back then also.

Everyday you grow , you start to see that the most important things in life are not cars or jobs or your own places. (Though I suggest doing all that before you have a kid!) It’s the people around you who make life worth living. My son Bruce is almost going to be 3. He has taught me more about myself than anyone in my entire life. And even though I am no where near where I want to be..I wouldn’t change things at all. Life may be messy and loud and annoying at time. (Ok most times) but in the end it’s all gonna be worth it. You have the freedom to choose your path all along.

It was Osho who said “ Life in itself has no meaning. Life is an opportunity to create meaning. Meaning has not to be discovered: it has to be created. You will find meaning only if you create it”.

So don’t be like me, take your time while you’re young and really enjoy what you have. And take it easy on your parents, because one day you might be in their shoes!