When fear doesn't win

My back rests comfortably against the back of the plush chair. I'm sitting cross-legged with my laptop in my lap.

Everything is still. The only noises are that of the heater and my fingers typing on the keyboard. The sound of typing is soothing to me. I use a program that keeps track of the number of words I type each day. The sound makes me feel productive.

I can feel myself relaxing, the tensions of the day beginning to dissolve. I take a deep breath and lean my head on the back of the chair. Calm. Peace.

Peace in the midst of the chaotic storms of this world.

The afternoon sun streams in through the window. The golden maple leaves of the trees outside pop against the wet, dark trunks.

I give thanks for this moment, as fleeting as it may be.

My mind harkens back to the start of the pandemic. March of 2020. It's safe to say I'm still emotionally processing everything that happened that year. A lot happened. Working as a nurse during that time was draining.

But I think back to a moment where my mom said something profound. Again. She does that a lot.

I was still working on night shift at the time. I had worked hard to flip my sleep schedule; I stayed up all night and slept during the day. Not exactly healthy, and a recipe for low vitamin D levels, but at least it was consistent.

I was sitting on the couch, working on drawing and coloring what I wanted the cover of my novel to look like. Yeah, that novel I'm still hoping to publish one day. We all have to have dreams.

I sat there, wrapped up in a snug blanket, pressing down hard with my prismacolor colored pencils on a sheet of thick watercolor paper. I like vibrant colors, and this brand was the best option for creating vibrant-colored artwork.

And in this moment, I was engrossed in bringing to life the picture I saw in my head of this fantasy world that I had created. My antagonist stood there, wearing his top hat: brave and smart but still trying to find his place in the world, perhaps feeling alone, but he was never truly alone.

For a moment, I wasn't thinking about all the fear that had trapped the world in its suffocating clutches. It felt like the world was being smothered in fear, and it had succumbed without putting up a fight.

My mom was heading upstairs on her way to bed. She asked how I was doing, and I told her I was okay. Sure, there was plenty to be worried about. I would have to go back into work the following night, but tonight was my night off.

My mom recognized all of this and acknowledged the current moment of calm, the current situation, and the current peace.

"No one can take this moment away from you," she said.

And she was right. She's my mom; she's right most of the time.

But it's a lesson that's easy to forget. When we have a moment where we don't give into fear, no one can take away that moment from us.

We see ourselves in a losing fight against fear. I feel myself giving ground to fear and anxiety more often than I would care to admit. It's a constant fight to not give into fear.

I realize that I need to reframe how I think about the fight. Because it's easy to focus on every time that fear has won. Fear wins often enough.

I become transfixed and discouraged by all the times I've lost, and all I start to see is the world covered in a shroud of fear.

But what about the times when I won? What about the times when I didn't let fear win? Because there are times when I have said 'no' to fear. Each moment that I don't let fear win is a victory.

Each time I choose thankfulness and love, I am saying 'no' to fear. Each time I focus on the good and on doing good is a time when fear lost.

Each laugh, each smile, each kind action, each moment of fun is a victory. Coloring my book cover. Just a moment. A moment that cannot be taken away from me.

You don't have to let fear win. You don't have to be consumed by the battles you lost to fear. Win a moment. Because no one can take that moment from you.

Perfect love drives out fear.

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