Watching Yourself at Rock Bottom

(Source: meriç tuna on Unsplash)

Update: I wrote this article a while back when I felt quite low. My heart was heavy, and I was scared of what tomorrow might bring. But, thankfully, I have made progress; the sun is shining in my world again.

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I wake up every day with anxiety.

I see the same habits that keep me in this mess.

I end up in the same spot that I always do.

This is the feeling I have been left with every morning since Christmas of last year. Although it was hard to fight the symptoms and to continue on, but it was so difficult.

I am entirely aware of my actions and behavior and how it influences my life. I can see my anxiety symptoms, obsessions, and own pattern of behavior, but I am helpless to stop it.

No matter what I do, I feel like I can't stop it. I can't understand why this is so hard. Watching yourself show symptoms of a mental health disorder and not being able to stop yourself is a challenge.

Awareness of your pain

Every day I am reminded of my symptoms. If it were simple enough, I would be able to stop. But I don't have that control. Being self-aware can be a blessing, but sometimes you're left staring at your own mistakes and issues.

I wish I could change that behavior all at once, but that's not how that works. The habits and symptoms that have slowly formed throughout my disorder built up from more minor instances that took over my life.

Someone does not just wake up one day, with full-blown symptoms and dread. There are minor changes within us that we are unable to see. It takes a slow progression. All things take time, which can be hard to see.

From watching your symptoms, one would think you'd be able to stop them. Seeing your own paranoia and sadness affect your life is challenging. Not knowing how to handle your symptoms effectively can leave you feeling hopeless.

Inability to stop your symptoms

Seeing your symptoms does not mean that you can stop them. Yes, I can recognize that I am sad or anxious, but I cannot do anything to stop them.

Sometimes my anxiety keeps me up all night which prevents me from getting the rest I need. This makes me feel so tired and crabby that my anxiety and depression can flare-up. It's a difficult task to manage.

It's not uncommon for someone who lives with a mental health disorder to be unable to stop their symptoms.

As you can't 'fix' a broken bone on your own, you cannot pretend like a mental health disorder doesn't exist. Ignoring the issue makes it worse.

This is what is most soul-crushing to me. I cannot stop myself from having these symptoms or letting my illness get the best of me.

Without stopping correctly, your symptoms can spiral into a steady decline.

Watching yourself decline

Sometimes we can find ourselves on a slippery slope. Once you start going downhill, it's tough to stop it. I can see myself getting worse, dropping weight, and overall not being healthy. But I am helpless to stop it.

Some people might see this as laziness, but it's the farthest from it. I want to get up and not be in this state with all my might. But your brain and body will not allow you to.

You feel trapped and alone. You're simply going to have to ride the wave.

When someone becomes aware of their symptoms with mental health, there can be an isolative factor that comes into play. With those unrelenting symptoms comes a slew of more. It can be hard to keep your head above water.

But as with anything in life, the pain will stop. One day, you will not wake up with that same dreadful feeling. The hollow shell that once occupied your life will be full of life.

It will come back, I promise.

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Stay connected with this author: https://linktr.ee/JenniferMarch13

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As Originally Posted on Medium