Stop Settling

settling: accepting what "is" is and then trying to convince yourself to be okay with it

Call me an idealist but settling is not the best way to go about living.

When I start to settle for stuff in life, I am setting myself up for a massive and life-altering lesson in frustration, anxiety, regret, and maybe even despair. I'm talking about the essential things like where I live, what job I have, how I engage in relationships, what I wear, what I eat, how often I exercise, what I am willing to put on a credit card, and how I show up in the world. This stuff is huge, mainly because of the quantity of time it all requires of me to keep life in motion.

Settling vs. Choosing

I have to ask myself whether I am making, actively or passively, a choice that compromises A for the sake of B. But that’s the thing about settling and compromising and giving in and giving up. After a while, I never feel as if the outcome is something that I am directly and completely and totally responsible for. That’s what blame, guilt, and denial are for, right?

There are so danged many factors involved in any life event, it is easy to assign blame on attending circumstances – the events and issues that I label as unavoidable and unfortunate. Rarely does the outcome land squarely on me for not having made a conscious effort to shift from “settling” to “choosing.”

I read once that the root of the verb to decide means to cut off. Weird, right? And a little extreme sounding. I mean, I sometimes just don’t want to be held accountable to anything that is so . . . well, decisive. I don’t feel quite certain about a decision that I need to make . . . and I start to flip-flop. During this time of back-and-forth-and-I-just-don’t-know, I fool myself into thinking that this delay gives me the time I need to make the “right” choice.

This press-the-pause-button habit only serves to keep my wheels spinning themselves into a rut of frustration. Which all makes perfect sense: spinning my wheels does nothing but make a bigger mess to dig myself out of.

Most Choices Are Not Binary

And in the midst of my wheel spinning, I forget to remind myself that most choices are not binary . . . that they are not a simple matter of yes/no or stop/go or black/white or stay/leave. Most choices simply lead to other choices: allowing me to pivot, reset my GPS, and get back on course through other choices. The exponential factor here is humbling and encouraging.

So, I say: To heck with settling. The alternative – the risk of making a mistake – more than compensates for at least trying to kickstart life in what I hope will be a positive direction. And if I don’t like the direction in which my choices are leading? I can change course by degree. It doesn’t have to be radical.

Enter: Self-Sabotage and Settling

An example: I have been wrestling with the self-sabotage of a new habit that I want to build – one that I know would move me closer toward a big goal of mine. I realize that deciding anything that supports or hinders this new habit gives me three clear options:

1. Backsliding: lose ground, self-sabotage, self-criticize, regress, regret, blame, surrender

2. Staying neutral: hold steady, maintain status quo, chill, hold my breath and stay hidden under the blanket in the middle of the room

3. Doing the thing: identify, decide, follow through, focus, motivate, do the thing, feel the reward, do a little happy dance

Backsliding

For me, a habit of backsliding frequently leads to feelings of disappointment, frustration, and sometimes even depression. (Sounds a lot like settling.) I get caught up in some surreal state of chaos, knowing what should be done, could be done, or must be done to get back on track . . . yet, I choose not to. It’s always unclear to me as to why I would make a decision that only serves to push me farther away from my own dreams and goals. Weird, I know. Eventually, I get over myself and stop the madness. I pick myself up and hit reset and motor forward.

Staying Neutral

Staying neutral may or may not be such a bad thing. There are times when it is wise to pause, to breathe, and to retune. To look over Father Time’s shoulder back to where I have been, so I can better plan on next steps going forward. Staying neutral can hold me to the present moment, allowing me time to assess. And it can stop the self-blame cycle of backsliding.

Still, there is that dangerous element of choosing to linger and just be okay with it and accept the status quo, all of which serve to immobilize me. Neutrality can be an invitation to disengaging myself from my own real life. This removal from awareness is akin to sleepwalking through time. This is where it can be easy to confuse contentment with stagnation.

The Complaining Test

This is when it is a good time for me to administer The Complaining Test. If I find that I am feeling satisfied or happy in my neutrality, I can settle within my contentment. All is well, and I enjoy the moment of reflection and rest.

But if I hear myself chronically complaining or assigning blame or just being super negative and cynical, it’s safe to say that I am experiencing stagnation – something that rarely sits well with my Higher Self. This is when it’s time to reassess and try something new and different.

Doing the Thing

And then there is doing the thing. There have been times in my life when I have caught myself feeling more like a human doing than a human being. I get caught on the enormous hamster wheel of life. The faster I run, the faster the wheel goes. I get up, I do, I go to bed – when all I want is to just get off the wheel and rest for a spell and not worry about obligations, responsibilities, bills, unanswered messages and emails, housework, shopping. There comes a time when realignment with my intuition and inner peace is absolutely necessary.

Getting off the wheel shouldn’t be such a hard thing to do, but it can be. Some days are driven by the stress and tempo of the wheel itself – an unkind and unrelenting perpetual motion device that I am no longer powering myself but am having to keep up with instead. How the heck did this happen? I wonder.

It feels as if the only solution is to summon my courage and hurl myself from the wheel. This can feel akin to being in a high-speed car chase in an action movie. I know that the landing is going to hurt, so I choose what feels to be the lesser of the two evils and keep running, sweating, and doing.

This balancing act of doing and resting is real . . . call it filling the gap, taking a leap of faith, or feeding a growth mindset. I explore options and try things for the first time and understand that life involves a lot of experimentation. How am I going to know unless I try? Doing the thing usually leaves me feeling energized and thrilled and motivated – which I think is ultimately the point of this lively event called life.

Sorry, not sorry: You have to make a choice.

Ignoring the inevitability of choices is the ultimate choice that leads to a Lifetime Sentence of Settling. It’s like sticking my head under a pillow and not expecting to feel smothered. Eating chocolate cake every night before going to bed and wondering why I can’t lose any weight.

Ignoring or avoiding life only gets me right back into a major stuck spot. I can’t figure out how I landed here or how I am going to get myself out of it. Like a merry-go-round, settling has a way of always coming back around to remind me that I need to step up, pick a horse, and hop on. That’s the nice thing about merry-go-rounds, they are easy to step off. No stunt double need apply.

There is never any shame in having tried and failed. It’s all about deciding to try – cutting off all doubts, fears, and regrets – and jumping in with both feet and a steady heart. Choosing a life of living and doing and trying will surely banish any settling from your life. Doing requires energy. But the coolest thing? Doing creates more energy than it uses. Doing: the gift that keeps on giving.

David Richo said: “What we are not changing, we are choosing.” Think on that for just a moment. I can’t think of a better remedy for counteracting settling: Stop, drop, and choose. Just make a choice, silly goose.

And when you answer the hard questions with choices that have been blessed by your intuition? You are golden. Go for it. You’ve got this.