Reclaiming Your Dream

I've always loved reading.

Ever since I was a young girl growing up in the South African countryside, I've been drawn to the written word; to stories of faraway lands bathed in magic and mystery.

Since I wasn't allowed to watch TV on weeknights until I was at least thirteen, books were my obvious choice of entertainment.

The more I read, the more my curiosity was piqued by the idea of creating my own world; of penning down the lives of my own characters and presenting them to the world.

And so the dream was born: I wanted to become an author.

As a teenager, I didn't spend hours on end binging series or chatting to cute boys. On an average day, you'd find me in my room, typing away on my laptop, giving life to dystopian worlds, colourful magic, and horrifying beasts that lurk in the shadows.

My parents saw it as a hobby, but I saw it as my future.

When the time came for me to decide on a career, I went against everything my family of accountants expected of me, and decided to study creative writing. And I loved it. Despite the uncertainty around getting a job after graduation (especially in South Africa's underdeveloped publishing climate), I had three wonderful years to hone my craft and write pretty much what I wanted, whenever I wanted.

I wrote nine completed manuscripts in that time. Five never saw the light of day, and four went out to literary agents, the biggest step I've ever taken towards getting published.

Thousands of rejections later, I had a handful of prospects. I was on the brink of getting an agent...when I didn't.

And I was hurt.

And I turned to the first small publisher who offered me a contract; a decision which I still regret today.

Graduation came, and I was faced with the life-changing decision of packing up my entire life and moving abroad.

Barely twenty-one and with a head full of dreams, I got on a plane and left my life (my family) behind to pursue a life in the United Kingdom.

Adulthood quickly caught up to me after that.

I had a horrible first job that demanded eight-and-a-half hours of writing per day, leaving me too exhausted and uninspired in the evenings. My pay was horrendous, and I had to freelance over the weekends just to make ends meet.

Weeks passed in which I barely touched any of my personal projects. I avoided going on Instagram (any social media, really), dreading seeing my favourite authors continue to live their literary dreams.

Then I got a new job, and it opened up a whole new world for me: the world of marketing.

I found myself having to study up on foreign terms and concepts; found myself wrought in stress and uncertainty. Even though I had more time on my hands, the inspiration just wasn't there. And the saddest part is, most of the time, writing was the furthest thing from my mind.

I remember being on a call with my mum one day, when she struck me with the question, "Do you still write?"

It felt like a blade pierced my heart (rather dramatic, I know), and I immediately burst into tears.

The thing is, and you can ask my parents to verify, I literally talk about everything. Whenever they call me, I bring up every part of my life, even the most minuscule details.

So it wasn't my mother's question that made me cry, but the fact I hadn't spoken about my writing in so long, that she even had to ask.

I disappointed a child that day. A child who sacrificed too many hours of her day, when she could've been out with friends, doing normal teenage-y things.

She wanted to see her books on shelves across the world; wanted to leave people in awe of her imagination. She promised herself she wouldn't give up, and I did.

But not anymore.

The road ahead is still long and twisty, and I'm not exactly sure how long it'll take me to tread it, but I'm ready for the journey. Or at least I hope I am.

It's been a year since I moved to the UK; a full year since I closed the tab on my dream.

Writing this, I've only just started to reclaim it. Last night, I wrote an entire paragraph. Today, I might write a page. It's not much, I know, but it's still more than I did before.

And that's all it takes to get going.