Passionate vs Passion

When I read this challenge’s title, I skipped over it because I did not feel like it applied to me. I do not feel passionate about anything really anymore. It’s almost one of those, ‘if everyone’s special is anyone really special’ topics to me. We have so many passions that come and go so quickly. At times I have felt my passions have been spread too thin as I have enjoyed many things so deeply. People in their fifties are rarely as driven by what they loved in their twenties anymore, but does that make us fickle? Humans tend to be the butterflies of the cause and passion army. Each new day brings a new onslaught of colorful flowers to admire.

I do know that some amazing people dedicate their lives to a specific cause and never stop plugging away at it for their entire life. To those I applaud. Although let us be blunt and real here, most social media accounts that use hashtags and demand passion are just the trend of the day. Personally, I have done dozens of crafts. I LOVED them all and still occasionally reach back into my wheelhouse of craft skills and create things to fill dull moments. Though the all-consuming need to learn more detailed techniques for the crafts have faded. I had worked animal rescue, rehabilitation, and education for years. I still love animals and cannot pass a turtle on the road without stopping and help it to the other side but, I can no longer find the thrill of standing in front of a classroom full of kids with a six-foot boa constrictor. My lackluster may be seen by some as a dull existence but it is my reality as a mom of three. Life gets busy and we give up bits of ourselves to stay afloat.

So, if I do not think passion has longevity anymore then why am I writing this? Because maybe that is what I am passionate about. People needing to be flexible. Too often we are rigid and unyielding in our thinking. At thirty-five years old I have experienced a traumatic series of events that has made me reevaluate my life and how I fill my time. Due to tumors, and a genetic game of Russian Roulette I have found myself having had a total hysterectomy and a double mastectomy at the beginning of the year. I have had a lot of down time to contemplate the meaning of life.

I had always been the person friends could call on when they needed something, and I had never put much thought into that. It was just what I did. If they needed to talk, I was available any hour, if they had to move house I was there to help. So, when I reached out and informed my entire contact list that I was having a party to see everyone and have one last hurrah before everything turned upside down, I was shocked when no one said they had come. The topic made people uncomfortable and slowly they disappeared from my life. Except one friend that had actually moved in with me and my family several months prior. There lies the twist in the plot of my pursuit for passion. She had showed up one-night past midnight running from an abusive husband with her two kids in tow. I was as I always was, the ever-loving friend. Wanting to help and be of service. I enjoyed the roll of caretaker and dependable BFF. When the same soon to be ex-husband turned up in our yard pointing a gun at my bestie stepping between her and that gun was easy. It is who I am. Passionate about those I love. If truth be told, I would do it again and again without hesitation.

So, imagine the earth-shaking realization that overcame me when I found out my whole 2021 would be the opposite of how my world has always been. No longer was I the dedicated maker who could DIY anything, the wildlife activists who helped animals, nor the supermom I had always tried to be. I could not even be a great friend with all my issues. My forced identity as ‘the patient’ was a struggle. With finding out that all the friends I had counted on had sulked away I stood in the doorway to my own life very scared. I tried to push away this wonderful friend out of love. “Run now hun, this is gonna suck,” I’d warn her. She never faulted though. The deepest connection of our friendship had started out with me taking care of her and now unfolded into this role reversal I was unprepared for. I thought I was saving her, when she in fact is the reason, I am alive. She is still by my side a year and half later. The house runs smoothly, my children are cared for, and meals are prepared with love and music. I am proud to say that the kitchen dance parties that accompany cooking thanks to her are a highlight of my days. I know that when the house grows dark and we play blackout hide and seek, her giggles are sure to give away her hiding spot. My family and I am ever grateful for her in our lives. We are now one family, one tribe. Stronger together. In all the jubilee it could be easy to say it is all hearts and rainbows but that would make for a very skewed view of life.

I have days where I struggle, feeling like a prisoner and an alien inside my new modified body. I have days where physical or emotional pain threatens to drag me down to a dangerous place that makes me wish I could draw my last breath. In all the uncomfortable newness in life I am learning to be flexible and accept the role of being cared for rather than being the caregiver. It continues to be a struggle for me to be at peace with being so out of my normalcy. I am reminded of quotes like, “a tree is strong because it’s flexible in the winds of change not rigid.” All this down time and forced submission in my otherwise self-controlled life and has made me understand some deep points about our humanity.

What I have learned is that our passions are important, but the ability to be flexible and change direction is more important. It is in our ability to direct our sails that we can actually make the changes that we seek in the world. Because nothing ever changes with the same mindset. The passions we have outgrown lend themselves to solving the next challenges we devote ourselves to. It is never too late to find a new passion; life is too short to be anything other than authentic. It is easy to jump on the latest trend and throw your support behind a movement, but without real passion it will fade. No longer will I finish books I am bored with or take someone’s heart for granted. We are where we invest our time, and I will invest myself in the people who have the ability to change others for the better. Because being passionate does not change even if what we are passionate about does change. So, allow yourself to be flexible and grow and reinvent yourself often.