Pandemic Life Advice from a Self-Help Book Addict

"I'm a liar. And I don't care who knows it."

That was the opening line of my first "self-help" book. I put "self-help" in quotes like that because I think people associate it with stupid, repetitive, and a waste of time - and I can attest that I used to be one of those people. Then, I read Shonda Rhimes.

Yes, the creator of Grey's Anatomy, Scandal, and How To Get Away With Murder wrote a self-help book and when I tell you that I've read it once every year, let me rephrase - devoured it once every year, I mean it. This first book on my journey of becoming a self-help addict was called Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand in the Sun and Be Your Own Person. The first couple chapters taught me this:

Say yes to more, but also get real with saying yes to the word no.

You'd think that would be pretty self-explanitory, yes? No. It's not until this book that I realized how much I was actually holding myself back. To give you a short premise of the book without making you feel like you've read it through me, Shonda's sister says to her one day during Thanksgiving - "You never say yes to anything." It hit her like a ton of bricks, that she in all actuality NEVER says yes to anything. In that moment, she committed to one year of saying yes, hence the title, and it ended up changing her entire life. So, just like Yes Man with Jim Carrey - say yes to more, but not all things. After reflecting on the book, I, as well as Shonda, realize that saying yes to saying no, is just as liberating. What I mean by this is simple. A straightforward example - have you ever been asked to go out with your friends, obviously pre-2020, and all you really want to do is stay home and watch Netflix? Say no. Take a bath, light a candle, read a book, eat chocolate. A heavier example - have you ever been in a relationship with someone that you know isn't working and decided to stay out of comfortability? I know I have. The last relationship I was in should have ended in March, maybe even January, before a family trip occurred and you wanna know when it did end? A week before I graduated from college in May, with him. My mom even said - "why didn't you just wait until after graduation and finals, you'd be so much less stressed and sad this week if you had waited. And you know what I said? I should have said yes to saying no, earlier. I should have put myself and my own needs first, earlier. I should have been my own yes man. And in May, I did and it was the hardest and best yes I ever went through. When I think about that break-up and finally become my own yes man, I think and I re-read these lines from the book:

"I find myself wondering, "How do I yes this one?" The Year of Yes, I realize, has become a snowball rolling down a hill. Each yes rolls into the next into the next and the snowball is growing and growing and growing. Every yes changes something in me. Every yes is a bit more transformative. Every yes sparks some new phase of evolution. So what is the Yes here?"

As someone who loves to write, the opening to yet another in my long journey of self-help books SOLD me. Brené Brown, you did it again. It read:

"When I start writing, I inevitably feel myself swallowed by fear."

One of my other Vocal posts about the pandemic titled Reminders and Lessons quite literally started with the words "To be frank, every time I’ve sat down and wanted to write, I freeze. I overthink." After writing this, I picked up Brené Brown's Braving The Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. I felt so seen by that first sentence. I was convinced that writers during this pandemic were just pumping out stories left and right, and I couldn't come up with anything besides - sitting in my backyard and drinking. For those who don't know Brené, I implore you to explore her plethora of books about yes, being your own person, but in truth, vulernability and owning it. The lesson from this book goes as follows:

Adopt the phrase - "I need to learn more about it before I give you my input."

Before I dive into this one, let's analyze 2020 a little first. We had a lot happen, it seemed like each month was a new horrible event. To make a short list out of the atrocious long one we could write: Kobe, Murder Hornets, fires just about everywhere, Black Lives Matter Protests and of course, Covid-19. Chapter 5 of Braving the Wilderness is titled, Speak Truth to Bullshit. Be Civil. She begins with:

"I love the idea of speaking truth to bullshit and I believe in civility - I just think it's really hard to combine the two."

Let's do a little personal storytime. When I was younger, I was that girl in elementary and middle school who would try and fit in with everything and everyone. In 7th grade, I actually had a 45 minute conversation with a friend about an Angels and Airwaves album that I hadn't even heard. Ironically, I now have a Bachelor's degree in Music Industry and I could list every Angels and Airwaves song off the top of my head, but that's against the point. If I had just been honest with her in that moment, I could have learned from her - her opinion, what other music she liked, and made a friend from that bond.

As I've gotten older, I've realized that I have the utmost respect for the people that are asked a question and don't try to bullshit an answer, they simply say they don't know enough about the topic. 2020 is a prime example of that. Don't get me wrong, I think everyone is entitled to their opinion, and yet having constructive, positive conversations about those opinions is not done enough. Reading the chapter about bullshitting and civility made me re-evaluate how naive and short-minded I had been. Brené is quite literally a social scientist. She has a PhD. She uses story-telling, honesty, vulnerability, and most important for this point - research to prove her hypotheses. It'd be like a Trump and Biden supporter having a conversation about the positives and negatives of each politcian without ever having listened to a speech, reading a news report, or watching a debate between the two. It's hard to speak and form an opinion on something you know nothing about, and yet people do it daily. Try to form factual opinions. I loved Brené's interview with Pete Carroll, from the Seattle Seahawks:

"There's no question that it's easier to manage a "fitting-in" culture. You set standards and rules. You lead by "put up or shut up". But you miss real opportunities - especially helping your team members find their personal drive - what's coming from their hearts. Leading for true belonging is about creating a culture that celebrates uniqueness."

Be open to hearing what other people have to say, what's in their hearts. Create your own uniqueness by forming an opinion that can be backed up. Learn to be okay with these three statements:

1. "I need to learn more about it." 2. "I haven't heard about that, can you tell me more?" 3. "I have an opinion on this, but I'm not sure my facts are correct, so feel free to chime in."

In the subtitle of this story, it states "Putting your life back together when your world falls apart". Anyone know who said that? If you guessed Oprah Winfrey, you'd be wrong, but she's probably said it once or seven times. The correct answer is the writer of two of my favorite self-help books, Girl, Wash Your Face and most recently, Didn't See That Coming by Rachel Hollis. I finished Didn't See That Coming this week and I cried, laughed, had to take breaks, and take notes during the read. 2020 was hard for me, as I'm sure it was for the lot of us. This self-help book was written during the pandemic and begins with:

"Can we all just take a minute? Can we just - I mean... what in the actual almighty world just happened?"

Facts. Everytime I watch the news, I'm in disbelief.

I took a lot from the book, each chapter something different, but my MAIN takeaway incapulates the entirety of the book - finances, work, relationships, loneliness, all of it. 2020 seemed like a decade, and I felt completely out of control with just about everything. It wasn't until Chapter 12: Reimagine your Future came into play. I'm someone that needs to feel in control, and yet, never truly caught onto the fact that I have never, ever, not once, been in control of my life. I can make my own choices, yes, but I'm not in control of the outcomes of those choices, right? Hollis hit me hard with:

"You are struggling with the uncertainty of your world because whatever crisis you've gone through has made you realize - some of you for the first time ever - that you are not in control of your life... If you've ever lost a loved one without warning, then you know that you are not in control. If you've ever experienced getting laid off or losing your business despite the fact that you put your heart and soul into the effort, then you know that you are not in control."

Deep down, I knew this. I know that I'm not in control, but I truly had a false sense of security. I had this idea that if I made the "right" choice, I somehow had the power. I lost my job this year. I went back to my waitressing job in my hometown that I had when I was 16 years old. I defined myself by that. I said that I was going backwards, but in reality I was doing what I had to do to survive and THAT was in my control.

My mom lost her job the day after I graduated from college. She worked at this place for 23 years. And when she lost her job, she felt like she lost a piece of herself. I had never seen her cry so much, and trust me when I say this, my mom is a sap, she cries at just about everything (as do I.) She lost herself after losing her job and she's still working to get herself back piece by piece. Because of this, I thought about this question when reading this book, as I too felt lost to the year 2020. I pondered for myself, for my mom, and I believe that this may help you to think about as well:

Who are you, if not your career?

When people ask you, for example, tell me about yourself - you usually resort to typical answers: your job, a previous job, or what you got your degree in. And yes, those are parts of you, but they are not YOU. Make a list. Include things like: daughter, mother, son, father, kind-hearted, musical, faithful. The back of Hollis' book says:

"What's been good will always be good: the smell of coconut sunblock, a five-year old show you the spot where his front tooth used to be, a home cooked meal..."

You get the idea. The smell of coconut sunblock can be a good thing and can also be who you are. Make that list. Fill it with good things, things your grateful for and things that make you feel like yourself.

I could list about sixteen more self-help book that have changed my outlook on life, especially this past year, but if I leave you with anything, it's those three lessons, the speech that I have linked above, and a quote from my most recent self-help book:

"Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it." - Eckhart Tolle