On Your Own

It's been an extremely long and hard day. I woke up at four o' clock this afternoon. It rained all day and I guess that that didn't help my mood at all either. I am currently having a good amount of financial trouble and as hard as I am trying, I just can't seem to get any progression. One good thing that did happen in between all this madness was that I got into the university in my city and am finally going to school for writing.

I know that there are plenty of people out in the world going through struggles and pain. I am in that never ending sea with you. I am 23-years-old (24 soon!) and I live alone in my studio apartment on the "safer" side of my city. My three cats, Bear, Steve, and Panda, live here with me. We've been here for over 7 months and honestly....

Living on my own is something that I really do enjoy. Yes my apartment is small, but it is mine. BUT the cost of living in the state of New Jersey is entirely too high and unreasonable. A lot of jobs do not want to pay you the 23 dollars an hour needed to be able to pay all of your bills on time. And if they do, nine times out of ten, the hours don't line up. More and more people flock to Jersey City everyday. And each day, more and more high rises go up. I have seen contractors build apartments in between two buildings, and I remember thinking,

"How can they possibly fit an apartment right there?"

But they do it.

For as long as I can remember, I have been struggling in some way or another. And I know that life is built on struggles and overcoming them, but I hope it makes sense when I say that my soul is tired. I am tired. I don't make nearly enough to cover all of my bills in one check. Not even both of my checks. I work full time in the cafeteria at the college and close everything each night. I come home and pray that I get to smoke to relieve some stress from the day. But today I broke down. My bills are behind and the support system I need in my parents, is not... well it's just not. All of this stress affects my work, my eating, and my sleep. Most of the time, I do not know how I can still smile and crack jokes. But I guess I have to. Otherwise I feel like I'm going crazy. Writing this at the moment is keeping me from having a mental breakdown. There are so many days where I wish that I could just pack up my essentials, my cats, and leave. I just need peace you know? I haven't gotten a chance to have any semblance of that. This year was pain, and stress and more stress. I am praying that everything for me works out. I need it to.

If you still live at home and are feeling discouraged about still living with your parents, I am telling you all of this so that you don't feel that way. When I was younger all I wanted to do was grow up. Given my situation as a child wasn't great either, I am still fighting to get in a better position. Please please please, stay home as long as you need to get on your feet. Because I am proof that if you are not ready, it can affect more than just where you lay your head. It can change what is in your head as well. Take. Your. Time. Don't listen to these Instagram posts and stories you see on TV. BE YOU. Challenge yourself, but know the limits and where to let yourself breathe. And give yourself a pat on the back because like me, we are all trying to find our way, and I wish no one in the world, the hardships of not eating, not being able to care for themselves, or pay their bills on time. So, get rid of any doubts that you are a bum or not working hard enough. You'll get out. When the time is right for YOU, you'll get out.