Nine Years of Growing

One night me and the wife were up talking. Both the boys had already been put to bed. We were talking about change and how we used to act. My wife opens up with the comment "I would never marry 17 year old you." When questioned further about this statement she explained a little more in depth about what she meant. For her, when I was 17 I was a bit of a douche bag (and she wasn't wrong). We were dating when I was 17, and thinking back she wasn't sure why we stayed together. To be honest neither could I. As any young couple at that age, our relationship had some toxic moments of jealousy and self-confidence. These issues led to some immature arguments and a lot of stress that we don't deal with today due to how our relationship has grown.

We got married when I was 20 and she was 19. When asked about if she would marry 21 year old me her response was "NO!!!" She stated she wouldn't even marry 27 year old me. I was 28 when we had this conversation.

I was getting a little bit flustered at this point. I had some questions running through my mind on if this was her way of telling me that she no longer loved me. It turned out this was far from the point she was trying to make. Thankfully at this point of our marriage I tend to not jump on the first thought train. So I questioned further.

My wife explained to me that each year I get older, she likes the person I have become more than the person I was before. Since we have been together, each year she looks at the year previous and she finds she doesn't like the previous year me. She likes the version of me she goes to bed with that night, and not the one she went to bed with even a half year ago.

When she first told me this I didn't have much to say. I was kind of astounded. I was both happy she liked who I was today, and ashamed of maybe who I was a few years ago. It definitely created a moment of where I had to do some soul searching depth of thinking. After spending a good amount of time pondering about what she said, I came to a few realizations or understandings.

I gained a good understanding of what it means to grow with somebody. You see, after thinking about it, I too realized I liked the person my wife was today more than who she was when we first got married. She had grown in so many ways. Sure, she had become a mother in that time frame. Becoming a parent changes a person in so many ways. But her changes were beyond that. Her interests, her personalities, the relationships she made. Her independence and her new views on life. We had both changed so much and we did it experiencing so much together. We experienced college, death of loved ones, being dirt-poor, car troubles, and situations where we could only rely on each other. We became new people together and we get to experience the new versions of each other with each other.

On a more basic level a big realization is that people do and can change. You often hear people can't change. But I believe our relationship is proof that people can change. It just takes people who are wanting to change, and for people to be in the right situation to change. I think about how we have changed, and I admit those changes did not come easily. There are a lot of trials in there. Frustrations, tears, and emotions led to those changes.

Thinking back on how much we have changed, I am excited for the future. I am excited to be a better person tomorrow and I am excited to see the better version of my wife tomorrow as well. I don't think either of us would be excited if we were headed in a negative direction. I certainly don't think my wife would hate the old me if the new me was worse.

This is one part of what I think allows us to have a strong marriage. We support each other in new adventures and interests. With that support we acknowledge the person before us isn't the same person as they were before. This gives credit to your partner and validates the hard work they put into the relationship and life, it gives validation. In my opinion, validation is something everybody seeks in a relationship. Whether it is with your spouse, or a friend, you want to be validated and noticed for the contributions you bring to the relationship and for people to judge you for who you are, and not who you were.