MY NIGHTMARES WERE MIRROWING MY LIFE

I seem to be in a fugue state of mind these days.

As if reality has somehow blurred and a matrix mindset is now in control of us all.

Do you know the song "where have all the flowers gone". Well I have to change it to "WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOD TIMES GONE".

Or better yet "where have all the good senses gone".

Why is it we seem to take one step backwards every time we try to move forward.

When I was younger I had this recurring nightmare, It came in two phases.

I was lost in a forest or I was clinging to a bridge in the middle of a storm.

I would go to sleep and get lost in an endless forest, Everything looked the same. I would try exhaustedly to find my way out.

This was very tiring even though it was a dream. It felt like I was running for hours and still ended up running in circles.

When I awoke I would be drenched in sweat.

Sometimes if I were lucky. I would enter a village in the woods. People would be there to give me directions. I left and promptly got lost again in the woods.

Sometimes the directions led me to a bus stop, I would get the bus to a specific downtown location and get lost again.

I mused if this was my life. Was I constantly going round in circles with no appointed destination.

The answer was yes. I was.

Some nights my dream would be that I was walking down a long road high up in the hills. Usually I would not see another person. Sometimes I saw one person. Never more than one. The road went on forever, then I would end up on this bridge. I start crossing and a mighty storm erupts. It is a bridge made of ropes and wood crudely twined together.

The storm rages and the bridge is shaking dangerously. I am whipped side by side by the unrelenting wind gusts. But I hold on firmly.

I never got thrown off that bridge no matter how often I had that dream.

I had both dreams on and off for years. Same dreams same circumstances.

Then my son was born.

My dream changed.

I had one dream that I was standing very high above a quiet stream, right on the edge, with my son in my arms.

I remember he was wearing a red baby top. Then the scene changed and he was somehow in the stream floating peacefully away from me. I watched in horror, unable to do anything,

The stream was shallow and way too far below for me to jump in, I woke up in a panic, but my child was sleeping peacefully in his baby bed.

It was as if I had come to a crossroad.

I had one more of the recurring dream after that.

This time, I found my way out of the forest. I was now on a really well paved endless asphalt road. A smooth road leading in both directions unto infinity.

Just me. Nobody and nothing in sight.

"Which way do I go". I asked myself out loud. "Left or right".

I choose right and started walking.

I woke up.

That was the last time I had the dream for many years.

In many ways my life was those dreams.

My childhood passed by in a blur of activity. A large family, not enough attention paid to individual child. I learned a lot of lessons the hard way. By experience, many of them unpleasant.

My naivety was painfully obvious to all. There was so much I realized I did not know.

So many lessons learned the hard way.

Being lost in that forest was me being lost in life. Going around in circles trying to find my niche.

I loved books. I lost myself in the fantasy world of books instead of the real world.

"Read a thousand books, travel a thousand miles".

I loved comic books. I bought a ton of them. They cost almost nothing back then. But, so valuable today. I wish I still had them.

If I knew then what I know now. Youth is really wasted on the young.

I am a little nerdy I realize, I now tell my older self, you were just a little different from other kids.

And THAT is totally ok.

I never liked the things other kids liked or wanted to do the things other kids did. I never liked the clothes other kids liked.

And THAT is totally ok.

I am still weird and quirky and a bit eccentric. IT IS OK.

Sometimes I wonder if the children being born now are being recycled by heaven and sent back. They are so much wiser that when we were children.

But, I digress.

My struggle to adulthood was that forest. With no specific plan and just fumbling around in the darkness of a grey existence.

I did have to leave my son for a while to go work overseas, That was him sailing calmly by himself in the stream of life. It made him sad.

The stormy sea was the turmoil and emotional entanglements which is a natural part of a very confused life.

My son and I made it to that beautifully paved road eventually.

We forged ahead and overcame many obstacles to eke out a comfortable

existence.

Once in a while when I faced some troublesome problem, I would regress to the forest dream. But not often.

We are staring life squarely in the face and overcoming all obstacles

with determination and force.

Dreams are our subconscious selves reenacting what we feed into it at any given time.

Be careful what you feed your subconscious self. It holds on to it and acts on it for you.

Make your thoughts and wishes positive and success driven, Your subconscious will listen and reward you.

When times are hard and unbearable is when you have to be the most positive. It may seem an unreasonable request but you have to be the master of yourself.

HERE IS TO DREAMS. MAY THEY EVER LEAD YOU HOME.