listening to my heart.

I have about ten minutes until my supper is ready and I was told just to write. I have been feeling kind of down lately. I have been grieving, I have been feeling lonely, and I have been feeling like nothing makes sense. Confusion is my main emotion, and I can not get use to it. I love knowing why something happened, and what happened. I hate not knowing, and I hate when you know alittle but not the whole picture. Sometimes I wonder if we will ever get the answers we need. I Just do not know understand life sometimes.

I wrote an essay for one of my friends about conflict, and I am in one for sure right now. I am in conflict with my emotions and life. I Am in a conflict with emotions because I do not know how to feel. Do I feel anger or sadness or both? I was not ready to say goodbye, I was not prepared for some of the losses. I always thought people would live forever, then I grew up and realized everyone's idea of forever is different. I am in conflict with life because I do not know where I am going, what I am doing and what my purpose in this life is. I Had so many dreams, and I am just now working on them..... Why now? Why when the people who meant the most to me are not here to see it or witness in person? I just feel completely lost and unsecure for life right now, and that just hits different. Life is a little different for me right now, and I am trying to do a thousand things at once, and can not hit the breaks before I turn into a ditch. That is how I am feeling right now, and it is one of the scariest things in my life. Now to find a place that will let me sit inside to write some more blogs and do a podcast...... Why must Dunkin have their tables closed still?

I am suppose to be just writing but the words are not going as smooth as I would like them to. I Just need answers that I am not getting, and life is a little weird right now. Friday night lights is on also, and it makes me miss the good ole days. We use to watch this show when it would come on , and that is crazy that is on right now. OK, now that I am rambling and there is no real reason for this post other than hopefully it helps someone else realize that they are not the only ones who are in a deep depression that they can not talk to anyone about, because relatable.

Just know that no matter what someone out there is missing the old days just like you , and wishes for once that answers were easy to find. I guess 2020 is just going to make every other year seem like its been 4 whole years in a one whole year...... Or is that just what I feel? F2020 , have you heard that song? I Need to go listen to it, and sleep away this pain. Hope this post somehow helped someone. But instead I will probably write four more blog posts, and record a podcast.

Do I Know what that podcast will be about? No, I do not. Do I know that it will be a good podcast? No, but I am hoping and praying that everything goes as it is suppose to. Today has not been the best, but we all know that good days lead to better days. Life is a unicorn, magical and weird all in the same thing. I hope you enjoyed this blog post, and I promise to be posting more. Comment below, what you wanna see more of and I will do my best.

Xo.