A bit of background about this. I wrote this many many years ago, it took me a number of years to be able to speak it. thanks again and never underestimate someones ability to shine. Thank you for taking the time to read this short piece.
Never the Less She persisted, with a twist, despite it all. My raw truth.
I gave up so many times I lost count, actually I never attempted to bother trying to keep count, I was to busy trying to survivor my turbulent beginnings
From early sexual abuse, I grew up seeing myself as a mere commodity. Every breath I took was immersed in the sheer survival of the pain and confusion that swirled in my body and mind making me an easy target, a victim of yet another ugly occurrence that of a victim of human trafficking and addiction.
So when folks would say “life is a gift” my response for the first 34 years of my life was “where the fuck is the return counter. I didn’t wanna be here and I persistently persisted in numbing the pain. Despite my efforts I remained, my doctor once said Robin if you jumped off the CN tower you’d probably sprain your ankle, still I kept trying to end my life, to end the pain cause i could see no way out but alas i was unsuccessful every time for which Im grateful for now. In the wake of living such a life I accumulated more damage as I went along but truly I didn’t know how to get out.
Persistence is a funny thing, tendency is to think of action, efforts but there is, another perspective. I do truly believe we all move at our own pace and it’s imperative to never underestimate someone’s ability to shine.
So recently I came across something I wrote over 25 years ago which isn’t necessarily about persistence but as a result of persisting one foot in front of the other, I am now able to voice what once bounced within my being, aching to be released. The pain I still carry and yes it does rear its ugly head from time to time, showing up uninvited and though with support and therapy I’ve got more tools and supports to cope but I can’t change what was. My life has taken a different turn
When I ask you to listen to you & me start-giving advice, you have not done what I asked
When I ask you to listen to me & you begin to tell me why I “shouldn’t” feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange, as that may seem
Listen, all I asked, was that you listen, not talk or do, just hear me.
Advice is cheap; 10 cents will get you both Dear Abby & Billy Graham in the same newspaper. And I can do for myself, I’m not helpless maybe discouraged and faltering but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can & need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear & weakness. But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no mater how irrational it may seem to u, then I can quite trying to convince you & get down to the business of understanding what’s behind these feelings.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.
Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes, for some people because G-d is mute and He doesn’t give advice or try to fix things. Just listen, and let me work it out for myself.
So please listen and just hear me and if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn and I will listen to you. I am not broken, damaged perhaps but not broken and its not you place to fix me. You can walk with me, support me, show compassion even if you have no understanding but you cannot do it for me, as it is an inside job.
Multifaceted me, we all consist of multi layers -sometimes I feel I am fragmented because I am. I had to learn to accept that and embrace it, as it is all the layers and facets that make me who I am today. Wishing you all good mental health