It is hard to explain... so I guess I'll just start at the beginning...
Since I was very young I had this 'tick' I was able to feel other people's emotions, if I passed someone in a store - even if they smiled - I could feel sadness, and I would carry that sadness through the rest of my day... at those young ages I didn't understand what was wrong with me... I grew up in a hard home for the first several years of memory... My dad was abusive towards us... my mom and my siblings... He was mean... and constantly angry... I don't have many memories of a young age where I didn't fear his pressence, even after he left... Most of my younger memories I remember being scared and trying to walk on eggshells... being taken from my bed in the middle of the night by my mother and waking up at someone else's home sometimes my grandparents and sometimes a family from our church... it took a long time for us to mend ourselves in our own way... Mom had to emmerse herself into work to take care of our now broken home and she had to hide her pain from us while my younger siblings and I cared for each other and the home.
This was the time where I noticed that the home was stained with a horrible anger and I would carry that along with my own anger... I never really expressed myself to anyone else because if I got close I would feel their pains from their own lives and carry that as well... I withdrew to reading, writing and music... Most of my friends and activities I did because I felt they had to be done and that was the normal thing to do, but most of the time I didn't even feel like I belonged there... But I would pull the good emotions from those around me and it made it easier to play along with it... The more I was forced or tried to force myself into these situations the more exhaused I would get... I don't mean to say that I NEVER had friends or a good time, I did very much and have a lot of good memories, but there's also a lot of difference between the two.
Our mother met the man that we would come to have as our father and to this day we will tell people "THIS is our father, we have no other." And for those who don't know we never have to explain, but there have been a few times with people who knew the old one would try to push us with questions and tell us that we needed that connection with this dark past.
I got insomnia at a young age, I didn't understand this either, I just called myself a "Night Owl" or "Vampire" (which I studied a lot at this age) and would read and listen to music till I would finally crash... It wasn't until close to my 20s that I would learn it was Insomnia, and a real thing, and this new found knowledge made me angry. Growing up I had so many adults around me telling me I was just stubborn and wanted to play around and that I was stalling going to sleep and that I just wanted to be disobedient and would sometimes be punished for it when I really couldn't control it and no one would believe me when I told them I physically and mentally couldn't help it even if I laid in a dark room staring at the ceiling, and for several years I thought "maybe I am just trying to be disobedient"...
I easily made music one of my passions, collecting every song, band and genre I could get ahold of many of the songs even to this day will make me emotional when I listen to it. Even new songs I will start to listen to and I will start to cry even if I'm not sad. To this day I have close to 70 gigabytes of music, a lot of people look through my old CDs, and Mix CDs (I used to make them by the dozens, even making certain ones and giving them as gifts to friends and family), to my downloads on several old iPods and newer iPhone. Even though a lot of the same music spans across the CDs and devices I always find something new and even having a family of my own you will hear us playing music and dancing through the house daily.
Writing was a passion of mine at a young age I believe first grade was the first time I wrote a story, this was my main outlet for my pain. I could express all of the pain in the world by putting the charaters through hell and have them come out the other side and brush off the dust. Family truma, abusive relationships, finding that true love; all of these things I have been able to help myself work through an slowly let go of the pain. There have been many times my mother would ask me why I'd write such depressing stories and why never good ones, it would puzzle me but it was easier to just stop asking her to read them and kept them to myself.
Reading was always a passion since I was able to sit my first book I was able to sit and read was Alice in Wonderland. And since then my library has grown and still grows. I constantly look through bookstores and thrift stores and anywhere that sells books. I love the paper, words, smells absolutely everything that has to do with books.
Over the years my birth father did come back... it lasted for a couple years we would talk every day and I thought our bridge was being mended... I travelled to see him and found out he had a new girlfriend he never told me about her even though he was living with her, which wasn't unusal over the years, and she was pregnant, that was new. We had a really good visit and I was. very tempted to stay, but my gut told me to go back home and I did. A few months later the child was born, happy and healthy and it didn't take long for me to know my siblings and I were finally replaced. And the past few years the new man we grew accosumed to was once again gone, other than a few scattered messages or seeing posts online. But I think this gave us all the closure we craved, we saw the real person and with the lights on the dark monster was gone and we all were able to understand that it was his unhappiness in our life that made him that way. And we, for once having the choice, quietly took our own leave.
As an adult I still have to deal insomnia and with other people's emotions latching to me and I do still have trouble droppong those new emotions, but with my husband and son by my side we have found a way for me to handle it. I start my day as I feel I need to and take care of our son which he is pretty independent and on most days is helping me more than I need to help him. I don't go out to much and keep my time out to a decent minimal. We try to go out on fun sunny warm days so people around us have generally better moods. I keep crystals on hand to help keep me calm and unanxious and we have fun days.
We also spend a lot of time as a family cooking, playing games and just being us, we try not to surround ourselves with a lot of people that carry bad auras and like drama. I try to keep our home and personal auras clear and when we visit family that really has more drama/negative prone lives we try to meet them at their homes, yes it is tiring and exhausts me but it is so much easier to go home and take a hot bath and listen to music and cleanse my aura rather than spend several hours trying to cleanse my entire house so I can feel good and comfortable again.
It has really helped me to find my husband being, not an empath himself, but understanding what it is and what goes into being one, he has his own abilities as well. His main one being that He can sense and see ghosts and tries to help them be comfortable, or he'll make them leave. There have been so many times where one would try to play tricks on me, I can sense someone is in the room but can't see them, and it doesn't help them if my son sees them and starts to giggle that they moved my book or phone and try to confuse me. I'll tell my husband he needs to tell his friends to leave me alone.
There was one he had to fully bansih from our home because it wouldn't just play harmless tricks it tried to literally terrorize me. It would loudly chase me through the hall in the middle of the night or stand over me while I tried to sleep. Once I was able to catch a glimpse of him through our kitchen window in the middle of the night, which seeing someone looking through my windows at night or really anytime is one of my biggest fears of my life, and my husband called it the last straw. He called his mother, who is a witch and got a sigil spell from her and banished him from our home. It still allowed the calm spirits that didn't actually mean harm inside and he wrote the sigil on the back of all of our mirrors as well to keep the spell strong.
At this point I assume I have lost most readers, or people are saying, "Yeah right that isn't true." But I know there will be a small select few that will nod and think, "Me too... wow..." And to those readers, to all readers, I hope that your paths are blessed and you will find your way out of the darkness that you feel suffocating around you. To those readers I say, "It IS possible." I used to lay awake at night feeling so completely, entirely alone and I thought that I would be living my entire existence feeling empty... like "love" was just a four letter word that was used to hide the pain... That "sorry" had no meaning it was just something someone said after they hurt you mentally or physically... That "I'll never do it again" actually meant "we'll have a good relationship, but only for a few days till I'm bored again"... That being intimate was always scary and painful and left you laying alone on the floor hating yourself... That being emotional was a weakness and would get you hurt... It took me many years to unravel myself and slowly put it all back together, but I am telling you it is possible. It will take work, it will take patience... Some people will have to do it alone, I have been blessed to have someone finally holding my hand and saying, "We can do this." And that is what I am saying to you,
"You CAN do this."