Life Lessons I Hope I Learn by 40-Something as a 30-Something Man

As the meaning of life becomes clearer, so do the lines on my face.

I am 34 years old and approaching 40 like a Japanese Bullet Train. It’s in your human nature to fear aging. Aging means you’re getting closer to death. Yet there are plenty of people who are still alive but dead inside.

As I get older I hope I have very few regrets. I’m not sure what being 40 will feel like. It sounds old in my millennial brain full of perfect Instagram faces, seen through years of social media abuse.

The strange thing about getting older is I feel that you get wiser. And wisdom is a huge advantage. Finding wisdom makes life have more meaning — and when your life is full of meaning, well, it feels, kinda… good. Here’s what I hope to learn by 40 that will help you contemplate getting older.

You can make a difference (a huge difference, even).

I have always believed my life was small. That what I had to offer the world didn’t hold a lot of value. As a 30-something year old I still doubt my ability to make much of a difference at times. I hope by 40 that changes.

I hope I discover the phenomenon of ripple effects — where you do something so tiny on one side of the planet that reaches someone on the other end of the world. But I also hope the difference doesn’t have to be so big that it takes me a lifetime to discover.

Could you not make a difference too? Small differences matter. I started writing in my 20s and assumed I’d give up within a year. It was a habit so small that it looked insignificant, which is how I got started. A habit grows over time. A habit aimed at other people is how you have the opportunity to make a difference.

You can start whenever.

I’ve always been late to the party. I hope by 40 that I start arriving on time more often. That I decide to start weird, bizarre things sooner to see where they lead. At 30, it takes me time to decide to try something new. I’m not easily convinced. As a salesperson, I am terrible at selling things to myself.

What if you started sooner? What if you didn’t wait until retirement to take six months off and travel for no reason at all? The best times of my life so far have been when I’ve gone off track and decided to just be happy with where I’m at, rather than feel the need to fill a huge void that would take a lifetime.

You don’t need much to start. You can start where you are.

The hardest yes is the one you give to yourself.

There is no safety net.

I have always depended on a safety net. Both when it comes to money and relationships. I hope by 40 that this changes. Why?

Because you can be fired from your job at any time. You can have the money you have saved in a bank disappear, as we learned in the 2008 recession full of bank bailouts.

The government isn’t going to save you either. They will do their best to give their citizens the illusion they are saving them in return for votes at the next election. But really, they know they can’t save you.

Safety nets are an illusion, followed by a life of delusion.

You can just save yourself.

Relationships can be beautiful when you work on yourself.

I have endured many breakups so far. I used to always think it was the other person’s faults that were causing the issue. Slowly, I have learned that most relationship issues are my fault. I hope by 40 that I get better at working on myself rather than trying to fix my partner.

What you see in the world is the result of the relationship you have with yourself. If the relationships in your life are burning to the ground then it could have something to do with you. The good news is you can go on a journey into understanding yourself.

Meditation, writing, talking to a person full of wisdom — all can help you see the lies you accidentally tell yourself.

The pleasures of children.

I have no children as a 30 something-year-old. I hope that by 40 I see what my friend, who has just given birth, sees. The unpredictability of the human she helped create is the highlight of her day.

She sees herself in her baby. Taking care for another person has changed her. She has become even more empathetic.

Suddenly, the world’s problems look different. She is preoccupied with a cause bigger than the news headlines. Making her baby smile is a real joy. I have no idea what world she is living in. I hope that changes one day.

You will miss your relatives more when they’re gone, than when they’re alive.

Most of my relatives have passed away in the last few years.

There are some relatives I haven’t seen for a long time. I don’t miss them but I fear I might one day when they’re gone. I fear I might regret not taking 5 minutes to pick up the phone to them and say hello, knowing they, like me, have probably forgotten what tiny problem separated us in the first place.

I hope that by 40 I learn this lesson. Actually, scrap that. Why wait? I don’t want to wait six more years. It’s time to reconnect with my lost loved ones.

How about you? Who haven’t you spoken to for some reason you can’t even remember after all these years? Maybe this year of isolation is the year you remember how important human relationships with family are for your soul.

Seeing your flesh and blood grounds you; it reminds you where you came from so you can figure out where you’re going.

Love is a work in progress.

I used to believe that one had to find the right person to be in a relationship with. That a person’s bio told you whether you were compatible. I’m learning, slowly, that compatibility with another person is a lie.

You don’t fall in love. You work your way to love by taking small steps.

I hope by 40 I have developed that spark of love in my life into something even more beautiful. That I have worked on that love enough to automate most of the process.

You can work on love too. You can see your flaws and commit to working on them, while remaining an imperfect human being capable of loving another person for who they are.

Time is worth more than money or going to work.

At 20, I worshipped money like a religion.

The luxury car lifestyle was a game I played. I worked myself into the ground. I burned out and became mentally ill. It took me until 30-years-old to see I fell in love with the money, not the work I was doing. Now I give up money to buy back more, and more, and more time.

I want more time to work, so I use money wisely to get me there faster.

But I’m not there yet. I hope by 40 that how I view money changes even more. I hope that I don’t look at the salary range of a potential new career as a feature worth paying attention to. I hope my expenses are even lower so I can work less. And I hope I don’t get into debt.

You can use time to do so many enjoyable things in life. Money only takes you so far. Money can force you to step on a bear trap and make you spend your precious time paying off debt to buy the “lifestyle.”

Your idea of money can change so you can enjoy time instead.

It’s okay to fear entrepreneurship.

I’ll let you in on a secret: business scarred me for a long time.

The idea of entrepreneurship still holds me back. Whenever I work on a business I can’t help but think of the colossal failures from another lifetime. I fear entrepreneurship, sometimes, because I know how easy it is to get ahead of yourself and take too much risk.

As 40 approaches, I hope I fear entrepreneurship less. I hope that a four-day 9–5 job (like what I have now) may not be required, if I choose.

Many people just like you fear entrepreneurship. It’s normal. Business involves taking a lot of risks. If you start a business there is a good chance you will fail. You might even lose everything.

So it’s normal to fear a path in life that could wipe out everything you’ve ever worked for. But when you take the risk, you feel like you’ve lived a little too.

You do you. Start a business, or don’t.

Disaster points to opportunity.

It’s easy to drift through life and let disasters ruin how you see the world.

I have had many disasters so far. From losing a job I worked hard to get, in front of a large audience of onlookers on LinkedIn. To experiencing the meltdown of my mental health and feeling like I was going to physically vomit everywhere I went.

Disaster still scares me. I worry about what the global recession could do to me and those I love. I know deep down that disaster creates opportunities, yet I still avoid them. I hope by 40 that I lean in to disaster. I hope I make my life full of more disasters to test what is possible. I hope I finally realize that everything will be okay no matter what happens.

You’ve had some disasters too. I’m not alone. What if disasters were how you achieved results? It’s a question worth thinking about.

Maybe you’re bored because you need more disasters in your life.

The nuances hold the beauty.

I’ve always focused on huge things.

As I approach 40 I’m starting to appreciate the nuances of life. I look at writing and hope to learn one tiny lesson. I go to work each day and hope to meet one person who I stay in touch with.

I hope to get one message from a reader every now and then, and write them a heartfelt response. I look out the window and hope for a sunny day rather than a list full of activities to excite my dopamine obsessed mind.

There is still a long way to go. But I hope by 40 that the small stuff holds even more beauty. That I’m even more okay with doing smaller things instead of bigger things that have rewards attached to them.

You might begin to feel the same as you age. How many small things do you step over and completely ignore? Do you chase widely audacious goals for reasons you can’t remember?

Exercise and healthy food help you age well (maybe meditation too?)

(Let’s not make this a plant-based vegan festival.) I have eaten a lot more plant-based food this year. Processed food has mostly disappeared from my life, except the occasional block of dark chocolate.

As a 30 year old I’m pretty happy with my diet. My exercise routine is terrible, though. Since the gym shut for good and will most likely file for bankruptcy shortly, I have stopped exercising as much.

I hope by 40 that I find a way to eat good food and exercise more than I currently do. The temptation for me is to do knowledge work that exercises the mind and think it also exercises the muscles too. It doesn’t.

How you look as you age has a lot to do with what you eat and the level of exercise you commit too.

I see grey hair as a sign of enormous stress.

My ex-girlfriend’s grandpa was in his 80s and had no grey hair. I asked him how this was possible. His longwinded answer basically said “exercise, eat good food, and stress less.”

Parents are right about a lot.

Growing up, I assumed my parents were wrong about everything. I took their advice and did the opposite.

As a 30-something-year-old I have realized they were right about more than I care to admit. They respect classical music and good ol’ fashion peace and quiet. They like long drives to nowhere and holidays that don’t involve getting on a plane. I hope by 40 that more of their way of life rubs off on me.

Your parent’s way of life is interesting. Your parent’s way of living tells you a lot about yourself. What you believed they were wrong about, slowly, can become right. Question your childhood assumptions.

The smarter you become, the less you speak.

At 20, I was a loud, obnoxious asshole.

At 30, I am still a bit too loud and I know it.

By 40, I hope I get a little quieter and speak less.

The people I admire aren’t loud. They don’t talk a lot. They are good listeners. They make me feel like a million dollars by being present. I’m still a goldfish with a short attention span in comparison.

I hope by 40 that I get closer to being quieter. I want what I have to say to be felt, or read, not spoken as loudly as it is right now.

You don’t have to talk a lot or have a huge social media following to be an incredible human being. You can do that all by yourself, without any spectators.

Final Thought

Your life is a work in progress. You’re probably not where you want to be in ten years. Having a goal in the future is how you aim towards improving yourself because the process never ends.

One day you’ll look at your life while lying on your deathbed and hope that you found the meaning in it all. Until then, think about who you want to be in the future and start working on that person today.

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Disclaimer

The original version of this story was published on another platform.

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