It's not annoying that I am often so positive -

A BIG RAY OF SUNSHINE.

I have been labeled over the years as being annoyingly optimistic. Even NAIVE.

I have been told too that I am so passionate and brave. So confident.

I notice how I have been labeled all across the spectrum and how it indicates where the person is at in their own healing journey from trauma.

Here's the thing - life has a lot of challenges. The older we get, the more responsibilities and weights are put on our shoulders. I get that. Me too, ya know.

In fact, I grew up super fast as the only child in two abusive homes. I had to be responsible for myself in a way that kids should not have to. By the time I was 17 I was a single mom in COLLEGE, learning things that some of my friends are only now learning in their early 30's.

It is not just parenthood that is tough, but landing and securing jobs - having a steady and sizable income. These are all parts of being an adult we are going through. Most of us are doing so while in survival mode.

And there is a direct correlation between their life experiences + their outlook on life.

I have struggled with a lot of mindset issues due to trauma. I have chronically people pleased for years as a default setting. I have had to learn the "hands-on" way AKA the "hard way" often because I had no one telling me how things were done prior. I just learned from jumping in and either F**king up or Succeeding!

But I notice that since I have been to a lot of therapy, spoken out about the trauma, and been the black sheep of my family - I have also developed some great outlooks on life.

Most notably, my optimism.

Coming in as a close second, my patience.

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS, MAYBE

I think I can chalk up a lot of bad mindset to perspectives now that I have witnessed hundreds of thousands of people on the internet the last 6 years. This matters to this story, because being in a small pond and thinking you know a thing about life is way different when you enter the ocean.

I grew up hearing friends complain about their moms wanting to show up to things, how often their parents called them, how they wished they could have an entire list of things for Christmas - no matter how expensive. I have witnessed what (to me) felt like entitlement - because I grew up in poverty and abuse. I had no one to do those things for me so I would have been so grateful.

I now long for a lot of the things people take for granted.

Like I will never have parents in my life and my kids will never know my family (on 3 sides). I am the black sheep because I escaped to survive and have a better life (for me and my kids).

But then there are these times on the internet when I witness people just taking up space complaining. Complaining about what I yet again assess as dumb to complain about. What I think is a waste of energy, time, and thought.

But I catch myself and think about how people are feeling when they choose to express themselves. When they are prompted to worry or complain because of something entirely irrelevant that is bothering them, but they never learned how to talk about it so they deflect. Or take things out on others when they feel upset.

I think about how people who are chronically negative are also anxious. How frequent worrying, anxiety, and purging of seemingly monotonous details in their lives are actually little flags (as if to say, please help me).

I think about how many people were raised by parents who ridiculed every single thing they did. EVERYTHING. And it did not stop there. Their parents did that because their parents did that too. It was a generational loop that passed on crappy parenting and dismissive communication. It taught generations of people to deflect, be defensive, be chronically negative, and by nature pessimistic.

WE ARE LEADING HORSES TO WATER WHO WERE TAUGHT THAT THE RIVER IS POISON.

What makes me think even deeper is how these generations of people have perpetuated the idea that things are not to be trusted. That people and situations and opportunities are all dangerous.

I have seen so many people avoid or completely skip over opportunities because they do not want to mingle with other nationalities, cross any cultural boundaries, mix with other types of religions, or communicate with people of different age groups.

I grew up hearing my own grandparents say racial slurs and bad words about the neighbors. Tell stories of how they avoided marrying or befriending people of different walks of life.

I hid my own desire to date outside my culture and hid my bisexuality until I was in my late teens to appease my family.

The fear of exploring the water, let alone drinking it, runs very deep.

When I went off to college, I finally drank the water.

You know what I discovered when living at a college campus amongst students from all around the world?

We all bleed red. We all hate having an exam coming up. We all cry from a breakup. We all fear being in the dark at night even if there is nothing there. People from all around the world roll their eyes or UGH at their parents texting or calling too often.

We are very, very human no matter what corner of the earth we come from.

And all over the world, there are negative people who were raised to question and doubt everything.

QUESTION THINGS AND THEN GO TEST THEM OUT.

I learned from trying things out for myself, as someone who raised themselves for survival. I blossomed in college when I lived in a campus apartment, even as a single teen mother with a toddler.

I will be honest, I miss college even still. I loved my college years. And those six years (between two schools) were far from "typical".

In fact, I was a loud and proud teen mom / student that stuck out like a sore thumb on campus. In a good way, mostly.

I was interviewed several times about my experience as a young mom and student, each time feeling more than happy to share a perspective very rarely heard. I was SUPER proud.

I got asked over and over though "how do you do it?" I kept feeling this deep urge to SCREAM, - "I APPLIED MYSELF."

So I did. I joined the school paper because I loved to write. And I went from being featured to being given my own column every month in that paper, called "Parents Point of View", where I wrote about important topics on teen parenthood and mental health.

I will never forget my debut piece "I got pregnant because I had S*x". Because so many ADULTS and students alike loved to ask me bluntly how I could get pregnant so young. I thought I was being funny then, but I actually wrote an article about the unfair treatment and disparity between how young women were treated compared to young men when becoming a teen parent. How I was basically a pariah at my old school and kicked to the curb by all adults / mandated reporters while my ex got a scholarship to his dream school, a brand new mustang, and an exit ticket from our life (as a partner and parent).

WHEN YOU HAVE A PLATFORM, USE THE PRIVILEGE.

What I learned from my years in College was that you had to use your voice and find the right opportunities to shine. YOU HAD TO APPLY YOURSELF in order for anything to work out.

I was asked another common question often - how did I do it? How did I manage being a student, mom, work on campus, and join leadership positions on campus? How did I get scholarships even when state aid was low? How did I fundraise and win funds?

It was not just that I applied myself though.

I NOW realize that I was sort of unique.

I believed in myself.

I had this mindset (and still do) that success was mine for the taking. That I could achieve things and run with my ideas because I was that good.

It was not just confidence or being naive.

I was so positive, in spirit and heart.

I have to tell you that the spirit of that college girl diminished a bit when I got married and had more kids.

When I became a mom again, this time to coparent with a partner who wanted a family and was raised with family values - I struggled.

The last 6 years almost wrote over the six years before that as a single mom and college girl.

Being a wife and stay at home mom has been SO HARD for me. I have realized how little I learned about being a wife or mom in a traditional sense. Because I grew up as an only child in dysfunctional homes and broken relationships, I never learned how to thrive in a long term, committed relationship.

I brought my child with me to campus, put her in daycare while I worked and attended school, as well as brought her to campus leadership events. I was a college kid PLUS baby. I made my dreams a priority and my daughter watched a very empowered young lady do it all.

What have my 3 kids seen me do? Cry a lot.

But I have also worked hard to be a stay at home mom, while reparenting myself, learning how to navigate coparenting and having inlaws, and learning how to build a business.

I have a new perspective that has been a bit more BRUTAL and less "bright" the last few years.

But I want to tell you something SO important...

I did not GROW UP more.

I became influenced by more ridicule, opinions, and a wider range of people.

I went from being important in the pond to seemingly drowning in the ocean.

It was not because I left those "rose-colored glasses" college years.

I have just believed less over the years that I am capable of being more than merely surviving adulthood.

WRITING MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I AM AN ACHIEVER.

Getting back into my spirit of optimism and positivity... it comes when I write. Especially after I spend periods of time reading all over the internet what others have to say.

I am reminded again, even within Vocal support groups, that people default to very fearful or anxious thinking.

I don't say that to upset people or rub them the wrong way.

I now know that some of my friends who straight up sat complaining about having to answer the 10th call from their mom or dreading going home for the weekend (but at least their mom would do their laundry) were feeling legitimately annoyed. And I only knew the surface of their experiences or relationships. I only took the surface-level small talk for what it was at the time and felt triggered by the absence of love and support in my own life.

But there is something deeper to look at when people post on the internet to fight, shed doubts or fears, complain about seemingly mundane things, or insist on rudely asking questions that were literally posted and replied to several times prior ---

People have not really been taught how to express their feelings of disappointment, frustrations, or fear. People have not been listened to, validated enough, or respected in their private life. So when they express these things in public groups and forums, it reflects a whole lot that I read between the lines of. And I feel for it.

I feel a lot about the lack of communication skills that people get taught (generationally speaking).

I feel bad about the trauma people carry and the subconscious patterns people are burdened by until they finally catch their own patterns and desire to heal them.

I feel a type of way when I see someone use their time, effort, and energy towards saying things like "I won't win", "I won't make it", "I could never", or "Not in my lifetime"....

Because this gentle energy within me whispers...

But YOU CAN. And you SHOULD. And you COULD.

YOU COULD APPLY YOURSELF.

YOU COULD BE GRATEFUL.

YOU COULD KEEP TRYING.

YOU COULD BE SO THANKFUL.

YOU COULD EXPERIMENT AND USE YOUR OWN DISCERNMENT.

YOU COULD BELIEVE IN YOURSELF BEFORE SEEING THE PROOF THAT YOU ARE GREAT BY SOMEONE ELSE'S VALIDATIONS OR APPROVAL.

YOU....

You could really thrive and be something more...

If only you could see that nothing is as bad as living a life on survival mode. Better than not having anyone who loves you or who you can love.

You could win. But not everyone gets to win.. so you know.. be so grateful you can just keep showing up for yourself, doing what you love.

I am not annoyingly optimistic, to be honest.

I have just been through so much that I am grateful for the privilege of good health, safety, and the ability to use my voice. So I want to use it for the good.

PAST ARTICLES AND INTERVIEWS -

My interview with people magazine: https://people.com/parents/how-i-parent-mom-talks-emancipation-from-parents-and-helping-other-trauma-survivors/

Some of my interviews in College -

https://collegesuccessformoms.wordpress.com/2015/01/26/moms-like-us-spotlight-jean-bowen/

https://campusreporter.wordpress.com/2011/10/18/cradle-of-success-a-group-helping-parenting-students-on-campus/

Campus activism http://www.campusactivism.org/displaypeople-6781.htm

My blog: www.jadedsavior.com