If it feels good do it!

When you stop to think about it we are on this Earth for a blip in time. While we are here we actually seem hellbent on making it difficult for ourselves. If you were to question most people they would say at times that their lives are at times unpleasant, boring, controversial and dramatic. Contentment and kindness don’t seem to figure as much. Of course they are there, probably in greater measure, but it’s not those comfortable swathes of time or sweet moments that stay in the forefront of peoples brains... whenever things are going smoothly it’s taken for granted. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say that most people quite simply don’t have the time to examine their lives, their motivations and desires in any real detail... for the most part they are just struggling to survive. Gliding along on autopilot like this is possibly a less than ideal way to live... but a great many of us don’t have an option, or an inkling that there might be a different way.

THINKING TOO MUCH,OR NOT ENOUGH

My life was one of those that was I suppose, unexamined, not worth living then according to Socrates. Well, actually what nonsense.. I was pretty happy with my life. The problem was, or so it turned out to be, was that I was unaware of the extent that my subconscious ruled my actions and motivations. I had a definite pattern that I followed and it had not necessarily been any kind of a problem before. I pretty much had followed the maxim “if it feels good do it”. As I highly valued my personal quality as a good friend and partner so I certainly added the rider “so long as it hurts no one”. I have to say that that actually served me pretty well... and for the most part seemed to be ok.

FEAR

What I certainly did recognise in myself was that I was pretty fearful.. of rejection and of disappointing people. As far as I was concerned this made me a pretty normal human. I didn’t know at the time that fear was a signal that I had something to overcome and heal, that there was no actual need to be fearful, but it had never occurred to me that I should question it. As far as I was concerned, if I was honest and strived to make myself understood, nothing could go too wrong. Wrong. I hadn’t reckoned on my provoked monkey brain causing me to act in a way I had promised not to.... and this had far reaching consequences. Most good in the longer term but in the short term a horrible disaster. A disaster in which I found myself guilty of the worst possible crime I felt I could commit. Not being a good friend. I was being labelled far worse... that was anger, bluster and that was nonsense. But what was true was that I had failed as a friend... and I had to say in my defence, I had actually tried to make myself and my boundaries understood.

BAD FRIEND

Fear of rejection and ironically fear of being unfriendly had stopped me from fully stepping up in that regard. What’s this got do with following the life rule if it feels good do it? Well quite simply exploring a connection that was unusual in many respects and probably would not normally be given a second thought... if all the usual societal judgments were the dominant factor. But it felt good... so as the song says ... I don’t care what people say... I’m going to explore that path anyway. I made a few attempts to make a few important points clear, I was brushed aside. I didn’t push it and I should have.

I SAID, THEY SAID

You can’t really control how people receive your energy, how they understand you... they don’t really know you and have a fairly surface understanding... even if you do get on well... anything you do or say goes through a filter of what’s going of for them and their comprehension of what’s happening. In this case I could have made my stance clearer it doesn’t excuse my monkey brain or my continued operation from a place of fear. As my worst fear of being a bad friend... was in fact being realised... being able to come back and confront and own everything would maybe have flipped the outcome, but fear made sure I just gave up... I’d already failed after all.

COWARD

I know I would have been given another chance, but fear reigned so I just abandoned that unusual friendship... I made the fairly legitimate excuse to myself ... that it felt good while it was happening.. but once we were not sharing the same interests any more, we would not even be in touch and it would wither away anyway. Coward.

DO IT, HOWEVER...

So if it feels good ... do it? Yes I still think so but only if you are very clear about boundaries yours as well as theirs ... you communicate clearly and make sure your voice is heard. This lessens the chance of monkey brains arcing up. You may well have enough awareness to know what your triggers are. But probably more important than any of that is I now have the knowledge to neutralise those triggers.

SAD

It’s sobering to think that if I had had this knowledge before this went south I could have avoided all the unpleasantness. If it feels good keep it, if it feels bad .... run? No I let myself down and became the bad friend. That does not feel good.

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