How to Overcome Life's Potholes

Do you ever have those moments where, out of nowhere, life shit hits you like a thundering steam train, followed by every connected carriage rolling over you whilst you’re down?

And it’s never just one thing, it always comes in threes or some other inconvenient multiple. Festering in between your immediate thoughts and at a sub-conscious level; sapping you of valuable mental and physical energy.

To make matters worse it almost always follows a period where you’d felt all was well with the world—in flow, at peace and present.

I hope I’m not the only one!

It’s… exhausting, along with a whole host of unhelpful present participles I can’t think of right now—the joys of “fog-nog” (foggy brain).

For me, there were three such events that kicked off in quick succession, following an amazing trip to Thailand with my wife and two boys.

The first of these involved my awesome mother-in-law, and no I’m not being sarcastic… she is truly an amazing person.

About a week before our adventure abroad she’d come down with a chronic case of nasal congestion, the type where it feels like someone has super-glued a container ship’s anchor to the space between your eyes. Her doctor had prescribed a course of steroids to help relieve the symptoms but, in my opinion, carelessly did so without fully considering her medical history.

You see, many years ago when I first met my mother-in-law-to-be she was not the woman I’d come to know and admire in recent years. At the time she’d been struggling with severe depression to the point where the lights were on, but nobody was home. It was a really sad and challenging time for our family and close friends. Fortunately, she found her way out of the fog to the point where her husband and kids had jokingly come up with a sliding scale for how overwhelmingly happy she appeared each day.

Well, that history of mental illness coupled with a course of steroids caused an almost instantaneous regression. On our return from Thailand we came to learn that she’d been bed-bound since we’d left two weeks earlier, hardly eaten and had disengaged from home life—the ghosts from the past had reared their unwelcome ghostly heads once again creating a wave of sadness coupled with extreme anger within the ranks. It was heart breaking to tell our boys that they couldn’t see grandma and tell her about their recent adventures abroad.

The second misfortune involved my own mum. We had only just left her and her partner in Thailand a few days earlier when she had a bad fall, which later triggered a suspected stroke. I say suspected as it has not as yet been fully investigated, as my mum—a wonderful yet stubborn woman —wanted to wait until she returned home to South Africa to have her cardiologist “check her out.” As I write this she has, just yesterday, arrived home safe and well but it was still scary to receive the news when we did.

The final calamity involved our eldest son who is seven years old and diagnosed Asperger's (or “high-functioning Autism,” as it is known these days). A few days into the new school term, following our trip abroad, we received a call from Social Services asking questions about some matters he’d mentioned to a teacher. Without going into the details, the problem for us was the matter of having to navigate Social Services processes. Past experience had shown that they were over-stretched and generally inept when dealing with a child with complex special needs. In short this was yet another mile-high hurdle to navigate at a time when my wife and I were falling to pieces.

So what to do in these situations—especially when your mind is akin to a bowl of SpagBol?

I know that when I’m in this state I need to clear my head as soon as possible otherwise I’m a nightmare to be around, as my wife and kids can attest.

Well, here are a few things that I found help clear my head and get me back on track… maybe they can work for you…

1. Start by going for a walk

Well that’s an obvious one, right? Well, it depends on where your head is at, but hopefully it’s already a default response in such scenarios and it's a great first step for triggering a reset.

I’ll be honest, if I hadn’t started by putting one foot in front of the other I don’t think I would have come up with points two, three and four below.

I’m sure many of you know the benefits of walking and exercising, but in case you didn’t, here’s a short list

…boosts the production of those sometimes cheeky happy-hormones, called endorphins, which helps relieve symptoms of stress and depression

…offers the opportunity get away from stressful environments and situations

…aligns and energises your physiological and psychological pathways

…changing environment attacks all the senses—a welcome distraction

…invigorates your mood and mental sharpness

…is all-round healthy

…better than any medicine a doctor can prescribe

You get the picture. Get your shoes on and get out there regardless of how you’re feeling.

2. Do a ‘mindfulness’ exercise (ahhh… that overused hippy-esque word)

And for the record, I don’t have anything against hippies.

So, you’re out on your walk and you find that your thoughts are still churning out non-sensical gobble-di-gook—what then?

Well it just so happened that my wife had joined me on one particular walk and, being a leadership, development, and resilience coach, she suggested a little mind exercise.

First, I had to find something I could see whilst walking—preferably something in the distance as the exercise would last a few moments—I happened to notice a couple of buzzards circling in the near distance.

My task was to focus on all aspects of the scene—the direction they were flying, the height, whether they were playing in thermals, how big they were, the colour of their feathers, whether they were making any sounds, if they were just gliding for fun or perhaps stalking ground or air-bound prey… among other things.

At first I thought…. mindfulness… being present… pah! What a load of bollocks…

But then, I found myself immersed in the experiment, totally engaged with what was going on. It was truly awesome. But did it help?

Strangely enough, it did. Although the exercise lasted only a few moments it was enough to clear out, or at least compartmentalise my spaghetti thoughts, leaving me with some space to re-focus and figure out what to do next.

Here are some other mindfulness ideas if you’re looking for inspiration:

1. Drawing, painting, colouring book, paint or colour by numbers
2. Going to the gym
3. Playing a card or board game
4. Doing crosswords, sudoku, or other games found in paperbacks and newspapers
5. Playing a game of your favourite sport
6. Playing with your pet
7. Playing with your kids
8. Mowing the lawn and gardening
9. Outdoor photography or flying drones (one of my current favourites)
10. Knitting or Crochet

The options are endless—as long as it encourages whole-mind engagement and forces you to be present then you’re good to go!

3. Write it down

I recall reading somewhere that our brains are great at conjuring up thoughts and ideas, but not that great at retaining them in any useful order… ergo, put pencil to paper.

So that’s what I did.

I started by writing down details of all the things that were bugging me, including those three issues mentioned above.

For each item I asked myself five questions:

1. Is this something within my control?
2. If so, what are the worse case scenarios?
3. What can I do to avoid these?
4. Is there anything I can do to make things better?
5. Is there anything anyone else can do to help who I can call on?

This was a simple yet powerful little exercise that helped me on a number of levels!

By downloading the SpagBol of information into a list, I could now make sense of it. It also allowed me to assess whether these were things I could control and if so how to deal with them, including worse case scenarios.

And, even if I had no control over them I still felt in control by going through this exercise.

It really helped lift the weight off my shoulders!

4. Talk to someone

I’ll be honest… I’m someone who doesn’t usually share matters of the heart with people outside my immediate atmosphere. However, thanks to my annoyingly brilliant wife I have come to appreciate the importance of seeking a listening ear from time-to-time.

If you still find yourself dwelling on shitty thoughts and feeling sapped of motivation and energy then I would definitely recommend reaching out to someone to talk to—whether that’s a family member, friend, or perhaps a counsellor or equivalent mental health professional. The latter can prove super helpful as they tend to offer objective views on matters discussed.

Quick Takeaways

So when life is throwing all of it's toys at you and your head is in a mess:

1. Start by going for a walk
2. Try mindfulness exercises to distract and re-focus
3. Write it down to put some order to your brain's chaos
4. Talk to someone

So ummm… that’s it really… just my two cents worth on how to overcome those shitty moments that inevitably crop up from time to time. Feel free to use them as a guide or seek out advice from a professional.

Chin up, all usually works itself out in the end. Here’s a big manly hug and understanding pat on the back to keep you going... and you will keep going!

Would be grateful if you could let me know your thoughts on the above and whether you have any other strategies that have helped you or others you know!