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How to make up for the lack of love in childhood?

In this world, the only person who can make our life better is ourselves.

By BaronPublished 2 years ago 6 min read
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"Lack of love in childhood" is actually a difficult concept to define, how much is lack of love, everyone's feelings are different, and "unloved" feeling, everyone in the process of growing up more or less will experience, but everyone is not the same. Some people who had extreme traumatic experiences early in life did not become psychotic as adults; Others, no less satisfied from an early age, may still adapt to difficulties as adults. This is because everyone is born with his or her own personality. Adult life is not only related to the external growth environment, but also related to a person's own internal growth ability level.

If you discuss the lack of love with a seeker in a counseling room, you will discover many differences between feelings and reality. Sometimes the counselor feels that the person in front of him or her lacks inner resources for love, but the client himself or herself feels "I have been satisfied since childhood". There are also times when the consultant can clearly feel that the person in front of him or her has a lot of abilities that can only be developed after being satisfied, but the consultant himself or herself feels "too little." The reason for these differences is that, first, everyone has different internal expectations, so their feelings towards reality will be different. On the other hand, people grow up learning to protect themselves from painful experiences in different ways, and this protection is called a defense mechanism. In the first case, the person uses a defense mechanism called denial to help him or her shut out the painful experience and make his or her life easier. So, "lack of love when I was a child" this thing, really not pure feeling can be qualitative.

On the other hand, everyone will experience more than N frustrating experiences in the process of growing up. Appropriate frustrating experiences are beneficial to the growth of the child and can help him learn the reality of getting along with the world. If the person in the growth process, by excessive protection, lack of sexual experience setback, the TA may lack the ability to adapt to reality a lot of, become "seedling in greenhouse", when the children grow up, eventually when parents don't may the comprehensive protection of TA, the late frustration may let TA doesn't even have a chance to learn to adapt to the, Because the child is no longer a child, society is less tolerant of adults' mistakes than it is of children's, and the frustration experienced by others when they are young is even more devastating. Therefore, sometimes "a little less love to the child is the greatest love for the child", of course, this "little", is relative to excessive.

In the growth of everyone, at some specific time, there will be "unloved" "lack of love" such experience. But at the same time, the power of growth within each person is very powerful, so everyone is growing up with those painful experiences. That's really the goal that we all have to develop: to allow the experience of pain to exist, to grow with it, and that's the process of personal perfection and growth.

Acknowledge that the harm happened. Acknowledge that the pain exists.

We only acknowledge their existence, we have the opportunity to meet with them to talk to them if we feel that the experience is too painful, far away from it, then we will lose to understand the need behind the pain, to better manage the pain experience, and from other channels to satisfy his love oneself. For example, when a child is beaten by a partner, if the mother holds the child and listens to the grievances and fears of the child, the child may be released in this process; But if mom because they can't deal with the pain experience, or unbearable anxiety, do not allow the child to cry, or pretend not to what happened, just keep telling children "nothing, don't cry", etc., may let the child run into difficulties, in the future is difficult to make oneself to others for help, will also feel pain and shame to himself, This makes him or her try to run away from the problem instead of trying to solve it. We also need to be able to acknowledge the hurt that has occurred to us as we grow up without love.

Try to understand the appeal behind traumatic experiences.

Think about it, if we were walking down the street and we got caught by a branch, it hurt a lot, but we didn't feel terribly like a tree, and we didn't feel badly hurt by the tree. But what if the branches were replaced by someone very important to us? We may feel badly hurt because we have a lot of expectations for the significant other in our hearts. When we feel hurt, we also have a lot of fear of losing the love of the significant other. So when we experience being unloved, when we experience being hurt, we need to try to understand what the expectations are behind those experiences. Often when we know what's expected of us, we find more ways to satisfy ourselves than to stay stuck in a world of expectations.

Let go of unrealistic expectations and take responsibility.

It's not easy. In consulting rooms, we often hear "If they hadn't hurt me then..." Yes, it is much easier to blame our parents than to take responsibility for our own growth. When we put all the mistakes and responsibilities on others, at least we don't have to face our own needs for improvement, so that we can feel that "the problems are all others' and I am good". But what is the result? No matter how much we hate the person who hurt us, the hurt cannot be erased, but we will be trapped in the hurt feelings and feel more painful. So, it is not realistic to expect once damage did not occur, constantly complain that their parents had damage and makes little sense, can help us live better, is cut off once the damage, from now on, let oneself have some change, help her to leave those hurtful experience, at least, don't let those feelings have control over our own lives. And the only way we can do that is by taking responsibility for the rest of our lives, by focusing not on past hurts but on what I can do for my own betterment. The only thing in the world that can make our lives better is ourselves.

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Baron

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