How Not to Get Hit in the Head

“How Not to Get Hit in the Head”

By Matthew Gordon

“Practice. Practice makes better. Keep your knees bent, if you fall with your knees bent you roll, if you fall with your knees locked you’re a redwood. Timber! That’s skateboarding 101.”

“Mr. Gordon, how do you ollie?”

“Alfie, were you listening?... Practice of course.”

“Wow, thanks…”

“Ok ok, you snap the tail down and drag your front foot up the board in a jumping motion. Like this” I throw down my board a pop a 3 foot high ollie.

“That didn’t help.”

“No, you need to practice. Go try 50 in the grass then show me.”

Pan out to show: Mount Pleasant Skatepark Vancouver BC, Canada.

Inside a downtown Vancouver comedy club. The place smells of stale beer, the kind of place where the lines from the kegs haven’t been cleaned for a year longer than they should have. People are mostly here to drink. Me on the stage:

“I’m a sponsored skateboarder, I get all my clothes for free, it basically means I’m a well dressed bum. I’m a teacher, it basically means I’m an educated bum and I’m a comedian, which means I’m a bum that you don’t have to feel bad about laughing at…”

At the red pleather bar…

“You were pretty good up there.”

“Thanks.” I mutter, damn I’ve got game… She’s a spunky little brunette. She looks like she’s got a squirrel tail coming out of each side of her head. I liked her immediately.

“You gonna get rich doing this?”

“I’m gonna get Queen Elizabeth rich!” A line from my stand up set.

“Haha!” She laughed, proving she didn’t listen to my whole set, I had just said that on stage. I’m not offended… I’m not!

“What do you do during the day light hours?” She asked.

“How do you know I need a day job? Maybe I’ve already made it?”

“I never asked if you have a day job. Offended waiting to happen much?

“Haha, you for sure grew up in the 90’s.” Also if you had listened to my set you’d know I’m a teacher!... Not offended though.

“What’s wrong with growing up in the 90’s? He is a pompous ass.”

“What?”

“Sometimes I say what I’m thinking.”

“I’m out of sorts, I didn’t expect to meet any interesting new people tonight.

“Interesting, is that a compliment?”

“Maybe, lets pop outside and get some fresh air.”

“…Ok”

Outside it’s wet on the ground but it’s not dark, it’s only 7:30. We hear and loud growling sound. I know what it is right away. Polyurethane on asphalt. A skateboarder coming down the hill at high speed. He’s outta control and there’s a red light he’s about to blow through!

“What’s up Mr.G!?” He yells. Throwing up a hang loose sign or a “shaka” if you prefer.

“Heyah…” I say, “Red light!” Alfie bends low and grabs his board in an indy grab position. He hits a rock and goes flying, he rolls down the road and stops just before the red light. He gets up and yells, “Mr.G taught me everything I know!” I couldn’t be more proud.

“What did you teach him?” She asked.

“Practice makes better. That’s how not to get hit in the head.”

“You seem like you’ve hit your head a bunch.” She said.

“I don’t think I have, but maybe I’ve just got memory loss from all the concussions…”

“I believe it.” She said snidely

“Ignorance is bliss… surveys prove the less you know the happier you are.” I got her there…

“Surveys don’t pole the general population. They surveil the type of people who fill out surveys… Write that in your little black book.”