"Hiraeth"

"Hiraeth" - Longing, yearning, wanting a home that does not exist.

I know a lot of us who are constant travelers may hold this word close to heart. We know what it's like to experience a magnificent place, but want to leave in search for the next spot too soon. I like to think our souls are dragging our vessels for their own agenda from that reason alone. It was always the pull I felt from my inner-self, telling me, "It's time," every single time I made a decision with a better outcome. Along the way I finally understood the meaning of, "Home is what you make it," and I developed a new sense of independence that went way beyond just moving out of my parents house. I like to think this journey of Hiraeth is better achieved alone, for so many reasons.

In order to feel connected to one's self, you have to understand yourself: the way you react, why you react harsher to some circumstances over others, the way you walk and carry yourself, and above all, the way you think and perceive the world around you. You can't have the space to be a free-thinker if you're surrounded by people who don't understand the process, or who are just simply behind you in yours. Everyone tells us we won't survive if we are not always bonded and connected to someone else beyond friendship. I'm gonna say that's bullshit. Being alone doesn't have to be sad. Humans need community, not isolation or forced companionship. Everyone can achieve community while being independent.

A big part of my independence came from being able to travel alone and be alone. I grew up knowing never to rely on others because my parent's screamed this as a guided philosophy so much, they exercised this philosophy even when I needed their support the most. It created the foundation I needed to begin my own self-sustainment. I started this journey by driving everywhere. I have traveled to Chicago, Oregon, Washington, and back and forth to Georgia one too many times. Florida is so beautiful and if you get the chance to eat fresh coconut with Jamaicans, I highly recommend it.

That drive in me was put on pause when I said yes to my ex-fiancé, which was a mistake I didn't recognize at the time. For almost a year, I filled a role in someone else's life at the expense of my own. And looking back, I see now I got tired of trying. We got together in my time of crisis and when my last attempt failed to continue on with this lifestyle, I came back with my tail down and wanting to settle. The rough patch I went through after this, made me want to hold onto any slice of comfort I could get in an uncomfortable situation. However, and I thank my soul everyday for making me do it, I came across a cruise ship ad and I applied for the first position I saw, and I got it. I had accomplished the interview for a fine-dining steward position.

While patiently waiting for my start date, we arrived in Douglasville, Georgia. Along the way to this new life I thought I wanted with him, I realized I was more excited about going away. I wanted to get away from the complacent way I was living. (Sorry Chad. I tried.)

Once back out into the world, I was doing better than when I first started. I was eating fresh crab off the docks, listening to 80 year old stories all while working and learning to cope in a high stress environment. I broke down, and we did literally, but it was all worth it. And most of all, it made me realize what I wanted and I broke up with my fiancé not even half way through my contract. I explored every opportunity that followed. I no longer needed to worry if he would approve, or if I stayed an extra week somewhere if that would have triggered him. I made a few long-lasting relationships that I would not trade in for the world, and it opened the door to me exploring Boston on 4th of July and being able to backpack overseas to Italy- where I learned vegan wine tastes better than anything I've had.

I didn't want anyone telling me where I could and couldn't go anymore. I learned my lesson and I experienced many great adventures I wouldn't have otherwise had. As I sat there, that Irish guy staring back at me, I felt extremely fortunate. Reeling every waking moment in my spare time, I felt like I finally knew what happiness was. And without the material Ferraris, fancy hotels, or even a loving family and friends to get me there. I learned on my own that exploring hidden caves, walking down local ally's, and spending my money on eating new things, was the life I wanted.

I created the community I wanted by being bold enough to create my journey. And to be okay with not being dependent on another. I started to love myself. I was my own cheerleader when I needed her the most and I am for-ever grateful that I trusted her enough. Your gut is always trying to tell you what's right, and we need to start listening more. Not for anyone else but for ourselves because girl, you only have yourself to rely on when everyone else decides differently.

Because of this Hiraeth, I have traveled to many wonderful places, and I have learned a lot about myself along the way. I will stop now.