Grow in Confidence

When I think of what confidence looks like, my mind first goes to the pretty, skinny, mean girl protagonist of an early 2000 chick flick movie. Usually surrounded by at least two other stunningly attractive friends, these beautiful bullies seem to get away with whatever they want. Arriving at school in their squeaky clean convertibles with no hair on their head out of place as if they're immune to the effects of wind. They strut through the halls with their heads held high, and a permanent smirk planted on their faces as the other 99% of the school population freeze to stare with jaws dropped, and eyes open wide.

Many of us, particularly women, grow up watching shows, movies, and social media examples of these "it girls" who seem to have everything they could ever want. We compare ourselves to these fictional figures as young girls and bash ourselves throughout our childhood, adolescent years, and even sometimes as adults for not measuring up. We are bounced around like a yo-yo by ever-changing beauty trends, from being stick skinny to being curvy with big thighs and a slender waist. We continue following a standard designed to have us acting like a dog on a leash. Mindlessly following our social media owner, to only ever catch up for a moment until the next trend comes along, and then we're back running.

It's no wonder we find it hard to find our confidence. Our perception is all messed up.

I'm the most confident I've ever been. I don't say that in a cocky, look at me, sort of way; it's actually the opposite. It's not because I meet the latest beauty trend quota or because I have buckets of money, or because I'm super popular. In fact, I have none of those things. I have; three pimples on my chin that I wish would go away and a confused brain trying to figure out where I want to go in life.

The truth is, even the pretty, skinny, mean girl protagonist in the early 2000 chick flick movie has insecurities, and so do I, just like everyone else. I've made peace with the fact that I will probably have them for the rest of my life. The difference now is that I no longer let those insecurities dictate my life. Instead, I've learned to embrace them and welcome the differences as the beautiful parts that make me who I am. I've learned that nothing I have or do will define me. I've had to reach deep within myself and find who I am when no one is watching. I've had to forgive myself for bashing my body and mind through my eating disorder, having negative thoughts towards myself, and continuing to make mistakes. It has been challenging and is still something I struggle with every day, but every step that I take to become my most authentic self grows my confidence. It's been an incredibly liberating process, learning to be kind to myself. It didn't take a day, not even a couple of weeks. It's a process that is on-going and ever-evolving.

Every day I wake up, look myself in the mirror, and meet myself where I am. I try to live each day as if it were my last and live as genuinely myself as I can, reminding myself to take one day at a time and treat myself with a soft heart.