I have found trying to do everything all at once is a good way to drown. I took a step back this week and asked for a few days to do nothing. I laid my head down on my pillow and slept. I slept for the most part of three days. I found that it did not really help. The exhaustion that I feel goes so much deeper than the physical. My very soul is tired. I look around our crazy world and realize I am not alone, and yet, I am so very alone. The drowning is beyond what I can describe, beyond my own comprehension.
The drowning happens in the darkness, most of all. I think the downside to escaping hell amid the pandemic is there is so little open, it is almost as if I escaped one cell to enter another. I know that the world will not always be this crazy. I know that eventually a new normal will be established, hopefully soon. Yet, in the interim, everything is in turmoil inside and outside of myself. I went from staring at one set of walls to staring at another.
I also found myself grieving this week. Grieving all of what could have been. The loves I lost because I was so caught up in the religious experience, the family relationships that I will never get back. Even the children I will now never have. There is so much that looking at I will now never have. Some I will fight for, and it may even come back. I know the deaths, births, marriages that happened while I was in are not things I can go back to, I must grieve again for the lost moments of life.
The drowning happens. Things others take advantage of are things I am just now learning. Yet, there is hope in the small things. It was suggested I start a movie list. It is a list of the movies and shows I have missed because they were deemed to inappropriate for my station in life. I started reading books that sound interesting, just because I can. I go to the grocery and for walks. Yet, its all so overwhelming. There is so much I do not understand. So much that I have never experienced and its hard to direct my own morality outside of the harsh code I know and understand, but to which I can no longer adhere.
It is the little moments that I am experiencing that keep me from drowning inside of my own head. I am working on having Pollyanna moments so that the future will be more pleasant. That above all despite all the hell that I have walked through I may be able to spread joy to those who are around me. Maybe one day I will be able to help others who have become trapped in the same type of hell. The one big oversight I have found is that even in our modern age is that there are very few resources if you are a single person who is just trying to start over. The focus is always on the family. Everyone else is placed by the wayside. It is a good goal to have. It is one that will take resources and friends. It will take a lot more healing on my part.
Drowning is not an instantaneous thing, but neither is thriving. It is hard when you are given a time limit for either. There is only so long another’s hospitality will hold out. There is only so long that you can freeload, even if it is not so much freeloading as it is hanging on my edges of your fingertips.