Dear Younger Me

Dear younger me,

You are a woman full of ambition. The desire to get ahead, and be famous - is being challenged by your wild side. Everybody working those boring repetitive jobs feels unfulfilled. They smile and work onward in their quest for a promotion. To afraid to risk their source of income to show their discontent.

But when you get home the pointlessness of the job seeps out. The workday smile sifts into a mood of reality. You can't just go home and walk through the motions. Be patient with yourself remember these workplace dreams have never been your dreams. Keep focused on the things in life that you truly love,

Well, me the older you- has not as yet, become famous , has never bought a summer home and did not have the child you always wanted. But in my later years I am finally feeling peace, The wild side has mellowed. The need to be the strongest women in the room has died. You will smile when you are in an environment were you feel safe to show your vulnerability . It takes a different sort of strength. A strength you have. Even as you keep your guard up, just enough to defend your own back. The ability to share your inner you with others. And yes I still get mad when people I trust throw me under the bus, but I have learned to let my shields down ,enough to relax and enjoy the situation.

Although most of the dreams you have now, have not as yet come true , some of those dreams turned out to be more unpractical than you believe them to be now. I still workout but I no longer take voice lessons, or even dream about singing. The guitar sits unused in the closet. I am not as sad or angry anymore. I no longer need to sing and dance, to release my inner stress. I know singing and dancing are your life source now. When you get older you will begin lifting weights to help you fight your inner war. The fears will pass although there are hard times ahead. But just remember that while your concern for others, guides your way , the day will come when you will focus on yourself and guide your own path.

The husband you never wanted, never arrived. At least something goes as you have planned. And as yet I have not found the man you wanted to spend your retirement with.

I know it is taking every bit of strength you have to make it through. But hold on, stay on the trail. All the confusion will not last. You will still have turmoil but like I said the anger will dissipate.

Your life turns out to be far different than you had planned, but you as a elder will feel the freedom that you have been fighting for along the way. And some of the other dreams you had when you were younger, you are now working towards. Only God knows if you will ever be a published author. I am pretty sure your photos will not make it to National Geographic, but they might be viewed by others elsewhere . Your paintings will hang in your sister's house and in your apartment. Who knows maybe we will become famous like Van Gogh, after we die.

But 62 is definitely not the end of dreams for you, hopefully it will be the beginning. As I sit and watch movies about singers who made it , but struggled emotionally, I do not feel regret not becoming a singer, Maybe God has other plans that has not yet unfolded.

Now financially you have the freedom to explore your creative side. Like you did as a child when ma paid all your expenses. I know now you feel like you need to be the provider of all your needs. No handouts , no charity. I still struggle with this dilemma. Should I, or shouldn't I apply for food stamps. It is a question of personal pride. Don't fret over this . You are now responsible for yourself financially, but it is retirement. A time to busy yourself in your dreams.

I wish I could save you from traveling down the dead end paths, you so bravely forge. But you have a inner strength. I don't even try to know the why of life. Everyone is on earth for a purpose. Hopefully ours will become apparent in our later life.

PS. Dear younger me, keep pursuing your loves because you enjoy doing them The inner joy of experiencing it, is more important than external recognition.

Dream, pursue, hold on

Sincerely, your senior you