Being Queer and Living With a Disability

For many people, being LGBTQ+ can still be challenging, as many countries criminalize queerness. It is also hard to live in a world where sometimes we feel that everything is set up straight, which can damage the mental health of many queer people. Research has shown that LGBTQ+ folks are more susceptible to mental health problems than heterosexual people due to a range of factors, including discrimination and inequalities.

I have struggled with depression since I was a teenager. At that time, I had no idea that I was suffering from depression. I just thought that it was reasonable to have a sudden desire to skip school for days. I thought that the fact that I would cry without any reason would be normal because I was sensitive. I thought that the fact that I was insomniac for three days in a row was the result of having a brain that overthinks every detail about life and every gesture people would do to me. I didn’t know that during those moments, a monster was growing inside me, a beast that I have never noticed before, and by the time I found it, it was already strong and difficult to fight.

When I moved to Canada two years ago, my symptoms started getting worse, and I remember during a rainy day in December, I had my first panic attack where I couldn’t go and write my exams. It was the first time that depression got enough strength to prevent me from engaging in one of the most important things in my life, which was my education.

On that same day, I was urgently admitted to the psychiatric service at my university because I was at the edge of breaking down and needed help.

My doctor officially diagnosed me with severe major depression, along with other mental disorders. He prescribed me medication, which was something I never expected to take in my life. He also suggested that I register for the office of students with disabilities at my school to help me overcome future barriers. I was shocked when he asked me that because, for me, I could never imagine that having depression was considered as a mental disability.

Many people don’t know that the main reason behind my depression was the years I spent hating myself due to my sexual orientation. The years I spent wishing I would have been straight. I didn’t know that I was damaging my soul at that time. Pretending to be straight in front of my family and friends was the worst thing I have ever done. The fear of being discovered as gay by other people at school or home was terrifying. It created in me what we call minority stress, which is a type of stress that mainly presents itself in situations where someone is trying to continually hide by changing the way they behave, the way they talk, and anything that could let people know about their sexual orientation or gender identity.

Besides, struggling with my faith was torturing me every day, I could never get to the point to understand that my faith was never against me, that God never hated me, and that religion can’t speak because it is people who do. Those who follow God persecute queer people in God’s name, which is the worse form of bigotry.

Being a queer led me to experience different forms of discrimination, and this was since I was at primary school. I remember I wasn’t included in sports teams by my classmates simply because they thought I was too effeminate, I found myself in other situations where I was seen as less masculine, less secure than other guys and the list goes on.

Being queer in the MENA region was, though, because many people use their cultural beliefs and religion as permission to harm queer people, and I was one of those victims who were every day slowly emotionally destroyed, for something I never chose.

I also experienced discrimination due to my disability. I remember once I was supposed to work on a school project with two of my friends, and without notice, they had finished all the work by themselves. All they could tell me was that I have depression and wanted me to rest, and that was one of the harshest things ever because such behaviors were killing my motivation and a sense of purpose. Whenever I go on a date, I feel a bit nervous to talk about my depression, as I fear that it would scare people, so I was also concerned about my love life.

Being queer and a person with a disability is never easy. Many would face discrimination for one or both reasons, but trust me, many people who identify as both queer and people of disability have one of the best lives ever. Being straight, or someone without any mental or physical complications, will not grant you wonderful love life, and it will not necessarily grant you happiness, and this was something it took me so long to understand.

After almost two years of being identified as a person with a disability and after a year of accepting my sexual orientation, I am proud to say that I am finally able to admit to myself first and to other people that I live with a disability. I didn’t choose this, and I am doing my best to have a healthy life like everyone else.

Having a disability made me realize how proud I should be because I achieved a lot in my education despite all those barriers in my life. I decided to see the positive things about having a disability, and I know it is not something easy, but I needed to do so to be able to move on with my life.

Being gay can sometimes be challenging, but today I see that accepting my sexual orientation was one of the best things that happened to me in my life, and I wouldn’t want to have it another way.

Yes, I am queer and a person with a disability, and I am proud of who I am.