Adulting!

Last weekend, I visited my 28-year-old sister and her roommate. I ran to her apartment in panic after some events that felt too ~adult~ for me happened that day (stuff that involved things like credit checks, legal contracts and terror). The feeling of being a "big kid" was so stressful to me, I ran into the arms of someone who had told me multiple times that she'd always see me as a nine-year-old (which used to be super offensive and now sounds convenient as hell.) I wanted that comfort, that feeling of low expectations and lack of impending doom.

For the most part, I had the exact experience I was hoping for. I felt calm, safe and content. I was 100 percent avoiding my problems, but still. It worked.

As I complained to my sister about what was going on in my life, I noted: "I don't feel like I'm an adult yet. People ask things of me that I was never taught how to answer. I'm just ready for this feeling to go away."

And my sister's roommate responded with probably the most terrifying sentence I've ever heard: "That feeling never leaves. That's being an adult."

The really shitty thing about growing up is that people make it seem like there's a light at the end of the tunnel. That one day, you wake up and you're an Adult who knows how to do Things. But I'm only nineteen, and I'm already getting sneak peaks to the cold hard truth. The uncertainty never ends. There's no expiration date to being scared and confused and completely unprepared for the future (which I am sure some people are prepared, good for them, even though I kind of hate them too). Being an Adult is carefully curating an image that leads people around you to believe that you're somewhat "stable."

Is that a good thing? Should we pretend like we know what we're supposed to do as human beings even if half the time we feel powerless?

Maybe for kids around the adults, it's good. But people take it farther than sheltering children—we even believe other adults want us to be perfect too. We believe that somehow they know what they're doing. BUT NO ONE KNOWS ANYTHING (for the most part). And god dammit, let's be honest about it! Everyone screws up everyday, I'm sure (right? right???). I'm sick of feeling alone when I don't know what I'm doing. So today, I'm making an effort to make it known:

I'm clueless as hell.

I'm constantly scared of what it means to grow up.

I'm pretty sure I could go to jail because I'm behind on taxes. (???)

I drank three things of soda today in the span of two hours.

I can't be the only person who's growing up and completely lost, right?

Why can't we just be honest with each other? Becoming an adult is not a conscious decision anyone makes. It shouldn't be shameful when we're not ready for it, when we're not immediate masters. So let's be honest because we're adults, like it or not. And the scary (but kind of exciting) thing about being an adult is that no one does it right.