Four Mistakes I’ve Made as a Man During My Partner’s Pregnancy

Fatherhood has certainly been an experience I’ve learned a lot from. I’ve grown during this experience, learning and doing my best to make changes to improve myself, which has directly impacted what I have been able to give as a man, let alone as a partner and father. I’m not there yet but I’m definitely way further along than I was before I ever knew that I was having a child.

As a man, the simple fact is that regardless of however I felt during the pregnancy journey, it paled in comparison to my partner who went through so much in terms of her health (physically and mentally) and the general ups and downs that she has had through all those months of pregnancy. I really do feel that not many people talk in detail about the specific types of health issues that women can go through pregnancy-wise, with many of the issues my partner experienced being ones that we honestly never saw coming. From haemorrhoids to stomach issues to cysts and everything in between.

I’m unsure if people just don’t want to be vulnerable enough to share all the details of their pregnancy, but it’s something that I hope can be talked about more visibly in the future. Especially amongst black women who experience many different types of problems to other demographics from pregnancy to during actual labour.

I did a lot to support my partner throughout her journey. However, I acknowledge that there are many things that I could have definitely been much better with. I can’t talk like I’ve done everything the right way as much of what I picked up, I was only able to implement during the later months of the pregnancy, but I can account for the fact that I wasn’t too much of a support system in the early stages.

The way life has worked, however, is the fact that what I have learned along the way has at least given me the idea to write this post here, which is a testimony to itself.

If this post helps any future fathers (or mothers) down the line then that will be great to know because I don’t want anyone to go through any of the below issues with their partners. When we go through certain things in life, it’s unfortunate that some don’t make an effort to pass on the information they’ve learned to other people so that they may benefit. I want people to read this post and take what I’ve learned into their own lives so they can have a smoother and more positive pregnancy journey.

Below are four mistakes that I’ve made during my partner’s pregnancy.

Not Being Present Enough

Being present is vital during your partner’s pregnancy. But know that you can be present in the physical form, yet not in the mind and this is something that will be an issue with your partner if you are not aware of it. Being engaged in the mind means being aware of your surroundings and being engaged in the moment as well, which I’m aware might be hard to do when you have so many thoughts going through your mind during the pregnancy journey regardless of whether your pregnancy is planned or unplanned.

Thoughts like: am I really ready to be a parent, is this really happening to me, is my current situation good enough for me to be a parent in, what kind of parent am I even going to be? etc………

I’m telling you now, yes, pregnancy is a nine-ish month journey which seems like quite a long time but it does go fast. Trust me. This is why I say that you absolutely need to make the effort now to be as present as possible in your partner’s experience. Show urgency. Show attention. Show you care about her health and well-being. Show that you care about the unborn child that you are bringing into this world.

I made the mistake of not showing as much attention as I should have in the early parts of my partner’s pregnancy. Saying I was there for her, yet wasn’t making too much effort to even feel the baby bump or talk to the it (I didn’t know that babies connect to the touches and voices of whoever interacts with them while they are in utero during pregnancy). Saying in words that I was there for her yet wasn’t making the effort to be up with her and supporting her as much as possible while she was going through her pains. Saying I was there for her yet still not stepping up to lighten the load for her as she was unable to do some of the things that she did before. Saying I was there for her yet wasn’t trying to gain information about looking after babies or the best baby equipment.

Even trying to reassure my partner as much as possible with words and actions to show her that I appreciated her during a stressful pregnancy was something I could have done much more of.

It’s sad how easily women can be made to feel alone during their pregnancy due to a lack of engagement by their men. I read endless posts on Mum forums by ladies saying that they are feeling like they are doing everything themselves in preparing and looking after their baby.

Consciously I knew that under no circumstances did I want that to be my lady and thus more effort was needed from me to make her feel more comfortable in me as a partner and that we were in the pregnancy as a team, not just with her on her own.

As a man, I learned that supporting my partner is more than simply a financial obligation or duty. It’s not just saying I’ve been looking at baby things yet not even having anything tangible to share with my partner. I needed to be someone of action rather than talk, as my actions ultimately showed whether I cared about my child or not, and if I didn’t make too much of an effort to even engage during the pregnancy then how could I have expected the baby to connect to me when he arrived?

Fatherhood does not start when the baby is here, it starts during the pregnancy and is a culmination of how active and present you are during the actual pregnancy.

Yes, I work as anyone else does but that doesn’t give me an excuse to not be engaged and active in my partner’s pregnancy, as this is a cycle that many older parents had and as a result, many of us felt neglected growing up. I definitely would not want to continue the same patterns and as a result, realized I needed to switch my brain on and be more active in the actual pregnancy. It’s not just my partner carrying the whole burden of pregnancy, it’s up to me to share in it as much as I can also.

Focusing On Finances Too Much

It’s a tempting thing as a man to focus your energy on the financial aspects of life during pregnancy, as we can’t control many things when it comes to the actual period of pregnancy but our finances are something that we can more actively control. No matter how your finances are looking before you know that you are having a baby, a lot of your thoughts after you know that a baby is coming will be focused on how you are going to pay for …everything that comes with having a child.

As soon as I found out that I and my partner were having a child, my mind instantly turned to finances and all the costs involved with having a child. I was thinking about my work situation and how this would be impacted by having a child.

I’d be lying if I said that the thought of finances didn’t consume every thought I had for the first few months of the pregnancy (and even now that the baby is here). All in all, I do think that it contributed to part of my lack of engagement with my partner’s pregnancy in the early stages as all I was thinking about was how I was going to increase my finances to be able to cope with the load of everything to come with having a child.

One of the things that I want people to take away from reading this is that in my eyes, the right situation to have a child rarely ever exists. You might want to have your finances in order before having a child and you might get your finances in great order but then there might be another issue that you need to overcome relating to having a child. There’s always going to be something and as a result, you can’t shut everything down because of that issue. Life doesn’t work like that.

Of course, my finances are important, but so is my partner’s health, and so is connecting to my unborn child. Ultimately doing my best to flow with life and show contentment with our situation has given me and my partner everything we have needed.

In the period of pregnancy, the decision to go with the flow of life had me leaving my previous job and getting a much better paying role with benefits which helped my mental health, happiness, and availability, and as a result, have allowed me to give more to my partner. But I guarantee that might not have ever happened if I didn’t decide to focus on my partner, stop worrying about my situation, let go and let God work in my life.

Not Doing Research Early Enough

I really recommend to all the men reading this and who are thinking about having children down the line, to start doing your research as soon as you find out your partner is having a baby. I make an effort now to try to give some of my male friends the game now when it comes to pregnancy so that when it is their time, they have more of an idea of what to do. Your pregnant partner really shouldn’t be the one coming to you with all the information surrounding babies and making the most of the pregnancy, while you don’t know too much about it and are only just left feeling guilty that you didn’t start doing research earlier.

Your partner will love it when you show that you are knowledgeable about baby and pregnancy related things, equally so when they are coming to you with issues that they are having, e.g. body pains, and you can tell her things that might help her from research that you’ve done. Whether it does help, the fact that you made the effort goes a long way in showing that you are active and engaged.

Naturally, it makes you feel good when you have information that your partner might not know and that would be useful for the baby when they arrive. I felt so much more empowered when I went out and started watching videos of mothers that had newborns and were talking about the best newborn baby equipment to get and a day in the life of looking after a newborn. The information I gathered was so valuable and the effort that I put in to learn the information definitely equipped me better when the baby arrived as I knew more of what to do in certain situations such as feeding and swaddling the baby.

I even learned simple information like how after birth, a baby sees only in black and white, with shades of grey and thus, I realized that getting a black-and-white baby book is a great purchase for bonding with the baby and for helping them with their development.

Even just watching videos of people that had babies or men that were talking about their pregnancy journey made me grow in knowledge and understanding of how to be a supportive partner to my pregnant partner and a better father in general. The more information you look to take in from people in similar situations than you, the better, and there is no substitute for that.

Internalizing Other People’s Pregnancy / Parenthood Stories

Naturally, when I heard that I was going to be a father I wanted to hear some stories of people that were fathers and had children. I asked about everything surrounding their own pregnancy-related stories and some mentioned issues that they had during their partner’s labour and issues after the baby came — both positive and negative. The fact that a few people mentioned similar issues had me imagining that there was a possibility that I may experience similar experiences to them when it came to our baby. I didn’t understand that there is not one quintessential experience when it comes to these kinds of things.

Ultimately, the more I discussed these experiences with my partner, the more that I realized that essentially whatever other people’s experiences were, didn’t mean that I would go through anything even remotely similar to theirs.

Everyone’s story is different and where it’s important to take in information, take in stories and hear other people’s experiences, it’s also important to not internalize any of these experiences as my own and rather take the information at face value and to embrace my own journey and whatever unique things come my way when it comes to our parenthood journey.

There will be things that we have gone through on our journey that no one might have gone through and there may be things we have experienced in parenthood that some other parents might not ever be able to relate to. My experience is not the same as anyone else’s experience. I can only use other people’s stories as information and knowledge.

Even with you reading this post, it’s merely me reflecting on my own experiences so you have more of an idea of what not to do. Your own pregnancy journey may be much different from mine as you may have other challenges to overcome. You may instinctively know what you need to do for your partner. Either way, please consider the points above as guidelines and references for you to take into your lives, and hopefully, your own pregnancy journey will be a blessed and positive experience all around.