Footprints Through Time

Look back in time. Can you see the effect of having your father in your life? When you think about today, do you see the footsteps you're following?

"Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad."

-Anne Geddes

Looking back in time, Dad passed away in 2010. My father lives in New Hampshire, and one of my father figures, my grandfather, died in 2003. There's a part of me that came from them all, thanks to following their example.

No man is perfect, and fathers tend not to win Father of the Year when they deserve the award. Including in my case, that award comes from a child or children, but much later. When that award comes, it is a trophy, a banner, or a ribbon.

Father of the Year comes to a dad when the child recognizes that no matter how imperfect or the mistakes that their father made, where they are is in part because of you. To see the impression you made on your children and seeing them recognize its value is your reward as a father.

"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years."

-Mark Twain

Who among us, but especially the men, hasn't been there and experienced that stunning revelation? As some have more than one person acting as a father figure in their lives, look at the impression that person left that you see in yourself today.

Wisdom and Character

Everything I am today is because of the impressions left on my life by others and how I chose to use the wisdom and practices they imparted to me. Two people are responsible for that. The first one is my grandfather.

My grandfather was there, while the person that helped create me wasn't. In the realm of good men, he stood head and shoulders above the pack. As different as the times we grew up in were, he taught me many things that I see today.

Young boys, as much as single mothers try, still need a strong father figure to lead them to a point they stand a chance at becoming good men. Taking nothing away from mothers, the lack of a strong and consistent male role model can lead to wayward ideas as a young man.

Many of these ideas come from doing "masculine" or manly things. There's a benefit to spending time with the older, wiser male figures in our lives. While we will still make mistakes, as was my circumstance, it's the time with a role model or father figure that will help to develop character.

My grandfather took me fishing every spring, summer, and fall. We tried ice fishing, but seeing Grandpa put his leg through the ice scared me off the ice. Grandpa was an outdoors type that hunted, fished, and grew his food. Knowing these things today might be handy; you never know anymore.

When we were together, he would talk to me about life, and I could tell him what I had on my mind. We would be on that old fishing boat for hours. Yeah, he knew everything there was to know, and we disagreed. There was little that he wasn't right about. That was something I'd learn even years after he was gone.

When I was only 19, I was facing fatherhood. After being a disappointment, during my teenage years, I didn't want to disappoint him again, so the discussion I had with him about impending parenthood was the scariest of my life.

"You're not getting married."

-My Grandfather

It was shocking to hear those words. I expected things to go a lot worse that day. When we talked, my old school Grandfather told me there is no reason in the 1990s to rush into marriage just because of a pregnancy. He insisted that we wait until it was what we wanted and until we were ready for marriage.

At my mom's funeral, very close to my grandparent's headstone, in a moment of silently communing with the memories and spirits of my grandparents, dates began to matter. My Grandpa, in the very early 1950s, had found himself in the same position I had at 19. I now knew where his wisdom came from if I had any doubt before. He had lived, made mistakes, and learned how to navigate those mistakes.

Any character I have inside me, much of that comes from my grandfather. I may never be him, but he gave me something to shoot for by being there in my life.

Heart and Forgiveness

When I was 10, I met the person I'm referring to when I say the word dad. Dad was never perfect, in fact, far from it and that was fine. However, perfection isn't what you call doing the right thing. Dad was someone with a heart and good character. He was also one of the most forgiving men I've ever met. He forgave my sins, and there were enough of them that the Vatican should have put him on the payroll.

Dad and I bonded over pro wrestling and went to Wrestlemania 2. It was the Chicago edition, as that was when Wrestlemania was broadcast from three locations.

He was always there for me, came to band competitions, drove us kids to the movies, and took me to my first Drive-In movie. Dad was a softer man than my grandfather, which provided a balance between the two.

One thing my Dad taught me about fatherhood and life was that you never give up on those you love. You don't give up even after they've done things that any reasonable person would consider giving up on them over.

It was an invaluable trait, as I have learned that things tend to repeat.

My Dad died when my son was near graduation. Not long after, my years as a single parent wouldn't end with my son going off to college. No, they wouldn't end at all. My son was about to jump a track that would put me through hell for years.

My Dad's lessons gave me strength. Even on my worst days as a parent, when a wayward son tested my sanity, remembering the value of forgiveness and persistence got us through, and my son is now on an engineering team, engaged and happy.

My Father's Lessons

My father taught me only one lesson. I never intended to follow in his footsteps because he wasn't there.

I forgave him in my 20s because his issues stemmed from the war in Vietnam. When I learned the story of his issues I could see how those experiences could mess someone up.

Conclusions

A person's character should be measured by what we do in the given moments to be better than we were. Life, as all of the father figures in my life have shown, is imperfect and often throws a wrench into the best-laid plans. If we're fortunate enough, we have had someone along the way to give us the basics and help us formulate the kind of character that helps us do better than not.

That is the one thing that all of my father figures, whether they were there from the start, came along part way into my life, or reconnected in my thirties agreed upon.

The biggest job of our lives as fathers, or as father figures, is to help make sure that the next generation coming up has a chance to outperform the last. The only way that happens is by helping them along the way, the way someone did for us. As I spend time with my soon-to-be grandson (my son's fiance's little one), hitting the movies, going fishing, and showing him the great outdoors, those that helped me are mostly gone.

Now, I'm a father figure, and I take those lessons forward and help the generation behind me make sure that their young ones have the same influence my grandfather and my Dad gave me. It's what I can do because of the footsteps I got to follow.