Dear Dad

The void you left was something I felt from an early age. To cope, I would find solace in my mom's closet, pouring over old family photos of you and me. As I grew older, the photo albums thickened, but the images of you remained the same, a poignant reminder of your lengthening absence. This lack of change served as a bittersweet memory that haunts me to this day.

This dysfunctional element of my broken upbringing sans father figure had a ripple effect, influencing my relationships as an adult. I found myself gravitating towards older men, I did not seek you out in my boyfriends on purpose. I actually found the repeating pattern a bit sick at its core. Though that did not magically grant me the power to move past my desire to have that masculine, fatherly influence to balance out my dysfunction.

These moments of imbalance often took me back to those quiet nights in my mom's closet, where I would imagine the joy we shared, playing in the tree captured in one of the photos. I was about two years old then, marking the last time the family dynamic was intact before my father's absence became a permanent part of my life.

As I navigated through the laborious trials of adolescence, the empty seat at my side constantly reminded me of what I lacked. However, it also became a symbol of resilience and adaptability. I learned to fill the void with self-reliance, developing a strong sense of independence at an early age. This independence has been a guiding force in carving out my path through the loneliest of times.

The loneliest of times was almost enough to break me, or worse, my spirit. After my mom left this world, I started to feel even more alone than I ever thought I could. My mind would drift back to those nights in my mom's closet. Those pictures are all I ever had to remember you. I always wondered where you were, what you were doing, and who you were with.

I never once wondered if you had your own pictures that you would look at and remember the last good times you had with your daughter. I never thought about what you might feel about the absence of me.

The rise of the digital age gave me more access than I could bare. As soon as Facebook became mainstream I searched for your profile often until one day. There you were. I saw dozens and dozens of new pictures that have been taken of you over the years. I study your pictures as I studied ours. I decide that you looked much happier in our pictures than you do in yours.

As the years pass, and more distance is made between the losses I endured, the more I find myself stalking you on the now globally adopted social media. I look for similarities between our behavior and preferences. I bet you didn't know that we both seem to love Halloween and we both dress up in our adulthood.

As the years go by and time seems more precious, I find myself unable to stop my desire to reach out to you. I don't want to experience rejection, but it is not right to be so close to connecting and not ever even trying. I made every excuse for you I could. You know, as to why I haven't already heard from you. After all, you have definitely more than gotten the "hang of" using Facebook.

Maybe it's because I'm getting older that I have been wanting to reconnect with you, get to know you, and maybe even stay in touch with you. Life's trials and tribulations has left me a rather understanding and forgiving person, luckily for you. It is those traits that have allowed me to overlook a childhood absence and your current silence so that I could send you this letter and say,

I forgive you, I miss you, and I'd like to know you. What do ya say?

No matter what you decide, I'll be fine. Please don't feel any obligation. Just do what you feel like you should do. No hard feelings either way. Also, I'm strong enough to carry our relationship if need be. So now it's on you to make the next play.

Love,

Your Daughter