Behind the Here and Now

You know the saying 'You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't'? Nothing rings more true to parenthood than this.

Particularly fatherhood.

Particularly my father's fatherhood, which growing up, I would have described as being lackluster at best. However now, being old enough to be a parent myself, I understand the complexities of the parenting game; balancing work, social life, and family life upon the edge of a razor sharp knife. Not to mention personal time, which for the first little while is nearly non-existent.

When I think about it now, what my father has done for this family and my family year in and year out, it makes me ashamed to have had those feelings of abandonment that only a child that doesn't want to get left behind has at the end of the day.

You see, my dad has worked tirelessly his entire life. Up before the crack of dawn, and in the cases of midwinter hours, way way WAY before the crack of dawn. Getting up, having breakfast and clearing the road of snow on the family farm before the bus came for us kids at 7:30 in the morning. Vanishing to town to run a repair business, which is a feat in and of itself, only to come home at 6 or 7 in the evening. Supper was one of the few times I actually got to see him. That ten or fifteen minutes before he would start on the home projects, namely repairing anything that needed repair, Which being a farm was practically everything at one time or another.

Very incredibly rarely would he take time for himself. That time mostly consisting of having a visit from a relative or a couple times a year, going up to the lake for the weekend. Most of the latter's time being used for relaxing, understandably so. The man was a dynamo; Only slowing down long enough to take a breath, just to keep on keeping on again.

Those times at the lake when I was younger, were one of the only times us kids actually got to spend with him growing up. There never was much conversation, but it was still one hell of a comfort to know he was there one way or another.

Later on in high school, if I woke up early enough before school, he would throw together an extra serving of porridge along with his own. He was always there for me when I needed help with my lemon of a car, and it always needed work one way or another. For any kind of school function, he was there as well. We might not have spoken all that much, but actions speak volumes over words.

My father and my relationship changed after graduation. I had decided to go to University 4000 miles away from home, as far away from my home town I could get without leaving the country. It was a whole other world away from all the comforts of ones' common surroundings.

It was a big step.

A giant step.

A monumental, colossal step that I had no idea I had in me and think that both my mom and dad were scared out of their skulls for me. They had decided that Dad would fly over with me and stay on for a week to get me settled in.

It was surreal.

It was also the most time I had ever spent with my dad at one time. Alone. I didn't know what to say. At first it felt awkward. Like spending time with a relative you've known your whole life, but have never actually met before.

Until that point I hadn't known that he liked history too, that he liked hiking and nature like I did. I didn't know that I was more like him than I could ever imagined. We actually had conversations and explored the city. Rented a car and drove along the coast line, stopping to explore historical places. We'd enjoy the ocean waves crash over the rocky beach as we ate our bagged lunch. That week changed the way I saw my Dad as more than a parent, but as a person. I know that sounds odd. Every kid has that realization eventually. Mine was just way later than most.

Looking back to that chapter of my life, I wonder if we had had that time to bond when I was younger, what our relationship would be like now. That maybe a tete-a-tete, father & child day every so often would be beneficial to the relationship as a whole... and not when they're already practically out of the house. Though that's still better than not at all. Either way, I'm glad we had gotten that opportunity, and I'm glad he is still very much in my little family's life.

My father is a good, honest, hard-hard working man that gives his all for his family. These qualities are something I strive for, for my daughter as I watch her grow. As I watch this man smile and hug my little girl tight each day, I hope he knows how much he means to all of us. How loved this great man is. How much he's molded us into who we are today. And how much he would be missed if he were not here.