A Parents' Success

How do you know when you're a success at something? Particularly something as hard and as important as being a parent. There are so many things that can go wrong in life. They usually do. Being a parent is the last thing you want to go wrong.

When I think about parenting, I'm reminded of the old saying:

"The sins of the father are visited on the son."

It is a saying that is derived from Exodus 34:7, which states:

"Keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children's children, to the third and the fourth generation."

This is the last thing any parent wants to see happen. Sadly, it happens all too often. The "sins" of our parents are visited upon us. Our jobs as parents start with making sure our children have a chance to do better than us. Success in that regard makes you a successful parent.

The craziest part about parenting is you never know when becoming a parent will be thrust upon you. Couples can plan. It doesn't always work out that way.

As a young, naive, 19-year-old, fatherhood wasn't in my plans. How did that happen? I wasn't the brightest bulb in the box? How did that play out over time? That's the part that makes me realize I've been successful at something.

To start with, nobody can teach parenthood. It's not a teachable skill. You can have dozens of examples, you can have mentors and you can read all the books on parenting in the world and still find you don't have all the answers.

While I wouldn't recommend doing it at 19, for obvious reasons, there are some things I learned along the way. Some of these lessons came from my parents, and some from my grandparents, and the rest were self-taught. They come together in much the same way early professional advice told me to take the best you see and the rest of it is all your own spin.

1. Sometimes it takes a village: While we all have our pride, we all have the deep seeded desire to do it on our own, but sometimes we need help. Put the pride aside and remember it's about the best interest of the kid depending on you.

2. Parenting will never end: Whether you have perfect kids, moderately decent kids, or nightmares from hell (Menendez Boys), the job of a parent is a never-ending pursuit to get them across the finish lines. Whether it's seeing them financially stable, emotionally stable, happily married, or one day sitting in the Oval Office, you're there to help and advise them on their ideas about life and the world.

3. There will be good days and bad days: There is no getting around the bad days. Kids will do things that drive you insane, and say things that make your heart skip a beat, and you have to remember that it's not your life. Be there for them the best you can, and they'll know you love them. That's the first thing they needed and is the thing they'll need as long as you're a part of their lives.

So, did I beat the long odds of parenting as an immature 21-year-old? When my son's mother left I was scared to death. I didn't think I could get over her, much less be a single parent and not completely destroy another life.

Looking back over the years, I remember some great times. I remember my ten-year-old navigating a road we took with an old Rand McNally Map. We made it all the way from west-central Illinois to north Florida in one day. We spent a week on Sanibel Island, enjoyed the beach, Florida weather, and saw the sights. There have been many other great moments, moments I've been so proud of him, and completely enjoyed fatherhood.

There were some rough patches. Some growing pains in high school, and some adult growing pains. Being a parent could be so rough at times I popped off the phrase "retro-active abortion" once. My son was at times a reflection of myself.

Now, he's 31, on an engineering team, and loves what he does. I'm proud of him, almost as proud as he is of what he's doing and the work he takes such pride in getting right. For many years, I did important work. Now, my son does important work.

As his 32nd birthday comes closer, I see the man he's truly becoming. He's got a family, marrying her in October, and taking on the role of father. I got to see him do something that I never managed, and I'm getting a daughter and grandson in the process.

Success as a parent is measured in different ways. The main one is to see our children do better than ourselves. Seeing the three of them in a blanket fort together in their living room means I can call my experience in parenting a success.