My Second 1st date

The little black dress I was wearing was definitely a little tighter than I remembered. As I checked myself out in my full-length mirror, I cringed. Who was I kidding? I am far to old to date. Far to old to try to look sexy. This was insane. What in the hell was I thinking? To tight dress, to many wrinkles, to many scars. To many scars inside and out. This was foolish. A date? A date with a man I had loved 15 years ago. A man who had ghosted me and was now telling me that it was the biggest mistake of his life. A man who did not love me enough to stay, to fight, to even tell me it was over.

As I stared into the mirror, I remembered the heartbreak that he had caused. The deep burning, dark night of the soul destruction he had caused. Three years we had been together, long distance but still three years and he just quit. Just like that. No breakup. No text, email or phone call. He deleted me from social media and blocked my number, that is the only reason I knew he was alive; he was still active enough on social media to block me.

I had rebuilt my life. I built a great life. I never dated again. I swore I would not. He was not the first man that broke my heart and my spirit, but he was dam well going to be the last. We were building a life together, we had a plan, and I was left on my own with no plan, no partner, and no love. I had sunk into deep despair not knowing where to start or how move forward. Everything I had done in the two years before was planned for the two of us. The plan did not work for one.

It is said that sometimes you need to hit rock bottom before you find yourself, and it was the truth for me. I had always depended on men for love, self-worth, money and security. As I struggled financially (he had quit paying his portion of our lease and bills) I had to find inventive ways to make ends meet. I started a blog called abused for life, I entered writing contests and even did voice recordings for a company. I was determined not to lose everything.

As my financial life started healing, I started healing my heart, my soul and my body. I started meditating, breathwork, EFT, Reiki and yoga. I found new vibrancy, vitality, and confidence that I never knew I had. I found strength and I learned how to love myself enough that I would never ever need love or approval from a man again.

I started my own company and published a couple of books. I had tons of friends and a great following for my work. I should cancel this date. What was I trying to prove? I wanted to show him that I had won. I had done it all without him. I was still beautiful for my 55 years, fit and healthy. I was successful. I was rich. I wanted to walk into that room and show him what he had lost. What he could have had. What he threw away like trash.

I looked into the mirror again remembered who I was. Strong, beautiful, powerful, and confident. I was not going to let him take that from me. I was not going to be that girl that he left, that broken pitiful girl. I had worked to hard and to long to go back to that. He had asked for the date. He obviously had something to say. I would give him his date and then carry on with my life.

I left early so I could enjoy a glass of merlot before he got there. I was standing at the bar talking to girl next to me, my glass of merlot just about to reach my mouth when I saw him walk in. I took a casual sip and waved him over. He still looked dam good. Butterflies started in my stomach and my mouth went dry. Another sip of merlot. He walked over, he looked nervous and flustered, he kissed my cheek. His scent. Our whole relationship flashed before my eyes when I smelt him. I lowered my eyes, flustered. Thank goodness I had my merlot, another sip to break the connection.

“Christopher” my voice was soft, barely above a whisper. “Its nice to see you.”

His voice stuttered, but that smooth honey accent was still just as sexy and my knees quivered, “You are more beautiful than ever, my hunny”

Another sip of merlot “I am not your “hunny”. Shall we sit?” I knew I sounded uptight and bitchy. I took a deep breath and headed towards our table.

“What are we doing here, Christopher?” I wanted to get the bullshit out of the way. To see if this was really going to be a second “first” date or if it was something else. I did not know what he was expecting, I did not even know what I was expecting.

“I am here to say I am sorry. I have a million reasons why I did what I did, and they all made sense at the time but now? Now? None of it makes sense. I miss you. I have wanted to reach out a million different times, in a million different ways but I always found excuses not to. I tried to date, but none of those girls held a candle to you. I kept trying to make them you. The last girl I dated for year said to me “If she so fucking perfect then go be with her, I am done” And she was. And she was right. You were always the one. I love you.”

My heart was almost beating out of chest. I had longed to hear those words for fifteen years. I waved the waitress over and ordered his beer and another Bright Cellars Merlot. I needed a moment. “Christopher, you don’t even know me. I am not the same girl you loved; I am not the same girl you ghosted. You can’t possibly love me.” I took a breath. Closed my eyes. Opened them and looked across the dimly lit table into his. I could see the love. Shit. “Why? Why did you leave? Why did you leave like that? I wasn’t even worth an actual breakup? A phone call? A text? You shattered me.”

“I didn’t leave. You did. You didn’t believe in us enough to find out what happened. You believed the worst of me, you believed that I would end it like that. You tried for what two weeks? Then quit? You quit.” I could not have been more shocked. He had blocked me. He had quit. I had begged for two weeks; I had humiliated myself. And he was blaming me? My fault? I started to get out of my chair, this was bull shit. I was leaving. “Sit down and listen please” He sounded so hurt, so sad.

My throat was burning as I blinked back tears. “How could you possibly blame me? I would have never quit; I would have never quit loving you. You did this! You!”

Christopher cleared his throat. “I was in a coma.” He watched my reaction closely. “For over a year, you never came.” Tears were visible in his eyes. “Why didn’t you come? Why didn’t you look for me? Why did you quit?”

My tears flowed freely now. Shock and disbelief flowed through me. He had not left me. Had not ghosted me. I left him? “I didn’t know. I didn’t know.” My voice barely above a whisper. The waitress dropped our drinks off at the table and gave us a second to compose ourselves. “You blocked me from social media, you blocked my calls, my emails were returned. Why didn’t someone tell me? Why didn’t your family tell me? Why didn’t you call when you woke up?”

Christopher sighed. “My ex wife was still my emergency contact. I had never thought of changing it with the hospitals. She swooped in and took over. My parents and sister were simply happy to have someone taking care of things. They were devastated. They thought I was going to die or worse? Be in a coma for life. I believe she told my family we were back together. I didn’t know that she had blocked you on my accounts. She must have had my phone. When I woke up, I had no memory. None. They all made me believe that we were a happy married couple and I lived that lie for six months before I started to remember my life. Bits and pieces here and there. It took me another six months to get my full memory back. I still have a few blank spots, but I remembered you. I remembered us. It took me months to find you. I was blocked from your social media. Your phone number had changed. I found you because my daughter was reading your book and it showed me your website. I found you.” He paused.

“That was thirteen years ago! Why didn’t you come to me? Why did you wait? Why now?” The shock of it all had hit my nervous system, I was visibly shaking from my head to my toes.

“You didn’t come. I did not know that no one had told you. I had now idea how my ex had manipulated the situation until years later. I just knew you didn’t come when I needed you the most. You let that monster make me believe we were still married. You didn’t love me.” He paused. He was shaking just a visibly as I was. I had broken his heart as completely as I thought he had broken mine. “By time I realized what had happened you had built this amazing life that had no room for me. I followed your blogs and read your books and I knew in my heart you had done all these inspired things because I was out of your life. I am so proud of you, Bree. And I do love you, every inch of you, body mind and soul. We belong together. You know it, I know it, and I want the world to know it.

“I have dreamt of this a million times, in a million different ways. I do love you Christopher, body, mind and soul. This was one hell of a first date.” I wiped the tears and managed a smile.

He stood and came and knelt in front of my chair. “Will you marry me? Will you be my emergency contact” He chuckled. He pulled out a ring and said softly, “Will you forgive me? Love me? Stay by my side for the rest of our lives?”

I said yes and we spent the rest of lives making up for the time we had lost. It took a little while to forgive his ex wife but we got there eventually. After fifteen years we got our happily ever after and it was our very last 1st date.