I SPEAK WIFE

I saw a bunch of young guys who just got married were walking in, and I could see that on their dumb face, believe me. He has no idea what he just got himself into. He doesn't even know how to speak Wife. Oh, you've got to learn to speak Wife, man. And wife is a language that you learn over years of abuse. You get you start to figure it out after a while, you know. “Wife” always comes in the form of a question, you know? Oh, yeah, I'll be sitting on the couch comfortably and here comes the wife. Hey, are you thinking about going to the store? To you, young married man, that means you're going to the store. Don't be a dumb ass and answer. No, I wasn't thinking about going to the store. No, she just told you to go to the store. Now, when you get to the store, you wait. You wait for her to text you all the things that she wants. And it's also by brand. Oh, my wife has to have a certain brand. I can't even make a decision for myself in the grocery store aisle. If I'm in the toilet paper aisle and her brand's not there, I'm the dumb ass that has to FaceTime her. Hey, babe, is that one good? Can I get that one? All the other married men are like, what she says? What she says? And by the way, don't leave when you've bought everything. Don't leave because you're going to get another text. It's going to say, Are you still at the store?

So just wait because that shit is coming Sometime, she'll ask me a question in the middle of the night. I'll be asleep and she'll wake me up. Hey, hey. Is it hot in here? Well, I wouldn't know. I was asleep. How can you sleep in this heat? Well, apparently, I can't. Apparently, because you can't. I now can't. And that's wife for ‘Get up and turn the thermostat to 57 degrees.’ And later that night, when you're freezing your balls off and your testicles have icicles and she has now stolen all the covers, and now you really can't sleep. Don't you dare wake her up. Have some respect. I didn't even know I could speak wife. I didn't know. I just thought. I mean, you figure it out after you've been married a long time. And I didn't realize that young husbands did not speak it. You know, I found out because a young man in his twenties who was married, he was with his wife. After a show, he came up to me, He goes, Man, Steve, I'm a big fan! and I just want to have a drink with you tonight. And I said, Well, my wife is not here, so I'm going to have a drink. I said, I'm going to go to that casino, I'm going to drink Crown Royal and I'm going to play craps. I said, you can join me if you like. And this man with his wife, he didn't even hesitate. He didn't even even look at his wife. He goes, Man, Imma be there. I said, wow, you're a confident little guy, aren't you? I said, why don't you ask your wife? And then he goes, ‘Nah, man, my wife is cool.’ I go, ‘Wow, you just got married.’ He goes, ‘How do you know?’ And I go, because you still think she's cool. And then he goes, Babe, can I go with Phil and have a drink at the casino and play craps? And then she started to speak wife. She looked at him right in the face and she goes, ‘You can do ... whatever you want.’ And his dumb ass goes, ‘Told you!’ I go, ‘Oh, no, no, no, it's a trap.’ It's a trap. Do not do whatever you want. You're on a date and I was not invited on your date. Go home, son. Go home.

There is no husband talk. Men are like dogs, Ladies. It's really simple. You feed us, you give us water, you give us a toy to play with and rub us in that spot. You know, the spot, the one that gets the leg to... You know the spot Sometimes I can't take it though, man. I've been married long enough. She speaks wife to me and I just talk shit back. And by the way, wife talk is not always verbal. Sometimes they can walk wife. Sometimes they have wife on their face. Like you're in the living room and here she comes. Every man knows that walk from their wife. And in our head, we go ‘Ahhhhh, here we go!’ She came up to me and she goes, she goes, are you going to pick up our son at daycare, or shall I? I said, You shall. So, I went to pick up my son at daycare And I get to the point where I'm like, I just want her to tell me what she wants. Just tell me what you want me to do. I don't need a puzzle. I don't need a riddle. I don't need a haiku. I just want you to tell me what you want. The other day I took, I took the TV from our bedroom, and I took it outside because I wanted to watch the game. Okay. Later that night, it's time to go to bed. We're in the bedroom, and instead of just telling me to go get the TV, here we go. She goes, ‘Is the TV still outside?’ Is it in here? Do you see it in here? I go. Just tell me. Just say the words I go. Say go get the TV. Can you say go get the TV? And then she goes, is it going to stay out there? Oh, my God. Just tell me to go get it. Tell me to go get it. Well, is it going to get ruined? Son of a bitch. For the love of God, Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of God, just tell me to go get it. You know what makes me even madder? Is now, she's going to pretend, like she's going to go get it. Well, is it heavy? Mother f**** You're not going to go get it! It's nighttime. You're in your nightgown, your titties are hanging out. You're not. You're not going outside. And then she started to walk like she was going to go get it. And the the man, in me wouldn't let her. I go, ‘No, no, no.’ Then I got the TV! And I go, wait a minute, did she make me get the TV Without telling me to go get the TV? I go, okay, there it is. What are you going to watch it? She goes ‘No, I just wanted it inside.’ And she always... My wife's always looking out for my best interest, right? She doesn't. She doesn't want me to be too drunk. So, when we go out drinking together, instead of asking me to stop drinking, She has to put it into a question. Right. I'll be drinking my Crown Royal. Then here she comes. How many Crown Royals have you drank? I go, ‘Well, apparently this one's last.’ And she'll let me order it. Instead of telling me to stop ordering, she'll let me order it. I'm like, Can I get a Crown on the rocks? Thank you. And then there's my wife, do you think, you need another one? Well, that's why I ordered it. Why don't you just tell me not to get one? The woman can't say thank you. I'll tell you that. Oh, my God. I can't get my wife to say thank you. Or, I'm sorry. Those words did not come out of her mouth. They come out of my mouth all the time. Oh, I always say I'm sorry.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning, I go, I'm sorry. I don't know. I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry. I apologize. For what? I don't know something. I'm going to do something. You're the best and I'm the worst. I'm sorry! My wife does something, if she does something for our family. Oh, Tah Dah! Thank me? And I have to clap. Oh, baby, you're amazing. Wow! But in all honesty, my wife does a lot. My wife sacrifices a lot, too. I tell her thank you. I send her little messages. You know, I buy her stuff. Oh, yeah, I send her flowers, I buy her thing. She likes things and I buy things. Just to let her know. Thank you. Just to let her know that I appreciate her. You know why? Because the woman has sacrificed for our family. She's made babies for our family. She has a beautiful home for us. Yes. She she deserves she deserves a thank you. But you know what? I do stuff too I could use a thank you, a high five. I'll take a pat on the back. At this point, I'll take a thumbs up. That's all I need! Because I do sacrifice. And I wake up every day and I try to be a better man today than I was yesterday. I try to be a better father to my son today than I was yesterday. I sacrifice. Right. And a lot of you women are married to men like me, too. They work hard. They sacrifice. Does he get a little drunk on a work day? Yes. But in the morning, when it's time to go to work, does he call in sick like a little bitch? No. He wakes up like a man, still drunk. And all I'm saying. Ladies, is that maybe at that moment you could pick your head up out of bed and go... You know what I get? when I wake up before my wife? Oh, my God. Can you be any louder? You have to wake up the whole house? You mean the house that I'm working so hard to pay for? Well, that's good. You're supposed to do that. But do it quiet and do it in the dark because the people that matter are sleeping and turn the thermostat at up. It's cold in here. She always speaks wife too men. Everything I do, everything I do, she speaks wife. We bought a swing set for my son and I don't know if you've seen swing sets lately, but they're not like the ones we grew up with. Remember our swing sets that our parents put together for us? They don't even have the courtesy to anchor them to the ground like, Remember, you would swing and the whole thing and you go across the backyard. We're out there about to die and our parents are inside blasting cigarettes, drinking whiskey. The swing set we bought for my son might as well be a second home. Oh, my God.

There's a door and windows and a roof. And we bought it on Amazon because that's where you buy things now, you know? And you don't even know what you're buying because you don't get to see it in person. And me and my wife, we're picking it out together because I'm not allowed to make my own decisions and my wife picked the biggest one, of course, because the only thing my wife blows is the budget. And we bought it. We bought it. And after we bought it, it said for $500, click right here and we'll send you three guys to help you put it together. And I click No And my wife starts to speak wife. Did you mean to click, No? Yeah, I’m aware of what I'm doing. Yes, I clicked, No. She goes, ‘Well, you're not going to get the guys?’ That's what no means then. Now when she speaks wife, she has to say things in a shitty way that hurt my feelings. Well, who's going to put it together? I wonder, Who? How about me? How about me? How about I'm who? How about I'm who? You? Yes, me. I got an email from Amazon that that truck was coming with my equipment. I was outside in the driveway ready to go. I had overalls on. I was stretching, I was ready. And then an 18-wheeler came to my house and the driver goes, ‘Hey, man, where's the guys?’ I said, I didn't get the guys. And he goes, who’s going to put it together? I said, Me, that's who. And then he goes, ‘Man, you're fucked.’ And he left. 15 boxes in my driveway. And let me tell you something, man. When we make a decision at my house and my wife made that decision, that means that We have made a decision. And when that decision goes wrong for her, it is my job as her partner, as her teammate, to help it go right. When I make a decision that she doesn't like, that means that I have now made a decision. And when it goes wrong, is she, my partner? Is she, my teammate? No, she's there to make it worse. Even he knows you should have gotten the guya. I go, ‘Do you see me guys here?’ Babe, there's no guys. Can you help me? I need you to help me. I tried to help you. I told you to get the guys. Just read the book. Can you read the book? I need you to read the instruction book. She can't do that with a good attitude She has to stare me down like we're about to fistfight. It's in Spanish. Turn it around. How about you turn it around? Oh, my God. You're just going to yell at me? Is that why you brought me out here? So, you can yell at me? Because the neighbours can hear you. Babe, just tell me. Step one, please. What is step one? Well, step one is get Guys, I already told you. And nothing makes me more mad that when my wife is right, nothing makes me more mad. And she was right. I needed guys. And I didn't get my guys on Amazon. No way. I'm a Texan. I do H.A.M, you guys do H.A.M? Hire a African. The three of them showed up stacked on top of each other. *We will do this! * Oh sh*t! I said, ‘Can you guys, put together that swing set?’ And the main African was offended! He goes, Guys, that's a one-man job. That's easy for me. And then he's fired the other African! get out of here! That's an easy job for me. I went inside to get the book. By the time I came back, Simbo was already swinging And I go, ‘How much do I owe you?’ He goes, 800. I said, 800. I said, Amazon was 500. He goes ‘Oh, pues,’ Maybe you need to listen to your wife and call the guy. He goes, ‘By the way, when you click the guys, pendejo, I'm the guys. You guys, I'm HAMazon. A lot of you are confused. Simbo is African. How come he was able to put together the swing set and you could not.

But all you young guys that got married, Listen to me, man. If you can speak wife, you can speak mother-in-law. It's the same language. Just a little more asshole on my mother-in-law, man. She, says things in a positive way and she says, I'm with the smile, but I know what she's really saying. All the last time I saw her, she patted me on my belly and she goes, oh, you look good. That's all my wife I got. Did you hear what your mom said to me? Here's what she said. You look good. I said, Yeah, but you didn't hear. But get ready. All you young men that just got married. Because when you get married, you marry her family. And that means that your family no longer exist. Oh, my wife's parents, they show up, they didn't call, they didn't let us know. They knock on the door. And there's my wife, my parents’ kind of fell out of her purse. My parents. Are. Oh, my God, my bad. My parents come every at once, every three months. And there's my wife. Oh, oh. Did we run out of confetti? What happened? Well, I'm happy they're here. Well, maybe you should tell your face. They're always welcome in our house. Not according to that got face the. Like I said, man, I got. I got good in-laws, man. They're good people. And I got lucky with that, you know. And my father-in-law. I love that dude, man. I got a really good father-in-law, man. What's weird is my wife married a man almost exactly like her dad, which is kind of weird, you know? Oh, yeah. Me and him are very similar people, man. We both like to work hard, and we both like to party hard. You know, we like sports, we like to gamble. We're very similar. And I like hanging out with him because I like hanging out with me, you know, I should have married him, I'll be honest with is. Well, we do party different. You know I like the whiskey. And my father-in-law, he likes the weed. Oh, yeah, man. He smokes. He smokes the marijuana, man, and it makes him really happy. My father-in-law, when he smokes the weed and the women in my wife's family, they don't like it when their husbands are happy. You know? So even though I don't smoke weed, I keep a little at the house just to piss her off, you know? Oh, man, we go to we go to dinner with my in-laws, right? Right. We go to dinner with them and it's time to pay the bill. And my father-in-law, he's good, man. He'll he'll try to pay. My wife won't let him. Daddy, please. Your money's no good, Dad. Maybe it is. I mean, we haven't even tried. Let's let the establishment decide. You know what my wife says? You know, my wife's like, oh, how come we always have to pay for your parents? You know? She says they do so much for us. That's it. They do so much for us. That's it. That's why she said you should have seen how excited my father-in-law was to find out I was booked in a town were marijuana legal. Oh, man. He came up to me. He goes, Phil, I see that we're booked in Jah town.

But I said, We I'm sorry, man, I'm booked in Jah town. So, they came and I paid because their money's no good and they do so much for us. I got there Wednesday night and then my wife and my in-laws, they're not going to get there till Thursday morning. Okay. 8:00 in the morning. Now, my wife is not the kind of wife that I can leave keys at the front desk so she can show herself to the hotel room. I got to meet her in the lobby like I'm a peasant and she's the queen. I have to show up. Your Majesty, you have arrived. Give me the royal luggage. Get on my back. You shall not walk. Follow me. So, it's Wednesday night. I know. I got to be in the lobby at 8 a.m. I'm in Jah town. I can't sleep. Right. My buddy goes, you need to sleep. Eat this. And he hands me a little gummy bear. Yeah, I know there's weed in that gummy bear, but I don't do weed. But I did need to sleep and it was just a little gummy bear. I say, you know what? I'll just eat half right. So, I ate half and I met God. We had a long talk. Apparently, I'm not getting in without my wife. I didn't wake up till 1:00 the next day. Her Majesty was very upset in the lobby. My father-in-law, he saw me. He goes, Take me to the pot store. I've never been to a marijuana dispensary before, man. And it's not like a liquor store. You don't go in and get your flavour and leave. You got to talk to a pot professional. And the pot professional is a girl in her twenties and she's wearing a lab coat like she's a real doctor. She held up the same gummy bear she is. You see this gummy bear? I said, I do. Yes, she does. If you smoke weed every single day, you should eat half. I said, well, that's how I met God. Just what if you just want to have fun? Bite the leg? That's what she says. Bite the leg and wait on my wife, my mother-in-law. They're going to go see the first lady, right? Yeah. So, my father-in-law and I, we decided since the girls are going to be gone Saturday night, we have a plan to. And our plan was to go to my show, bite the leg and play craps. That's our plan. Right before I walk on stage, my father-in-law says, I'll meet you at the craps table. I said, yes, sir. I finished my show. It's about an hour and I go to the craps table. No father-in-law. So, I call him on the phone and he answers the phone like this. What did you give me? This hostage? You gave me acid. I go, it’s not acid, man, it's weed. He goes, well, I'm freaking out, man. I've laughed, I've cried, I'm scared. The man is in his sixties and he goes, Help me. I go, where are you? He goes, I'm staring at your face. And he hung up the phone. Those were all the clues I was going to get. I know where my face is. I don't know where he is. It's like an episode of Jah town, and the only clue I got is my face. I found him in front of a poster of me, and he was this close. The man had put himself in time out. I tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around, he goes, Hey, man, what the fuck? I said, did you bite the leg? He goes, I bit the leg, but he didn't do anything. So I ate the whole thing and that didn't do anything. So, I ate another one. I said, have you met? And he said, No. And I said, well, you better buckle up, buttercup, you're going to be higher than giraffe pussy for the next 8 hours. I said, some of you just learned today that giraffe pussy is the highest pussy on earth. I saw it on your face. You're like, oh, I sat him down in a chair and I said, hey, man, you need to relax. You need to calm down, man. It is we he knows that we may have been smoking weed since I was 13 years old.

Man, we don't make you feel like this. MAN, I'm freaking out, man. And then about an hour went by and he goes, oh, man, it is we. I said, you want to play craps? And we did. I watched my father-in-law play craps in. The man was happy. I've never seen him that happy because I know his wife and I'm married to a very similar woman. And I got a text message from my wife. She said, Concert's over, we're on our way to you. And I was like, oh, well, this party is over. And I know a lot of you, macho man, you're thinking to yourself, Phil, why don't you just text your wife not to come? Why don't you text your wife that the men are hanging out? Yeah, I don't have that kind of wife. My could text her that if I want her to get there faster, that's the kind of life I got. My wife would show up with a text message on her phone, read that to me. No, please. In front of your friends. What does it say? Well, it says I'm stupid. My wife got there. My mother-in-law got there. My mother-in-law. Saw, my father-in-law high and happy. And she gave him a look of disappointment and disgust. And I know that look from her because it's the same look. She gave me when I asked her if I could marry her daughter. But then I thought to myself, you know what, I'm going to learn something today. That woman is a lot like my wife and that man is a lot like me. And somehow, they've managed to stay married for over 40 years. Yeah, 40. You. And if anybody, if anybody's going to teach me how to handle my wife, it's right now. And he turned around and ran in the other direction. I got the blame. My wife goes, oh my God, what did you do to my dad? I say, I didn't do anything to your dad, we had a plan and the plan was to bite the leg. Girls Well, who paid for it? I told me, but only because the man does so much for us. And you. It's funny, man. I do these all the time talking about my life and my wife, and sometimes I get people to hit me up and they go, why are you still married? I love my wife.

That's why I do, man. Yeah, I love my wife. Oh, another question I get is Phil, why? What is it about your wife that you love? And that's a complicated question for a man, especially me, because it's changed over time. You know, when I first met her, it was her ass. That's what I fell in love with. That great ass, nice legs. I'm a leg and ass man and. Oh, yeah. And a lot of you women are like, Oh, my God, Phil, that's very shallow of you. I got bad news for you ladies. That man you're with didn't look across the room the first time he saw you and thought to himself, I would like to have a mortgage with her. I bet we could get a good 401k going. No. He looked across the room and he said, I'm going to bone her. That's when I said, and I did, I did. I got her in my sack and then she didn't leave. All the others would leave and she stayed. So, I did it again and she still stayed. And then I started loving her for staying. I did. I started to love her for staying and I started to hang out with her. She turned out to be a really good person and she was funny and she had a good sense of humour and we would party together. And I fell in love with that man. And then I started to hate her. Why are you still here? She's like, well, I'll leave. I'm like, then leave. You're a cock blocker. And then she left and for the first time I want her to come back. And I said, why don't you leave? She's because you're an asshole. And I said, well, if I'm a little less of an asshole, will you come back? And she did, dummy. Oh, now then, to make sure that she wouldn't leave again, I asked her to marry me and she said yes. And I was like, Dummy, she did. She said yes. And we got married and I fell in love with her on my wedding day because I thought to myself, this woman has signed a contract with me and she knows my credit score, but she believed in me. But then we made a baby together, man. Yeah, we made a baby together. She gave me a family, and I fell in love with her again. And the point of this story to all you young guys that just got married is you have to fall in love with your wife over and over and over again. Yes. Because if you're in love with tits and ass, that shit goes away. You'd better love her for something else.

I mean, we still have a gym membership and I encourage I encourage me. Hey, babe, let's keep that active shape. Let's. But that has been the biggest issue in our relationship is my love for my wife. That's the biggest problem that we have. Oh, no. We're at a point where she knows I love her. So, she takes advantage of me. Oh, man, she wants things. She asks for things. And because I love her so much, I break my back to give her all the things she wants. You know? Yeah, that's true. And a lot of you women don't realize, like me, your husband loves you so much that when you ask, that man breaks his back to give it to you. And what I'm trying to say in this therapy session is, hey, ladies, how about sometimes don't ask. Maybe you love him enough to shut the fuck up, but you don't and you won't. There's not a woman in here that felt bad right now. Every woman here just laughed and slapped you on the leg. You know, you're my Favorite employee. You know, you. That's all I am. I'm my wife's employee. I work for my wife. She is the boss. I've been fired. But somehow wake up still at work. I don't know how that works. I'm afraid to quit. I know she's not going to give me a good reference.