Dealing with Pain in an Abusive Relationship

How often have you said, "I didn't have a choice?" This is a phrase many people utter to justify their actions or to complain about their situation. Sure, we can continue to believe that we have no choice, but this kind of thinking contributes greatly to our frustration and limits the strength and scope of the personal powers we experience.

Whenever you find yourself in a situation where you feel like you have no choice, remember that you have at least three options. Every situation has at least three solutions:

You can leave it, change it, or accept it.

Each option looks different in different situations. Let's explore women's options in abusive relationships. I worry that women in abusive relationships don't have a safe place to ask for help or talk about their problems. They often feel embarrassed to share what's going on in her life. An abusers will always convince his victims that they are responsible for their abuse. This often causes people in abusive relationships to suffer in silence. I would like to provide a safe place forum for women needing to learn and to share that they are not alone.

I am by no means implying that men do not live in abusive relationships. This can create a seriously demoralizing situation for men. How does a man explain to a friend that his wife or girlfriend is hitting him or he's constantly verbally and emotionally abused? Much more than you think. Most people keep quiet because they are particularly stigmatized for admitting what is going on in their lives.

Domestic violence can also occur in same-sex relationships. However, for the purposes of this article, we will pretend that the perpetrator is male and the victim is female.

The first choice in such situations is to try to change the situation. Many women try to make everything perfect for their spouse or partner. They walk on eggshells, believing that if they make themselves better, more affectionate, more obedient, quieter, and more inconspicuous, men will not hurt them.

Many women in a romantic relationships are willing to spend their lives trying to change their partner's behavior. Of course, this is a futile attempt. They change when their current behavior stops working for them, and sometimes they still don't.

You can ask a woman, "How long will you wait for him to change?" You've spent 10 years, would you like to spend 10 more?" This is a question only women can answer. It's not up to me or anyone else to decide what's best for others. After all, we are not in their shoes. We can only guess what we would do in the same situation, but the correct answer for us may not be the correct answer for someone who experiences it.

The second possible outcome is to leave it alone. In an abusive relationship, this means ending the relationship. Many women in abusive relationships fear leaving, believing that their partners will hunt and kill them, or at least claim their "property" and force them back to return. Statistics shows that more women that remained in an abusive relationship are killed than those who leave. However, but this might not sound right for the family of the one woman who left and was killed by her husband.

Again, it is easy for us to decide it would be best for a woman to leave her current situation, but do we really know what’s best for another person? Do you want to be the one carrying that responsibility? Leaving is definitely a viable option but it should only be made by the woman who is in the relationship.

While there are organizations formed to help victims of domestic violence escape the violence of the situation, children and when it comes to child custody situations, the law gets very difficult. Some women stay because they won’t leave their children. Many stay because they are committed to their wedding vows that said, “In sickness and in health. Till death do us part.”

No one can decide for another person that she must forsake her vows if keeping them is her highest value. I might ask a woman if she has considered all of her options and thought of the consequences of each choice. Then, I would ask if she believes that leaving is the best option and if she willing to pay the possible consequences of that choice. Is paying the possible consequence of leaving preferable to staying in the current situation? Is the risk worth it? For some, it definitely is.

The final choice is to accept it. "Accepting it" is quite different from the other two options. In the her first two options, a woman changes external circumstances. When she tries to change it, she's trying to change her partner's behavior. When she leaves it, her circumstances change.

Accepting it, however, means staying in the situation, understanding and accepting that the other person will not change, and finding a way to accept that. The woman in an abusive situation would decide that she is not going to leave and realizes that her husband may never change but decides to stay anyway. This may actually be the best option for some.

The same three options are available to those of us who love the woman in this predicament. We can choose to walk away from the situation, which would certainly entail abandoning our friendship with the woman because we couldn't bear to see her suffer abuse.

By attempting to persuade her to break up with the man, we can try to change it. Many of our friends and family members do this, and occasionally the woman will choose to leave you. She might decide that she cannot tolerate your disapproval, whether it is expressed verbally or subtly. Out of loyalty to her spouse, she might feel that listening to your accusations against him is no longer appropriate. 

Instead of passing judgment or forcing her to leave someone she could love, she needs your support. Or, we can accept the third option. This means that we come to understand that this woman has her own life decisions to make and that she will use the options provided to her to the best of her ability. Realizing that you cannot alter her or him, for that matter, you will remain her friend and support her choices.