Setting Boundaries for Beginners

Not gonna lie, setting boundaries can be fucking hard. And that can be for several reasons. Perhaps you're scared to hurt the other person's feelings, or maybe quite the opposite; you're scared they may react harshly and in turn hurt your feelings. Either way, saying no to people is taxing, especially when you do not have the skills to do so, or even know where to start.

If any of this sounds like you, keep reading. However, if you think you know everything you need to know about when to draw the fucking line, then skip this. You've obviously achieved enlightenment and are far better than the rest of us.

I am about to show you three simple steps to stand your ground with people, and to finesse the hell out of setting boundaries.

STEP1: KNOW THY SELF

To even know where or how to start setting boundaries with people, one must first know what his/her/their personal boundaries are. Why is this important? Imagine sharing a room with someone, and not knowing where your side of the room is. How does the other person even know where to keep their shit if they have no clue where your side of the room even begins?

That being said, explore your personal limits in relationships. For example, maybe you have a friend who's always asking you to pay for lunch. The question is, do you always have that kind of money on you, or, are you always willing to pay? If the answer is no, then that is when you need to decide how you want to express that personal limit. Knowing how far you are willing or able to go for someone is fundamentally necessary for learning how to set boundaries.

STEP 2: RESPECT YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES

We may not realize this at times, but how we treat ourselves can often be a predictor of how others will treat us. Now, this isn't 100% of the time because you will have people around you notice you're treating yourself poorly and care enough to speak up about it. But, there are other times when you really need to establish with people that you respect your own boundaries.

Take me, for example, I do not function well during the day if I get less than 8 hours of sleep. When I stay up past 11 pm, I am disrespecting my own boundaries. Sometimes a friend or a family member will want me to stay up late with them, but I have to respect my own personal limits by telling that person: "I do really need my sleep. Let's do tomorrow night and pick a time that's not so late."

Step 3: Enforcing Boundaries

This is probably by far the hardest step in boundary setting. This step is 2 fold:

a.) You must express the boundary

Expressing your boundary requires effective or at the very least, basic communication skills. If you want the person to understand the boundary, you need to communicate it in a way that is firm but non-hostile. For example, if you're not okay with people eating in your car, and your friend happens to bring a sandwich on your way to the mall, you need to find a way to lay that boundary in a way that they understand eating in your car is not okay. You can put it like this: "I love you dearly, but I do not allow eating in my car. You are welcome to eat either before, or after the trip."

b.) Be willing to implement consequences if these boundaries are crossed

So, let's say your friend completely ignores your "no eating in the car" rule, and you start to hear a *munch munch* here and there. You have a few options. You could completely ignore them, but that's not good. You can explode on them, but that's no good either. Or, you can wait until the end of the entire trip, and ask your friend: "Remember the no eating rule? Since that rule was not respected, I see two options for us: you drive next time, or we just don't go next time. Our relationship matters to me, and I need you to respect this boundary, and as your friend, I cannot willingly let you violate my personal space,".

That is a good example of setting a healthy boundary because you weren't being too harsh, yet you were letting your friend know that you are not going to take their shit either.

Following through on boundaries is an integral aspect of any relationship. These tips will help give insight to anyone struggling on knowing where to start when it comes to setting boundaries.

The date is tentatively being decided, but come February, I will be teaching a class on setting boundaries via zoom.

Email me at: [email protected] or hit me up on the following social media for the detes, or to ask about my life coaching services in general. Admission is 50 dollars per person.

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And here is my email (which will change soon but this is it for now) : [email protected]