I Tried Stupid Lifehacks

by Fabian Gomez 2 months ago in list

Spoiler: They made my life HARDER

5 Simple Life Hacks! by Vitalius Space

There is a plethora of life hacks on the internet, and being we cant do anything because of COVID-19, I decided to see if I could try out some of these so called "life hacks." I found this video while procrastinating on an essay for school that was due the same day at 10pm (sorry Mum, sorry Nina), but hey! at least now I know to never listen to these stupid videos again. This film in particular had 5 life hacks. I wanted to try them all before I begun writing this, but after the video was over I wanted my six minutes and 27 seconds back. I could've used that time to finish my essay seven earlier than I actually did.

Before clicking the video I knew I was in for a treat. The thumbnail is of a watermelon with a soap pump on the top of it. I guess to pump out the juice? How did they think this would be a compelling thumbnail?... well I did click the video, so I guess I got suckered in. Anyways, lets move on.

Holy smokes I'm in for a treat. Already the first hack has me regretting this video. So, you know that old myth that you can't fold paper more than 7 times in half because it gets too strong to bend? Well they are playing with that (already disproven) myth for this hack. Fold a paper in half about five or six times and you can use a corner of the piece of paper to open a bottle cap. I would try it, but I don't have any bottles in my apartment that aren't screw off (Miller High Life really is the Champagne of Beers, rather classy), so its on to the next one.

Isn't the point of life hacks to make life easier? Since when was anything considered easy when you have to bust out the straight edge box cutter? This is a common trend in these videos (yes, I've seen more than one. Yes, I'm disappointed in myself as well). For this hack, all you need is a two empty coke bottles, their caps, a hot glue gun, and a box cutter. Cut one bottle in half at the base of the neck, and try not to slice your fingers off while cutting holes in the caps. The hole should be the size of your index finger, so we already know results may very. Hot glue the caps together so what used to be the tops are connected. Screw the cut neck of the bottle back onto the cap, and screw the final in-tact bottle back on to the unused side. So now you have this funnel looking thing made of coke bottles and hot glue. "What do you do with this invention, Eli?" one might ask (in case you didn't know, mostly everyone calls me Eli). Well, reader, let me tell you! this contraption is for funneling beverages and other liquids into empty coke bottles that fit the female end of the funnel. You screw it onto a bottle, fill that bottle up, then unscrew the funnel and put the correct cap on it. Do you see my issue with these life hacks? Do you see how they waste time and energy just for something you should already have laying around the house? No? well maybe this one will help you out.

Do you have a leaf blower, a key ring, aluminum wire, the same box cutter from the last hack, a Polyvinyl Chloride Tee fitting, two brand new tubes of nine ping pong balls, a Butane hand held flame thrower, and an ice pic lying around? You do?! well you're in luck because you have all the things you need for this next hack! All you need to do is cut the end off both tubes your ping pong balls are in, and fit them into the Tee fitting, without the caps, obviously. One on either the left or right hole of the PVC, then on on the bottom hole, so it makes an "L" shape. Grab your trusty flame thrower, heat up the pic until its glowing red, and poke a hole in the middle of the Tee fitting. Just don't breathe in the fumes that come off the PVC, that can't be good for your health. Tie some of that aluminum wire around the key ring, to make a poker that fits into the hole you burned into the fitting. This is meant to be a stopper for the ping pong balls. As soon as you release the key the balls should slide through the L shaped creation. Grab your leaf blower, remove the long nozzle, wrap the base with electrical tape, and stick the unused end of the Tee to the leaf blower. Load about four or five balls into the upward pointing plastic tube, then put the cap back on, as if you never opened the cylinder of table tennis balls. turn the leaf blower on, remove the aluminum wire stopper, and let them balls fly!... Or just buy a nerf gun, you pleb. This was such a long walk for a small glass of water. And what is this used for? to entertain yourself for 5 seconds? read a book, you obviously have the patience for it if you're building this. I don't think its considered a Life Hack if gas powered lawn tools, and fire is involved.

Grab that bundle of toothpicks sitting in your pantries, ladies and gentlemen. I know at least some of you have some, my parents certainly do. Then grab your air pump and a balloon (or just use your lungs in place of the pump, unless you have COPD, then yeah, use the pump). take out ALL the toothpicks from the packaging, and I mean all of them. What you do next is wrap the toothpicks with a rubber band to keep them all together and force the balloon on top of all the toothpicks. Can you guess what happens next? if you guessed "a waste of time" you are absolutely correct. The balloon doesn't pop. Ta-da! That has to be the most boring and useless party trick. Plus, you dirtied up all the toothpicks, dick. Now I need to buy more.

Now for the Main Event! Remember the watermelon-soap pump thumbnail I was talking about? Well now we are going to learn how to make it. I hope you have your notepads out. Grab the closest watermelon, your trusty box cutting straight edge blade, some office scissors, a brand new bottle of liquid soap (preferably with a pump, so you can, ya know, use the pump), and if you don't have a sink anywhere in your home, a dog bowl full of water will do. Clean out the soap pump as well as you can. Then with your box cutter, slice a hole on the top of the melon. Not to big, but big enough to fit the pump hose in. With one of the scissor blades stab the hole and mush the inside. Go ham, turn it into pulp, just to make the hole on the top any larger than what it is. Put the pump hose through the hole, so the pump itself is resting on top of the melon. Grab your favorite glass, and begin pumping. In 55- 73 minutes you should have eight full ounces of watermelon juice.

Way too long story short: Don't listen to these videos. Don't follow them, and don't write articles on them if you don't want to get annoyed. I'm slaving away at a corporate 9 to 5 making $11 an hour while this dude puts together a pile of horse-apples and makes millions. I'm in the wrong business. Time to go raid my parents garage for heavy machinery and precious metals so I can film a video of me attempting Alchemy and calling it "Nine awesome life hacks."

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Fabian Gomez
Fabian Gomez
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Fabian Gomez

As long as people can read, I'm going to write.

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