Gillette Scientists Announce Breakthrough in Decades Long Quest to Develop Planck’s Razor

Prototype Expected By Year’s End

Gillette scientists announced a major breakthrough today in their decades long quest to develop the so called Planck’s razor. The until now only theoretical razor would give a man the closest shave possible in the universe based on our current understanding of the physical laws which underlie it. The beard hair would be cut at the smallest possible measurable unit of distance (Planck’s length) from the face resulting in a face actually smoother than a baby’s bottom. In fact, if the models describing the razor are accurate, the Planck’s razor shaved face would be 10²² times smoother than a baby’s bottom which actually has microhairs at the molecular level which can be sensed by human touch. Human senses are nowhere near sensitive enough to detect any facial hair on the Planck’s razor shaved face, and it is said such a face would feel like glass or silk to the touch. The scientists noted that any man who had such a silky smooth face would be a hit with the ladies since everyone knows “they go crazy for a cleanly shaven man.” The breakthrough is said to have come when Gillette researchers discovered how to create a near infinite repeating layer of attomolecular razors (1 attometer = 1 x 10^-18 meters). The layers of tiny razors are separated by flexible carbon nanotubes that act as molecular springs allowing each attolayer to “float” just above the layer below it, and just above the lowest level of skin molecules at the surface of the face. If not for these springs the razors sharpness would immediately slice to ribbons any face which it even glanced upon. Concerns about safety, and the bloodshed that could occur should the nanosprings fail, have kept Gillette scientists from constructing a prototype. However, that prohibition may soon end and we may yet see Planck’s razors for sale in local supermarkets within the year. Gillette expects them to retail for $8,000 per pack of six blades or $10,000 for eight. The high price will be a barrier for many but considering each blade is expected to last well beyond 300 years before dulling it may be worth the investment over the lifetime of the average hairy faced man.

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Optometry Struggles to Purge Left Eye Prejudice From Its Teachings

Anti Left Eye Bias Continues to Plague the Worlds Most Boring Medical Profession

The most boring medical profession, optometry, has a long history of left eye prejudice going back to at least the 1600s when the first ever full book of optometry was published. In that terribly dull book by Benito Daza de Valdes the left eye was first given the latin designation oculus sinister (OS). This is in contrast to the right eye which was designated oculus dextrus (OD). Despite our modern interpretations this was not done intentionally to confuse generations of future eyeglass and contact lens wearers who would not realize that the abbreviations OS and OD stood for the left and right eye. But it did cement in stone a view of the left eye as evil and worthy of less optometric focus and study. Dr. Ted Stephens, a cataract specialist in Tampa, and the third most boring optometrist in the state of Florida said “While it is true that historically optometry has considered the oculus sinister, or left eye to the laymen, as the evil or devil eye, today we are more enlightened. The old guard has been swept away by the winds of history and only a few hangers on still cling to the old beliefs. Soon even they will be gone and optometry will finally shed the baggage of anti left eye prejudice that it has carried for so long now. When that day comes optometry will finally become the boring, sad, lonely medical specialty it was always meant to be. I for one, can’t wait for this future to begin.” He then crossed his left eye with his thumb and forefinger extended, mumbled something unintelligible in latin, turned and walked away.