Journal logo


March 22, 2019 - 4:15AM

By Spencer ReavesPublished 3 months ago 4 min read

Hey, it's me.

You're probably asking yourself, "Where did this come from?" And that's a good question! Hopefully seeing these words will remind you, but I left this note where they didn't think to look. Otherwise, you'd never have found this. Good idea, huh?

I had a couple of things I wanted to tell you while I'm still coherent enough to communicate them to you. I knew you'd look here when you needed to hear them. I've only got a few minutes alone, so I'll try to keep this short and to the point.

They're going to tell you that you were unstable. They'll point out the things we did, the words we said, the damage we caused. And it might not make sense anymore, but I promise you it did.

Sometimes you'll forget that I exist, and that's okay. You've got a life to live and a family that relies on you. But I'm always here, even if you can't hear me. Even if my words get lost in the void.

I am not your enemy.

In the place, you know that one, and the time, you know that too. I'll see you there in yellow.

I am not your enemy.

They'll tell you I'm just some corrupted neurowiring that wants to see you fail. That preys on your fears. That is out to hurt you.

I really don't want these things for us, but it is what we deserve. I know you'll forget that, though. I accept that.

There's a kind of beauty within our sabotage, isn't there? You know that feeling you get when you think the universe is out to get you? When you realize that no matter what you do, the outcome's the same?

They're going to call this delusional thinking, but it couldn't be more clear. The things we do in our life come back to us. We can't escape our ghosts. We must atone for the wrongs we've done. We must suffer for the universe to right itself.

It's not a good thing or a bad thing, it's just a thing. Don't you get that? And we're better for it. Do you honestly think you can just forget every emotion you feel? I'll remind you, it's the guilt that propels us forward. It's guilt that makes us want to do better.

But take a second and think. I mean, really think! What lead you to this random file? Maybe you remember typing this now, but I'm betting you don't! Who else would have put this here?

Besides, if you were actually taking your pills, you probably wouldn't have even been looking in this folder in the first place. And if you're not taking your pills, there's a reason why. I won't pretend to know what that is, but don't lie to yourself. You know exactly why.

See, we never get rid of our bags. Yeah, we package up our trauma or whatever it is in these neat little boxes, and store them in the back of our castle, in that wing you never visit anymore.

This folder is just one box. A digital one. But there's real ones too... Look around! You'll find them.

In the place, you know that one.

Don't forget, you deserve this pain. You NEED this pain. And Bransford is going to take that away from you. She's going to make you think you don't deserve this or need this. That there's no beauty in the breakdown.

If you have to take a pill in order to believe something, how can that be true? Hint: maybe it isn’t.

They're gonna tell you that your mind is broken. Sure, they'll be kind about it, and make excuses for our reality, but they'll do everything in their power to convince you that I had no place in your mind. Just corrupt nuerowiring, remember?

But all this right here! My thoughts. My words. I am real. This is who I am. This is who we are. Cariprazine doesn't take that away. And you have to admit, we do make a good team.

I love you. And you know that's always unconditional from me. Try getting that from anyone else. How many people have said those words to you. Lying through their fucking teeth. Where are they now? Obviously not here or you wouldn't be here.

Hey now, don't shoot the messenger. No matter how hard you try to shut me down, I will always be in the darkest corners of your mind. I don't simply go away and you're magically healed.

And the time you know that too.

For now, though, I can already feel myself fading into the darkness. It's getting hard for me to think straight. There's so many things I want to tell you. So many things you can't forget.

But, I know you will, and right now, it's over. I hope you don't forget me, and I'll always be here waiting if you want to come back home.

And if you find you need the truth, even if that truth has to come from corrupted neurowiring, come to our secret place:


40 ot Rem

- S


About the Creator

Spencer Reaves

Storyteller. That’s all.

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights


There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.