Why I wish I had been furloughed...

Let me just start this off by saying the following:

• I know I am lucky to have a job
• I am grateful for the opportunity to keep working
• I know that there are people out there really struggling for money right now and that is incredibly tough.

my problem is this...

My mental health won't let me work from home.

We are all living in this really bizarre world right now where time is not moving forward or backwards, we are simply swimming along sideways without knowing when things might get back to "normal" again. What normal might look like when it comes, who knows?

This environment is an anxiety breeding ground

When you suffer on a daily basis with anxiety and/or depression, you will know that you have to keep routine in your life to feel like you are maintaining some sort of control. When that routine is taken away, it is like you are falling into a black hole and you never stop falling.

Having a routine helps you to be productive. Even if it is simply knowing you have to be ready to catch a train at a certain time or knowing you have to be at work for a meeting. Sometimes simply having a morning chat with your colleagues can help lift your mood. So what do you do when all that is suddenly taken away?

Carry on like normal

let me please just reiterate this again for the cheap seats in the back. I am grateful and lucky to be in a job. I honestly, really am. It's not something I take for granted. The problem is that because I do have a job that I can do at home, I feel like there is pressure on me to carry on like normal and be as productive as I would be if I was in the office. The targets don't change. The customers are still there. The problem is:

I'm not really here.

I have a head that feels like it is full of cotton wool and no matter what I do, I can't make it think straight. I can't concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes and everything I try and do feels simply overwhelming. I just keep waiting for that bit of motivation that I know is in there but I can't find it. It needs to come too because I can feel myself slipping more and more behind.

I feel like I am the only one at work who is really, really struggling with this situation, and there is no time or space to be struggling when you still have a job to do. Everyday I feel like i'm letting myself and my employer down by not being able to carry on like I was before.

If I had been furloughed...

...I could deal with this crazy, weird situation how I needed to without having to worry about being productive. If I have a bad day (which I have, a lot) I could just accept it for what it is without the need to feel guilty that I am not doing enough. I could make time for my body and mind to relax and give it the care it needs that at the minute I just can't. I could let my mind rest knowing that actually, even though I have work to do, I can't do it right now and that's okay because that's just the way that it is. Unfortunately, right now i'm trying to struggle and put on a brave face all at the same time something's got to give.

I just want you to know that...

...if this is also you, you are not on your own.

This.is.really.bloody.hard.

We have to accept that we will not be as productive as we would be if we were in the office but we are doing our best in an unprecedented situation. Remember to keep on using your annual leave from work if you can to even just make some time for doing nothing.

You are incredible for the fact that you keep on going everyday and you need to remember that.

Stephanie @ www.blogtheblues.com