When You Let Your Guard Down.

Dear Diary,

 It's never easy being married when the troubles begin or personal issues arise expected to share on everyone's terms not my own. Lately it's never been easy to just share for me. Everyone has to understand how I feel but never will.

I want to hide in a corner bring my knees to my chest rock back and forth. I don't feel free, but a different way of thinking. Traditions, belief, and upset feelings.

I miss my dog, I miss driving, I miss driving down the street to my favorite coffee shop.

But no one can understand where I come from. No one will ever understand the feelings I bear.

So, much was taken from me last year some that didn't belong to me. But the one thing that mattered to me besides my husband was my dog.

Someone once said animals are easier to be around then people this is true. They make better companions because they don't judge they show 100% love.

I love my husband so much, he has been my rock throughout everything from last year. I wish my mind would forget it all instead of just punishing myself.

I never learned how to cope.

Coping tools are difficult for me to learn. How do you retrain the mind?

I learned something the five stages of coping with trauma:

1: Denial: Not wanting to believe what happened.

2: Anger: Why did this have to happen to me? The anger just builds and builds until you slash out without meaning to.

3: Bargaining: Bargaining with yourself that you will do better.

4: Depression: Having to adjust to quickly to everything all at once. The more that piles up the more stressful it becomes.

5: Acceptance: After the last four steps the acceptance happens.

I've yet to learn acceptance and coping.

Though I feel like I have come to the conclusion I'm have way there.:

Phase 1: Safety and Stability: This is what I have now a safe environment to live, and a safe husband. But truth be known going back to a different city could help in the same state I lived in.

Phase 2: Remembering and Grieving: It seems like grieving and remembering is all I do. I want to move forward I just don't know how to.

Phase 3: Restoring Relationships: I don't see how I need to do this because there are no relationships to mend.

 However, I do miss my childhood best friend Mary but I don't think that friendship was ever real. It was only one sided. But it couldn't have been I've been racking my brain trying to figure it out why she just iced me out. She helped me when I was down and out last time I was in the states. She bought me McDonald's when I couldn't afford a cheeseburger, and a coca cola. She would even feed my addiction to cigarettes, she even let me look at her lighter collection and I could pick two. This felt great to do.

Nevertheless, it feels like I am grieving my dog even though he isn't dead just with other owners. I miss so much, I remember I bought him in Amish Country when my now husband broke up with me five years ago it was when we were dating. Someone once told me when someone dumps you buy a dog. I did that and he became my best friend and companion. When they took away my dog from me it was the greatest loss for me.

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