Waking Up

Saturday morning rolled around sooner than I’d wish it would have; the sunlight that poured into the bedroom felt blinding. I rolled over and swung my legs from the side of the bed, something felt off but I disregarded it as morning grog. My eyes were barely open as I stumbled across the room to the door. Upon stepping into the hallway I realized to my horror that something was very wrong, the walls felt like they were folding in and as I looked out into the house I felt a chill run up my spine. I didn’t recognize the living room before me. The table and the assortment of letters and dishes scattered across it were foreign to me, I didn’t recognize anything. I turned, feeling deeply sick to my stomach, and poured myself into the bathroom and over the side of the toilet bowl. My stomach renched for a minute but finally my breathing slowed and I gathered myself. There were plenty of reasonable, albeit still uncomfortable, situations where one might wake up in an unfamiliar setting. I could handle this, I just needed to get myself together, perhaps just wash my face and then move from there. I rose slowly from the tile and with a heavy sigh turned to the sink. A flick of the wrist produced a cool stream of water that burbled against the quartz. I tried to ignore the urge to absorb the room around me but I was growing increasingly curious about my surroundings.

The counter was covered with various pieces of makeup, a hair brush and a small cup with two toothbrushes leaning against the mirror. The floor was a mess with a washcloth and a few articles of clothing, a magazine and a purse littering the off white tile. Truly an odd place for me to end up, I felt I should have a better head on my shoulders but given the headache that was pounding within my temple I assumed that I ended the night in a deeply intoxicated state. With another heavy sigh I turned off the water and shook my hands into the sink, at that moment I looked up and froze.

A scream broke through the silence as I locked eyes with the reflection in the mirror. It wasn’t me, my broad shouldered, lanky frame had been contorted into the vessel of a young lady. Everything was wrong, my heart was pounding as I stared into the mirror, they were not my brown eyes staring back at me with panic written all over what was not my face. I reached up with a small feminine hand and touched the plump cheeks - to my dismay I could feel the touch against the foreign skin. My heart palpitated repeatedly as I continued to explore the reflection.

I’m a man, I’m a young man, I drive a big blue pick up truck. I’m not this terrified girl that’s locked her eyes to mine. My ears began to ring as waves of nausea washed over me, every mirror movement made me feel more and more ill. Finally I couldn’t handle the strange sight and collapsed in front of the toilet again. This time I vomited violently holding the cold sides of the toilet. After sometime I pulled away, my head was still spinning but I had to ground myself. This was still something I could handle, there was surely an explanation and I would get to the bottom of it.

Having sufficiently calmed myself again I rose from the floor and took a moment to gargle water to clear my mouth. I looked up again, eyes locked to the stranger in the mirror. I felt like I was swimming through layers of reality, trying to push myself into the present moment. I had to be ok, I had to get through this and I was sure that I would. I decided, unwisely, to examine the rest of the body I was inhabiting. Another chill touched my spine as horror befell me- the body was heavily pregnant.

“Hey! You alright? I heard you throw up.” I turned to the door where a man stood with one hand against the frame above my head. This seemed like the kind of guy I’d usually tower over, but my knees buckled as awareness of the tiny female frame washed over me again.

“Yeah, rough morning.” I said, surprised to find my voice was smooth and feminine.

“Well you’ve been puking for 7 months so hopefully it’ll ease up soon. I’ll start some breakfast for you.” He tapped the frame as he turned then disappeared down the hall. I sighed heavily, my stomach was horrid knots as I looked back up into the mirror and at the unfamiliar set of eyes. My heart suddenly sank as a sense of hopelessness seized me. What if this was my life now? Would I have to carry on through this stranger's life? Would I, the kind of guy you’d find at a backwoods trash bonfire, have to become a mother?

“You’ll be ok.” Said a voice behind my head, I whipped around but found the room still empty. I stepped back, heart exploding within my chest and circled through the room quickly. “You’re not alone but you can’t see us.”

“You’ll be fine, Theo.” Said a softer voice. I pulled back the shower curtain in vain as I anxiously looked for the source of the two voices.

“Who are you? Who is this? How do you know my name?” I demanded, as I turned back to the mirror I half expected to see a woman standing behind.

“Theo, we’ve been with you for nearly a decade.” The second voice purred, I could feel the presence of another being behind me and my skin felt like it was crawling. “I’m sorry,” she continued, the sound of her voice shifted to the other side of my head as she continued, “but you’ve always been that girl in the mirror.” Feeling mortified I locked my eyes to the reflection, my jaw clenched tightly, I felt a cold wave creep up my back.

“No, no this isn’t me. I’m a man, I’m taller than this. I remember times before this.” I stammered, I felt desperate.

“You’re just now waking up, it’s hard to adjust.” The first voice said, “You’ll have to accept this reality as your own.” They whispered. My knees were weak and my stomach was pressed hard into the side of the counter, I felt like I was panting but I could distinctly feel the coolness of the quartz counter against my small, shaking, hands.

“This isn’t me.” I repeated desperately, my eyes had found my hands. I was examining the long thin fingers and smooth nails that were polished red.

“Well it is, it’s all of us.” Said the second voice, “We are all in this together and you’ll adjust quickly.” She whispered in a soothing tone. It felt like pressure was building in my head as the conversation continued, I felt like I was losing touch with reality with every exchange.

“I don’t understand what’s happening.” I said in a hushed tone.

“Theo, you’re an alter.” The first voice cooed. My heart shattered as a flood of memories rushed through me, I could see dozens of memories from this girl's life flash before my mind's eye.

I could see myself standing beside her, both of us appearing only about 5. Just as quickly as it had appeared it faded and another memory of me presumably in middle school flashed before me. Several more followed in short secession, many were from ages that appeared to be no older than 14.The perspective of the memories changed rapidly between each, some were from her view, others from mine and still others from a sort of outside view. I doubled back in confusion, back pressed against the wall opposite the mirror. I stared at the reflection with horror written over our face. “You’ve suffered from amnesia and you’ve been asleep for sometime now.”

“But we need you, we had no choice but to wake you up.” The second voice whispered.

“I remember so much, but nothing is clear, it's like it's all black and white.” I felt a sour taste in my mouth as I pushed off the wall and moved close to the mirror again. The longer I stared into this strange girl's eyes the more I felt a sense of kinship between us, with every breath I felt I was pulled just a little bit closer to her and to the moment that we stood suspended in. Another memory raced across my mindseye, it was some kind of hazy reflection of a computer screen. I leaned in closer and slowly an image appeared on the screen. It played through a video of some acclaimed doctor speaking to someone on a TV show, the screen jumped to the person saying they had multiples, it jumped to another scene of them further commenting on the disorder with a different tone entirely and then jumped twice more to the doctor making comments on it. My throat felt dry as the memory faded and I was pulled back into the moment. For a long time I stood there with my head down cast, eyes fixed on the faucet as my chest rose and fell. Thankfully the other voices decided to stay quiet, I could still feel the warmth and pressure of their presence and try as I did, I couldn’t shake it.

“I don’t know how we got here, but I’ll do my best to get us through this.” I said to my surprise, I barely knew the words were being pulled from my lips but registered the voice as my own.

“That’s the spirit, Theo!” Chimed the second voice.

“Welcome to reality.” The other said, I pulled away from the mirror.

“So I have to learn how to cope?” I asked as I examined the vessel further.

“You’ll pick up quickly, you’ve been around before. You’re a protector, and though you had wished not to be disturbed when you went dormant before- desperate times call for desperate measures.” The two of them seemed confident in me, but I felt like the world had crumbled around me. I took a deep breath and watched the rise and fall of my chest, I clenched my fists and watched the mirror reflect it back to me. I couldn’t shake myself from it, this was in fact reality and the longer I stood there the more I felt I could accept this outlandish truth that’d been handed to me. After a few more long minutes of looking into my new face I had come to my resolve. I would find ways to cope, ways to live and survive and with that breath I could feel a sense of pride in my veins, my purpose was to protect and although I felt untethered I was ready to take up the challenge. The first step was to leave the bathroom.