They Better Never Give Me a “Dear Jason” Column

I found myself giving advice to my good friend the other day. I started thinking about how often I give advice to him and a handful of other online and real-life friends. I’m also apt to tell my kids what “I” would do in any given tough situation that they’re going through, mainly when asked.

At age 48 (soon), I feel like I’ve been through quite a few situations that life has sent my way. The same as most of you have. Especially if you’ve lived at least half your life or more by this stage. We tend to pick up a little knowledge and wisdom along the way.

This made me think of advice columns. As a person who read the newspaper at breakfast daily from about age ten to well into adulthood, I was no stranger to Ann Landers or Dear Abby. They were famous twin sisters whose advice columns were in damn near every newspaper in the country.

My interest in the drama of random strangers took place many years before social media. Back in the print era of information, I couldn’t comment, leave a smiley or angry emoji, or LIKE someone’s comment. I mean, I could like it, but not LIKE it. It was quite one-sided.

Both Ann and Abby have sadly passed since those days of my reading of their daily columns. I started wondering what it would be like if I suddenly was an advice columnist and read in thousands of newspapers across the country. Wouldn’t that be sweet?

It COULD be pretty awesome. However, I can be a bit of a moody prick sometimes. Stupidity and ignorance are not things I have a high tolerance for, generally speaking. It could get a bit ugly. Let’s examine a number of advice column scenarios and how I’d likely respond.

Dear Jason,

My parents are ruining my life. Specifically, by not allowing me to grow up. All of my other friends can use their phones all day and all night without having to take breaks. My Mom and Dad won’t even let me have a Snapchat or a Tik Tok account. Are they trying to make me unpopular on purpose?

Like, I’m SO sure.

Callie, Sarasota FL

Dear Callie,

So let me make sure I understand this fully. You have a phone, likely the newest iPhone. Your little beef with your parents is that you can’t use it constantly with your earbuds permanently affixed to your ears. You’re probably required to answer your folks if spoken to, and that is problematic. Am I fuckin’ warm here?

Kid, get a grip. There are other ways to show your folks that you’re grown up. I’m assuming if you feel you’re ready to make Tik Tok videos and use Snapchat, you’re technologically advanced enough to operate a vacuum cleaner, a dishwasher, and a washer and dryer. Start there, Toots.

Show your parents that you’re mature enough to handle having your phone for longer stretches of time. If I came home to my hurricane-of-a-mess house and my kids had the laundry done, dishes clean, and we could see the floor enough to vacuum, I’d staple gun their earbuds into their heads myself. Have at it, Kids!

Start where I’ve recommended and show them that you are a mature teenager who isn’t that far from being an adult. They will appreciate the efforts you’re giving around the house and will likely ease up on your phone usage. Just don’t talk to any fuckin’ creepers on Snapchat. Respect yourself, Baby Girl.

J-Pro

Dear Jason,

I have an issue with my girlfriend. She’s a smoking hot perfect 10. As such, she expects to be treated in a way that’s deserving of someone at her level. We usually get along pretty awesomely, but she also has an unpredictable temper.

I can usually talk her down and make her laugh, and she’s only hit me a couple of times. What can I do to make this relationship better and feel that what I want matters as much as what she wants?

Thank you.

Paul

Oh, Paulie…

I had a cousin like you back in Jersey. In fact, his name was Paulie, too. Little Paulie. We called him Little Paulie because he didn’t have any balls, either. You need to grow a pair.

There is NO reason for a woman to hit a man. And vice versa. If you’re big enough to raise hands, you’re big enough to get smacked the fuck up. Wise words, my friend.

However, before you go and get arrested over this Buchiach, do one thing your Uncle Jason tells you. FUCKING RUN. Leave the place you live. Or throw her shit on the street when she’s at work and change the goddamn locks. She has earned this treatment if she has hit you before.

One more thing: Just because she’s a 10 and her pussy probably tastes like cotton candy, this does NOT give her the right to hit you or act like an idiot. Give up the ten and grab yourself a couple of 5s who will treat you right.

The End.

J-Pro

Dear Jason,

I’m a recent high school graduate and trying to enjoy my summer off before planning my next move. I live with my parents and just want to smoke weed for the summer while I’m looking for a job or deciding whether to start community college in the fall.

They are not ok with this, even though marijuana use is legal medicinally here in our state. They won’t even help me get my medical herb card. What I can do about this?

Signed,

Ricky

Dear Snoop Dogg,

Ok, son. Drop the grinder and the orange Zig-Zag wraps. I want your head clear for this shit, I’m going to drop a little knowledge on you. Two things:

When you live in your parents' basement and you’re still sucking on Mama’s tit, you do as they fuckin’ say.

Smoking weed all summer isn’t some noble plan. I realize that weed is fucking awesome and makes this soul-crushing thing we call life so much more bearable. But damn, get your priorities in line.

You’re never too young to learn that “No means no.” You’re going to cross that bridge again, should you ever be fortunate enough to find a woman who likes you enough to actually let you touch her. Listen to her and follow her lead, always. She has the vagina, she makes the rules.

I’d HIGH-ly recommend you get a job and/or enroll for the fall semester. Don’t bust your parents’ balls about the weed. Sack up and go get your own medical card. Or buy it on the sly from a friend, illegal weed tastes better anyway.

Visine and oil vape pens are your friends,

J-Pro

Dear Jason,

I’m a semi-closeted gay man. I’ve been raised by conservative Christian parents since birth. All I’ve heard from them my entire life is “Sin, sin, Hell, sin, sin, repent, gay is evil, two genders, liberals are evil, Praise Trump.” It’s sickening to still hear them act like this after all of these years.

They tell me that they’re praying for me daily to find the right woman and start a family. I know that they know that I’m gay. They try to control my life and pretend that I’m straight. I avoid discussing my love life with them because I’m sick of them bashing LGBTQ people and know they’d likely disown me if I fully admitted to them that I’m gay. Help!

Derek

Derek, Derek, Derek.

I feel for you, Brother. Unsupportive parents can be the worst. Especially the cunts who KNOW what the story is and pretend that it doesn’t exist. Christians can be stubborn sons-of-bitches and quite cocky in their fake fuckin’ made-up-fairy-tale beliefs.

I love my gay brothers and sisters. I have cousins who are gay. It started when they were in prison, doing eight to ten for armed robbery and assault. But when they came out (see what I did there?) of prison they became openly fabulous gay men. I adore those fellas, but I still hide the silverware when they come to visit.

They don’t worry about catching shit for being gay, as everyone in our old neighborhood knows that a solid pistol-whipping fuckin’ hurts. I’m not suggesting that you throw a beating on your folks, even though their Sky Daddy SHOULD be able to heal their injuries.

But toughen up. Let them THINK you might pull something crazy on them. It might just stop them from trying to turn you into “Proud Husband and Father of Three” instead of the “Susie Homemaker” that you deserve to be.

You only have one life to live,

J-Pro

Dear Jason,

I am a successful 33-year-old architect with a big problem. I’m seeing two women. Neither of them knows about the other. I live alone and see one during the week and the other on weekends mainly. It’s becoming difficult to spend time with both, even though they live 30 minutes away from one another.

I know I need to choose one or the other before they find out about each other. But I truly feel like I’m in love with them both, they’re both equally attractive and wonderful. What can I do to fix this and finally decide which one to break up with?

Patrick

Dear Patrick,

First off, let me commend you on your bravery. To be dating TWO women at once, with twice the amount of eye-rolling, criticism, judgment, gaslighting, and two “time of the month”s to deal with, you must have a pair of cajones on you. Those things have got to be as big and heavy as two cast-iron shotputs.

However, you cannot keep this little fuckin’ charade going. You’re going to get caught. Or going to get crabs. Perhaps the Herp. I’m going to go out on a limb and assume a fella who is comfortable being in two relationships at once isn’t afraid to bang some random piece of strange at an architect’s convention.

Spreading VD or those little hitchhikers of love to your girlfriends will make for an ugly ending. You’re looking for happy endings. Which I assume you’re probably getting at the rub-and-tug massage places you likely frequent.

So cut the bullshit and pick one. Keep track for a month of which one bitches about what and whoever does less bitching during that month, wins. Give them the week off during their monthly visit from Auntie Flo, that’s only fair. But make a choice.

If you can’t decide, just choose the one who’s into doing butt-stuff. And not just for her, on YOU too. Be open-minded and open-ended.

8===D ( )*( )

Keepin’ it real,

Jason

Well, now you can appreciate my dilemma. My advice column is not likely to appear in the New York Times, the Chicago Tribune, or the Wall Street Journal. Perhaps if Penthouse or Hustler starts an advice column, I’ll apply.

I’m telling you though, I’d be far more likely to read advice columns again if they were similar to mine. No bullshit, no worrying about hurting someone’s feelings, just solid advice from a good fella who’s been there before.

Who would read my advice column over reading Ann Landers or Dear Abby? What suggestions would you make? Send me a “Dear Jason” letter in the comments, and I’ll set you straight. &:^)