The Voices in my Head

The little voices in your mind, telling you what to do or how to feel, self depreciation or even affirmations are probably different for you than they are for me.

I do not have DID, but I have a vivid imagination and voices. Each voice to me is a different part of me, each control separate self talk, advice and actions. All of them make up different parts of me, changing my personality. Each has a name, a look, a style and their own ego. Over the years they have evolved and grown as I have. Sometimes I talk to them in the car, we laugh and talk like friends and other times I can only hear one or two, talking to me debating on what to say in an interaction. Today I will be introducing them.

Grace: Grace is named after my middle name and has evolved from Gracey, the nickname I held in elementary school. Grace is timid and shy and riddled with anxiety. Grace comes out when I hear a comment. I'm unsure how to process or if I feel mean. She is also responsible for my obsessions. She panics when things aren't clean or exactly how she wants to see it. Grace will spiral and start to suffocate turning me into a monster turning me into the “thing’ I have no name for. Grace has no confidence and is desperate to be beautiful. She is also responsible for my body dysmorphia, she pokes at her skin, grabbing at any loose skin, pinching it between her fingers. Her hands shake and she watches her body morph.

Sometimes she comes out when I don’t want her to. I can hear her in the morning, desperate to try the pretty girl aesthetic. I tell her no, that we've done it over and over and every time she breaks down because I don’t look like her. I dont have her petite figure, or her short blond hair. I don’t have her flowery and bubbly personality. Then she goes for it, almost without my control. I shake and fight it, but maybe, just maybe this time I will look like Grace. Our hands shake, anxious to look in the mirror and before I can tell her not to look, it’s too late. Then she spirals, and I feel it all. I know it’s not rational, I scream in my head telling her it’s okay, but she never listens.

By this point panic settles in and she's throwing up, crying and scavenging through all our clothes desperate to find something to feel comfortable in. Then as she morphs so does the perception of myself. Then I spend money on beauty products to fix the stains on my teeth, my dark thick hair and my brown eyes. I buy every weight loss pill and run six miles.

She reminds me what we look and sound like in conversations, forcing me to hide my body or change my voice. She hides all of the bit’s of me I love and admire because it's not “pretty”. I love Grace, but sometimes she destroys me and Rachel has to come in and save the day like she always does, or make the situation worse with a direct b line to anger.

Rachel: The voice I hear most often and the one I look to the most. Rachel has been around since I really started to understand all the voices were different people. She is tall at least 6ft with long black hair and green eyes. She's muscular and confident, rugged and sarcastic. Her and Poppet and good friends, practically twins and switch off between one another often. Rachel has trust and anger issues. When she or someone else is wronged she spouts off whatever the first thoughts are that come to her mind. She’s laid back and tries to be non empathetic. She comes out when Grace begins to lose it. Taking over with fits of rage, she steps in between fights and drinks like a fish. She's fun to be around and overall “cool.” This side of me is the most sexual and flirtatious, she sees something she wants and takes it with no regards.

She’s a schmoozer, a smooth talker, quick witted and one of my favorite voices. I talk to her and Poppet in the car often and we banter back and forth but, typically she's the one with bad ideas. Rachel tells me to fight people, or look them dead in the eyes and say “I hate you.” Rachel starts and finishes the bar fights, she speeds and when she's angry, she's the only voice I hear. I hear her ears grow hot and her muscles tense, I can hear her spiteful words and no one, not even a poppet can stop her from saying them. She’s not ever the one to start it though the “thing” talks to her, it’s a voice not of my own, but it knows how to press every button of Rachels. Confirming any suspicions she ever had. Rachel can be bitter, with words as painful as venom.

Poppet and myself try to stop her, it takes a duel effort to calm her down. We scream and cry begging her to close her fucking mouth, but that only makes her angrier. After she releases she is ashamed and disappears and Grace and myself fall to the floor desperately trying to pick up every shattered piece that lays on the floor. Poppet disappears and I can hear her and Rachel argue as Grace and I mourn. Deep down I know it’s Rachels way of protecting me and even the people around her, but sometimes, she's too strong of a voice and I can’t stop her. Rachel is observant, she notices every detail around her, watching for any suspicious behavior or red flags.

Poppet: The most recent to join the voices. Poppet stems from an earlier voice I called Edd/Eddy. She is my clown, and my favorite of all the voices. I actually use her for my performances and day to day conversations. Poppet is a clown, she has long bright split dye pink and orange hair that she ties up into pigtails. Hearts scattered all over her body like tiny freaks . She is radiant, her confidence is contagious and she sarcasm strong whitted and with a sense of justice. She loves satire and wants to correct all that is wrong in the world. She’s inspiring and hard headed. She never takes no for an answer and the more I go to therapy and the more I trust in my medications and stay consistent the more she becomes the main voice in my head.

She tells me it’s okay to do what I love, and motivates me to keep going and pushing even when its hard. Poppet loves to entertain in every way. She loves to make people laugh, and is just as flirtatious as Rachel. She's the queen of seductions and making herself laugh. Poppet is creative and loves to craft and write, she’s horrific and dark, but helps others see the beauty in the dark side of life. Poppet is reasonable and talks Rachel out of irrational decisions and comforts her after. Poppet is smart, and has been the one to motivate Rachel (the big brains) to work harder the more she takes over. I have been more myself, and the happiest I have ever been now that Poppet takes over. She’s not afraid to fail, because she's not afraid to learn and try again. Poppet, I will always be grateful for.

Thing: I don’t know how to describe it, I’ve never seen it’s face, I’ve only ever felt it. It stays in the back of my mind. Each part of me takes turns watching it, holding it back from seeking its way to the front. It waits for any opportunity to strike and is completely unpredictable. Oftentimes it happens between voices switching in my head. I will go from a kind and caring voice to one that sounded low and husky, one that caused chills up my spine, nails grinding and digging into a high school chalkboard. Typically when I hear it, it bullies me. The real me, the one I see in the mirror, the one that feels all the emotions of every voice in my head.

It whispers harsh words in my ears, telling me things like “it’s all a lie” or “they don’t really love you.” it whispers dark and twisted thoughts of swerving my car off the ramp of the freeway or slitting my own wrists. This voice tells me to run away, it tells me that I am nothing. This voice tells me that it hurts. This voice is violent and mean. This voice has convinced me to carve out pieces of my chest, to burn myself even brutally hurt people I love. This voice tells me that the people I love don’t love me. This voice haunts me and has been there since day one festering in my dreams, killing everyone around me while I watch. When this voice speaks to me, typically Rachel will jump in, she’s the only voice strong enough to talk to me, but Rachel is ruthless.

Rachel will ignore the harmful behavior thoughts, but fester on the emotional ones. She will blow up and then the cycle renews itself again. I have no control over my thoughts, they all do and I enjoy them all except for "it." With them I am no longer lonley. With them I feel safe and guided, most of all I feel understood and heard. They are apart of me and always have been. If anyone would like, I can describe instances and stories where one voice takes the wheel and I watch.