The Teddy Bear Light Burned Out.

You know it still has yet to quite sink in. How is it that one day I was talking with you like normal. We were laughing when you picked me up from school, we played cards and went on an ice cream date. Every happy moment we shared, the light of my life. How is it that suddenly the world is so much darker now…?

It’s been nearly a decade now since my world seems to have lost it’s radiance. I never got to say my goodbye, because you were stolen away before I could come to terms with the loss. I lost you months before you drew your final breath, my bear.

How could I have wasted the moments leading up to it? I was working ungodly hours to try to make ends meet while you were struggling to remember who I even was. How could I be so impatient when you saw the younger version of me when we played games at the table?

I was always your princess, wasn’t I? The little porcelain doll you were afraid to watch grow up, you got so angry. It scared grandma, even though you did not mean to. I understand now, you were angry that you didn’t know what was happening. You were angry that you couldn’t communicate what you wanted to say, so you ran.

Everything was easier to run away, you were always active after all. If you couldn’t communicate you could always go on a drive, and bring back gifts for us. You didn’t know the layout of this new building though, so we could thankfully always find you. You just wanted to apologize for upsetting us, you just wanted things to be normal. You didn’t remember that you didn’t have your license anymore, or that they took away your car. None of that mattered, none of that was important, they made sure you always had cash because you always worked hard to make sure that your wallet was never empty, so we would want for nothing.

All you wanted was to see our smiles. How selfish was I that in our final meeting my smile almost broke? I couldn’t stay by your side that day. Did that end up influencing what happened once we left? You always did read me the best, despite my faultless mask, you always saw the cracks. Did you have a moment of sober awareness, and realize that you had broken my heart? Were you trying to leave the nursing home to come to me? To comfort me… Could that be why they gave you a little bit too much medicine? Is it my fault you drew your final breath? I’m left with all of these questions that I didn’t realize I had. I never got to say my goodbyes because I was so confused.

Even now as I sit here writing this letter to tell you how much I miss you I’m finding more questions and so many more tears. Did I tell you I love you enough times, I didn’t get to say it once they locked you away. I hate that so much, I hate that even now I can see you sitting in a drugged stupor; I hate that your other kids clipped your wings… I’m so filled with anger and so hurt, I don’t know what to do with all of these feelings.. I miss you so much, I wish you could tell me what to do…. I feel so lost, you left such big shoes for me to fill and I don’t have a clue how to step into them grandpa.

You know that you were the glue that kept our family together… Without you my aunts and uncles have nothing to do with us, they sold all of your belongings and kept them among themselves. Grandma never goes out, and she’s more afraid than she’s ever been… I’m trying my hardest to take care of her I promise grandpa, I’m trying really hard… Her shaking has gotten worse, you know they told me last month that she has dementia…. Everyone was talking about it, and I was hoping that wasn’t the case… I lost you twice grandpa, and now I have to watch grandma go through the same… I don’t know if I’m strong enough… Can I get us through this? She knows what you went through and although you had Alzheimer’s dementia… It’s already upped her anxiety. Grandpa this is so hard…

You know grandpa, I really am a porcelain doll… I’m trying so hard to act like I’m made of stone, but I’m cracking at every move… I feel like I’m lost with no way out, I haven’t done anything to make you proud. I’m surviving, but I’m not thriving. I’m living but I’m not happy. Grandpa, are you watching over us, or are you too ashamed to call us family? We lost our connections, we lost touch with your brother, with grandma’s sisters. Lillian joined you on the other side, even Angie joined you… You know her family never told grandma, so she only just found out that her best friend is no more. I’ve changed jobs so many times, and although I’ve met a lot of really nice people I haven’t gotten a career worthy of being praised.

All of the things you wanted for me have fallen apart, we never got to fight the dentist you paid for my teeth. So even now I’m fighting that battle, you invested thousands, and they failed. Even now I have to fight to save to fight to have the damages fixed, are you angry that I’m putting daddy and grandma first? I am trying to be less spoiled grandpa, you gave me the world and now I have to be the rock and not the baby of the family. I’m a really soft rock though… My friends lovingly call me a marshmallow and it’s true I’m so gentle you can crush me like a flower. I can’t talk to them about all of this, how can I even put it into words?

Is there even a way to explain that now a decade later I’m trying to heal… Can I properly explain that I have to lay down the questions in my heart even though it’s causing me to bleed, this entire time my tears haven’t stopped falling. The questions running through my head are putting my dictionary to shame as they assault me with inquires I ignored all this time. Was it my fault? Could I have changed anything? Even though the hypotheticals are hopeless the writer in my blood is trying to create a story where you could have reached a happy end, not one where I watched a zombie fade away. A story where you got to see the things you wanted to see, not the story with all the lines cut short.

You gave me these wishes to carry on… You wanted me to have a beautiful smile I could be proud of, I’m lucky that I haven’t gotten sick from the teeth rotting out of my face. You planned to teach me how to drive and buy me my first minivan. I’ve seen so many accidents, been in so many crashes as a passenger the thought of being behind the wheel makes my blood run cold. Everyone tells me to get over it and to try, but after I got my permit I got so afraid of the next step I cut myself off from the world. I can’t imagine being behind the wheel of a car without dreaming of a crash. You wanted to see me in another graduation gown, getting my college degree, and I had to drop out once we lost you. I lost my motivation and I lost my ability to pay for it. You wanted us to be happy and have a house. Grandma is stuck in housing and me and daddy are living in a small hotel room, hoping that we can all move in together before things go off track.

Grandpa, how can I make these fears less? What should I do, is it okay for me to visit your grave? I haven’t gotten to do that once yet. They sent you so far away even though you wanted to stay here in Brockton, what should I say. Grandpa…. You know I love you always, bigger than the ocean and more steady than the winds under your wings. I will keep trying, I will keep walking forward, even though I’m walking in the dark. You took my light with you when you left grandpa, I wish I could show you the little lights of happiness that I’m finding though.

I still can’t see down the path, you were my sunshine; You were the only one who could illuminate the world. I have some stars shining around me now. I have the little mouse who you met, she’s still by my side. So is collie, we still bicker sometimes; but our friendship is strong. I haven’t talked to the others we used to drive with, but I’ve added more to my collection. I’ve gained a waffley friend who is always there with warm hugs and protection from the storms. I have a Snorlax friend now too he’s so over the top, sometimes it takes a lot of flute notes to get in touch with him, but he’s always a shoulder to cry on or a defender in chaotic times. You didn’t get to meet the shyest meerkat of our friend group either, he was always curious and looking out for us even back in high school, but he’s only joined us recently too; he’s always a guardian, there to lookout for us and makes sure we’re never stuck alone. There’s even a rabbit-like one that’s joined our ranks, he’s there and hops out of sight at random; always up for adventures and games.

These guys are dazzling little stars that are keeping me from walking off the track. So I may not have the eternal light you led me with, but somehow I’m finding little lights to lead me forward. I stopped trying to join you early, I’ll make sure that my stories will reach others, that the wars you fought, the battles we won will live on long after us. I may be bad at dying, but I’m still a damn good story teller, so even if I’m really lost, and break every second of every day… I’ll try to keep walking in your shoes, I may leave a trail of broken parts behind me, and my questions will never be answered.

So I’ll try to remember the times I did get to say I loved you, instead of the moment that I had to run away. I’ll try to think that you’ll be proud of me fighting, instead of thinking that you’d be ashamed that I couldn’t fulfill the things you wished for me. I will keep doing my best, and know that you’ll always love me, even if you never got to say that to me after everything that happened. I might not be able to walk forward alone, but I will at least keep trying. I’ll keep walking with my little starlight guiding me, until the day that I find myself alone in the dark again.