The Short Version

Still trying to decide between the studio version and the Snyder version to be perfectly honest. I guess if we are staying true to form, the extended version is a big too much. I had a pretty awesome childhood; I also had a pretty messed up childhood. Did not even learn until I was an adult that both can be true at the same time. I was aware of both the light and dark around me; shadows cast by the sun and surroundings illuminated by moonlight. It is very easy to teach a child they are special and not worthy at the same time. So let's jump right in, shall we?

We all learned anger, my brothers and I, from our mother. The one who threw parties for everything and everyone. Peggy's parties were epic but Halloween was where she really shined. I mean, we had a KISS "cover band" come play one year. I also got yelled at for hours leading up to that party, my hair pulled as it was pinned up in a 1920's Flapper style; threats being made about behavior and not embarrassing her. I hated being hit with the brush, now I have other feelings about hair pulling (sorry family, pretty sure we all have a little freak flag of one kind or another). I smile the most of us, just ask anyone. My world could be falling around me and I will find a smile for you. A real one from down deep, somewhere she didn't reach inside me. Na-nana-naa-nah.

I didn't get glasses until I was around 8 or 9 because she thought I wanted them for "attention". Because every 9 year old girl wants to be call four-eyes and wear those 1980's, pink, plastic coke bottle glasses. Some years earlier than that, I asked her to save her wedding dress for me as we went through her cedar chest. She laughed and said I would never be skinny enough to fit into it. My best friend Samantha picked our nicknames from our favorite story and movie, Charlotte's Web, after my mother referenced Sam as a bird and me as a pig. So as I cried on the walk to Sam's apartment, we became Wilbur and Jeffery. We still are to this day.

It was a roller-coaster of right and wrong; good and bad; thankful and ungrateful. I never knew what was coming. I started to learn her warning signs and developed some strong survival skills. It's how I kept a piece for myself and how it kept us in a struggle that always circled back around. I never wanted it to be that way. The worst part is I thought I was good at not being that way as an adult, but I was very much not. Not with my children, not with my husband, not with my family and not with friends. On occasion as if a Lycan on a full moon, I'd channel what had been drilled into me my whole life (literally until 40) and turn into a whole other person. It sucks!

I thought I had her under control. I thought the therapy I had would be sufficient for me to carry on with self help and other holistic and cultural healing rituals. I was happy and found someone to share that with. But when things got hard or I got triggered, her programing would take over. My husband would notice right away and that would dig me in deeper. I believe my mother to be one of the most naturally gifted Neurolinguistic Programmers of her generation. Would have made a great CIA or other Federal Agent, an awesome CEO of a large corporation, a shark of a lawyer; mother should have stayed off the table. I'm still trying find a therapeutic treatment that will help undo as much of the damage as possible and hope I can learn to manage my triggers myself and not just ignore them or place he burden on my loved ones - especially my kids.

I've got to lay it down and let the anger rest. There is a time and a place but not towards my children and, if I'm lucky enough again one day, my husband. So I will be working on that Crown Chakra and unloading on the page until it's clear my friends. Om.